


Concrete, Steel and Sunflowers

by xAnimaniac



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: M/M, Smut, Violence, robo shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 19:35:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 56,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xAnimaniac/pseuds/xAnimaniac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Well, this is finally up for the Big Time Bang! ;D A big thank you to my artist and beta Alex and cassandra, you guys are fab :P when I have the art I might somehow manage to put it in notes at the end of the involved chapters. I'm new to this site so we'll see how that goes.</p>
<p>Loosely based off the manga 'Absolute Boyfriend', which I could relocate the Japanese name for if I wasn't so tired...</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is finally up for the Big Time Bang! ;D A big thank you to my artist and beta Alex and cassandra, you guys are fab :P when I have the art I might somehow manage to put it in notes at the end of the involved chapters. I'm new to this site so we'll see how that goes.
> 
> Loosely based off the manga 'Absolute Boyfriend', which I could relocate the Japanese name for if I wasn't so tired...

 

**PART I - FALLOUT.**

 

_I know you're fine, but what do I do?_

 

"James," Logan called over the sound of grieved moaning coming from the living room couch. "Seriously, cut it out!"  
   
James moaned louder, face pressed against the cushions. All he wanted right now was for the ceiling above him to crumble into pieces (much like his dignity and self-esteem) in the hopes that some chunks might knock him over on the head, earning him a concussion or some brain damage, a coma or even death. Right now, anything could beat this pain he was feeling. Not to be misunderstood, he'd felt this anguish many times before. In different forms, for different people. But somehow, this seemed more agonising, because he really hadn't seen it coming. Last time he'd make that mistake, or so he told himself. He said that every time this happened. "How could he do this to me!" he whined pitifully. "I thought it was different this time!"  
   
Carlos sighed, sitting next to James and patting his shoulder. "James," he said sympathetically, gently rubbing his friend’s shoulder. "You always do."  
   
"I know!" James wailed. "But this time I _really_ thought it!" He sat up slowly, lifting one hand in an attempt to flatten his bed hair. "Do you think I should call him?"  
   
 _" **NO!** "_ Logan and Carlos shrieked. James covered his ears and sighed. "Okay, no!"  
   
"James, you can do a lot better than Dak," Logan told him sternly, sitting on his other side. "He obviously didn’t care about you, and you deserve someone who does!”  
   
"Why can't someone just fucking adore me?!" James demanded. "I'm nice, right?"  
   
"Of course."  
   
"And handsome?"  
   
"Definitely!"  
   
"Smart?"  
   
"Somewhat. Now, listen." Carlos gripped his shoulder firmly. "James, you're twenty three years old—"  
   
"I'm twenty _two!_ " James corrected, scandalised. "TWO!!"  
   
"Fine, twenty three next week!" Carlos snapped. "Just listen, alright? You need to cheer yourself up. Stop acting like these guys being assholes is the end of the world, because it's not! You've got plenty of time to find someone!"  
   
"But I want someone _now_ ," James pouted.  
   
Logan gave another impatient sigh, shaking his head at Carlos in despair. James suddenly felt a little bad for dumping all of this on them. They could've been off doing their couple things by now. Naturally, having two best friends who were madly in love didn't help with his self-confidence when it came to all these failed relationships; they'd even been together when he met them two years ago, in a bar. From there the three had hung out all the time. At first, James had felt like a bit of a third wheel, but Carlos and Logan had been best friends before they got together and were fantastic at acting as though that was all they were whenever they deemed it necessary. And they were the ultimate match, even though they didn't have much in common; Logan was currently studying at med school, and Carlos had just found employment in an elementary school in the city. James had a feeling he just helped the kids make playdoh animals and bake cookies all day long. They probably didn't complain.  
   
Carlos suddenly snapped his fingers, jumping to his feet with a delighted smile. "I've got it!"  
   
"What?" James and Logan asked him, looking up.  
   
"Well, I can't tell you," Carlos said to James. "It's a surprise for you, for your birthday! Logan, come with me. We'll see you soon, James!" Carlos grabbed Logan's hand, dragging the man off his butt and towards the living door. "We'll be back on your birthday! Until then, try not to wallow too much!" And the two ran out.  
   
"EVEN MY BEST FRIENDS NEGLECT ME!" James wailed after them, lying back down on the couch again and burrowing his face in the cushions. Though, to be fair, they were good to him. They put up with this kind of shit every time he got dumped, or cheated on, or rejected at first sight. Which he could never understand; he was gorgeous! At least, that's what he’d been told by too many people for it to not be true. And he did his best to be kind, and loving or whatever, only they never seemed to give back. Well, maybe he wanted to be fawned over once in a while. Stupid selfish people.  
   
He was almost twenty three, but felt like a fifteen year old girl after their first breakup. Life just sucked.  
   


* * *

   
"Happy birthday!" Logan cheered, carrying in the strawberry cake with a single candle in the centre. James decided right then, that maybe he really didn't need a boyfriend; he had his best friends. He didn't need a lot of them either. These two knew how much he fucking adored strawberries, so the saying must've been true; quality, not quantity. He told himself this firmly over and over as he hugged them both, thanking them.  
   
"And now, for your present!" Carlos announced, taking on a dramatic tone. With a flourish of his hand, he reached into the bright red and shiny gift bag, and took out a silver envelope. He held it out, both himself and Logan grinning from ear to ear. "Go on, open it!"  
   
James slowly took the envelope, confused frown on his face as he noticed the logo on the envelope; a tiny, black heart in a little sketchy pattern, barely visible on the shiny paper. "Is this what I think it is?" His eyes finally found the initials in the top right hand corner, very faint, just like the logo; A.C.C. "That's 'Absolute Companionship Company' . . . The Lover Shop?!"  
   
"Surprise?" Logan said, waving his hands in the air with a toothy and nervous smile.  
   
"You guys seriously think I'm this desperate, that you want to buy me a boyfriend?!" James demanded. He felt oddly comforted, but also extremely hurt. This pretty much made it official; they really didn't think he could find anyone on his own. They felt the need to help him along, with a fucking _robot doll_ thing. "This is unbelievable!"  
   
"James, just hear us out!" Carlos protested, taking the envelope from him and ripping it open, taking out the gift card. "We bought you a voucher that gets you 50% off a Lover, and those things are expensive, plus we topped it up with six free traits. It's a good deal!"  
   
"It's an _insult_ —"  
   
"No, James. Listen." Logan leaned on the counter, folding his arms and looking James directly in the eye. "You need to get out of this slump you're in. We just think it'd be good for you to have a good relationship, at least for a little while. You won't hire any staff, the loneliness does you no good, if nothing else he'll be company for you! You're always saying how you want your boyfriend to adore you, and be sincere about it, and that you want security. He'll give you all of this."  
   
"But, I . . ."  
   
"Look, just try it? And if you don't like it, you can send him back. They sell returned ones at a reduced price for a few weeks and if nobody buys, they'd scrap them. Simple!"  
   
"What if I get attached?"  
   
"Then date him," Carlos said, rolling his eyes. "Oh my god, you're not getting this. Don't think of it as buying a boyfriend doll. Think of it as . . . as finding the perfect boyfriend, who's everything you want. Think of it as getting really lucky, alright?"  
   
"Well. . ." James thought about it. "When you put it like that . . ."  
   
"You won't regret it, I promise," Logan told him firmly. "Now, let's put your gift away and eat some cake."  
   
"Okay," James replied, nodding and smiling weakly. "Thanks guys, really. I appreciate it."  
   
He celebrated his birthday with them, thinking about how if his parents were still with him, this house would’ve been full of snooty rich people, pretending to adore him and care about his age, simply because of his family name. While the idea of it repulsed him, a house full of people at least pretending to care was something he often longed for.   
   
That night, James sat in his living room and tried to watch _The Big Bang Theory_. But he couldn't stop thinking about the ACC gift card. The idea of buying a boyfriend just seemed so desperate and a little pathetic. He hated being viewed as pathetic. But in reality, wasn't it very unlikely anyone would realise? He remembered when a friend of Logan's he'd met once, Tad de-Something, had showed off his pretty and well-mannered girlfriend named Jo. Then he'd breezily admitted that she was from ACC. Nobody had seemed to judge him, but even then, she looked so human. Nobody could tell the difference, surely. Nobody he knew, at least. Except Carlos and Logan. But they already knew what a sad case he was.   
   
James sighed, glancing down at where his gift card sat on the coffee table, sticking out like a beacon. He reached out a tentative hand towards it, then quickly pulled back. Then he leaned forward again, and back once more. Oh, fuck this. He darted forward and picked it up before he could change his mind again, opening it up with shaky hands. Inside was the voucher, printed in bright colourful font with a tiny illustration of a pretty girl beside it, blowing a kiss.   
   
 _Need love? Look no further!_  
   
How cheesy was that, wow . . .  
   
 _This voucher offers a Lover 50% off, plus 6 free traits!! What are you waiting for_? _Order NOW!_  
   
Underneath was the little printed number of the voucher, along with some fine print about refunds and other little fickle things. James stared at the voucher for another few minutes, burning holes into it and thinking, _Am I really that desperate?  
_    
He then decided, whether he was or not, what was the harm in this? Carlos and Logan were right; he could do with some unconditional love right about now. Someone who would finally fawn over him and tell him how much they loved him, and show him in various ways. Like gifts and amazing sex and kisses and cuddles and _okay,_ time to turn on the laptop.  
   
James logged straight onto the website, clicking on the box for using a voucher. He typed in the voucher number before being shown on the screen, a simple question: _What are you looking for?_ Surely that was obvious. He wanted love. Then he saw the two icons, a pink one that read _Girlfriend,_ and a blue boyfriend icon. He clicked the blue, and up came a variety of faces, to his surprise. _This is like a_ Sims _game_ . . . One of his old school friends had had a _Sims_ game, and they used to play it together all the time, killing off the adults in the swimming pool so their teenage characters could live in the house without supervision. Until Jeff decided he wasn't cool enough to hang out with him anymore, and proceeded to murder pixel parents with someone else.  
   
He scrolled down the page, looking at the various appearances his boyfriend could have. There was a cute looking one with brown hair like his, there was a pale one with red hair, one with a cute smile, one with the most amazing blue eyes . . . then he spotted one with pale skin, a little button nose, plump pink lips and bright bottle green eyes. The hair was a pretty blond shade, like his cousin Jennifer's but a little darker. The eyebrows were dark, and shaped in a way that gave him a dainty and sweet look. James decided that this was the one for him, and clicked on it.  
   
Then came some little alterations he could make. He could change his boyfriend's nose, or change the shape and colour of his eyes. But why would he want to? He looked perfect as he was . . .  
   
He clicked to continue, and up came some options for the body type he wanted — he wanted someone short and cute, but he didn't want them to be scrawny either — along with some little things he could add to their physical being — he'd always thought giggling and a cute sneeze were some of his favourite things, so he added those in too — and the boyfriend's sexual and romantic role in the relationship. Submissive, obviously. As if he'd take anything else. And the age; 22. He was only just past that age, after all.   
   
Then came up the option of traits. Six boxes were already up, with a little icon beside them indicating they were free. There was an option to add more, but he decided this would be enough. But what traits? He saw some examples, relating to personality, skills and just little quirks, and thought hard to himself.  
What did he want his boyfriend to be like?  
   
Well, the first one was obvious. He knew the workers of the company would be reading this themselves and not some computer, so he could phrase it as he liked. _Someone who is devoted to me.  
_    
 _Some who needs to rely on me to care of them, but wants to care for me too.  
   
A good listener._ Because really, who wouldn't want that?  
   
 _Someone who is sincere._ Again, something he definitely craved.  
   
He paused and thought some more. He could add another two. Hmm . . .  
   
 _A good cook._ His skills were seriously lacking in that department. Plus that could just be added to the whole loving him through gifts thing.  
   
Then he thought of his last one and grinned to himself, typing it in and clicking to confirm the traits before he had the chance to change his mind. _Someone sexy.  
_    
Then, the last thing to come up was his boyfriend's name. This one should've been the most difficult, but he barely thought about it before typing in _Shay_. It was a cute name, he felt it suited what he'd picked out. Shay Diamond had a nice ring to it anyway. He was then told to fill in his payment details for the remaining price, and that his order had been placed; the creation of his product along with shipping could take from 3 to 14 days. Oh well, he could live with that.  
   


* * *

It was a week later that James’ package finally arrived. It was also evening, so he had expected all packages to be delivered by then. However, at about six o’clock, he heard the doorbell ring and went to answer it. He was met with a delivery man, the ACC initials and logo both on his overalls and on his cap. He held a clipboard in his hand and beside him stood a tall package on a wheeled trolley. “James Diamond?” he inquired, looking up, formal and businesslike tone catching James a little off guard.

“Um, y-yeah. That’s me,” he answered, trying to imagine what a desperate and pathetic person would look like and trying to look the opposite.

“Sign here please.” The man handed over the clipboard and a pen, leaving James to sign his name as he wheeled in the package, lifting it off the trolley with a huff and setting it down on the floor. “Here you go! The maintenance manual is inside, if you have any problems.” He gave James a little smirk as he took the clipboard and pen back, heading back out the door. “Enjoy.”

“Thanks,” James called breezily; meanwhile his cheeks were flushed rosy pink. Fuck. As soon as he shut the front door, he ran off down the hallway. _Ohmygoditsherewhatdoido?!?!_  
   
James dug around in his kitchen drawer and found his scissors. He hurried back into the hall and gripped the large box in his hand. He ripped and cut through the tape, yanking the lid up and cutting the rest of the box away. He shrieked and jumped backwards when suddenly there was an avalanche of Styrofoam pieces and bubble wrap, and out tumbled a naked, unconscious man. There he was. It really was scary, how human he looked.  
   
James stared down at him, cheeks flushing as he swallowed slowly. He really did have a nice body, now that he was seeing it for himself . . . and a very pretty face. His long eyelashes curved over his pale cheeks, lips parted just a little. But when James leaned down to touch him, his skin was cold, and he wasn’t breathing. Then James spotted the little booklet that had fallen out too, and picked it up. He opened it, and read the quick little instructions on how to start his boyfriend up. It was very simple, actually. Very easy to follow.

_Each Lover has a sensor on their lips, which registers the temperature of the buyer’s body and registers him/her as their lover._ Well, it didn’t take a genius to figure out what that meant; there was no need to call Logan for help just yet.  
   
 _I just have to kiss him. Okay, I can do that . . ._  
   
James slowly knelt down, lifting Shay (might as well start calling him by name now) into his arms. Shay's head lolled against his shoulder, hair falling in his face. He had to say, that soft mouth looked very inviting. Slowly James tilted his chin up, and leaned in. His heart was racing and he could feel his palms starting to sweat. He swallowed again, taking a deep breath. Then he leaned in, and pressed his lips to Shay's.  
   
Instantly he heard a gasp, and he pulled back to see a pair of gorgeous green eyes blinking slightly dazedly up at him. Shay sat up, looking up at James with what could only be described as sheer wonder and adoration in his eyes. And they didn't even know each other yet. James blushed. "Um, h-hi," he greeted at last. "I'm James."  
   
"James. My boyfriend." The name dripped off Shay's tongue like it was both the filthiest and most wonderful thing he'd ever heard. Shay smiled wide, a hand on James' chest. "Wow, your heart's beating so fast . . ."  
   
James blushed darker. "I-I guess I'm just nervous . . ."  
   
"Oh, don't be." Shay snuggled in close to him, leaning close to him so James felt his breath against his lips when he spoke. "You've got nothing to worry about when you've got me. I'm here for you." Then he leaned in and kissed him.  
   
James kissed back, arms wrapping around Shay's slim waist as he slumped back with the blond on his lap. Shay's tongue wrapped around his, making him moan weakly and kiss back with just as much passion and eagerness. Until Shay stuck a hand down towards James' waist and started to unbutton his jeans.  
   
"Woah, hey," James chuckled nervously, pushing him back and taking his hands. "We don't need to do that right away, okay?"  
   
Shay pouted. "Don't you want to?"  
   
"Oh, of course I do!!" James stammered, cheeks red. "It's just, I only switched you on about five seconds ago . . ."  
   
"Oh." Shay nodded. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, Jamie."  
   
 _Wow, I already have a cute pet name._ He felt giddy inside. "Don't worry about it." James stood up, taking Shay's hand and pulling him to his feet. Shay's head was level with his chest, all slim legs and hips and a toned physique. "So, want me to show you around? I don't want you getting lost."  
   
"I'd love you to," Shay beamed, holding his hand and standing up on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “You’re so cute.”

_Ohmygod my head is going to turn magenta and explode if he keeps going on like this._ He’d had more sweet things said to him in less than five minutes than he had in over five months. _I love Carlos and Logan, I love them so much._  
   
"I'll find you something to wear too. We're gonna have to go shopping later on," James told him, holding his hand and making his way out of the hallway. He showed Shay the living room, the large and luxurious kitchen, the garden, the bathrooms and all the bedrooms. They wandered into James' bedroom last, James going straight to the closet. "You're obviously smaller than me so my pants might be too big, but I guess you can wear some underwear—"  
   
"I'm up for anything," Shay chirped, smiling warmly and giving James a grateful peck on the lips when he handed him a pair of black boxers and a Superman t-shirt. Shay slipped them on and gave a little twirl, giggling in delight. "How do I look?"  
   
James couldn't help grinning at him, closing the closet and eyeing him the whole time. "You look sexy."  
   
Shay winked at him, biting his lip and giving another little giggle. He wrapped his arms around James' middle and nipped his chin, before leaning up and kissing him. Once again, James found himself wrapping up this soft warm body in his arms, getting some of the best kisses he’d had in a while. Shay’s lips were so soft. He imagined this was what a girl’s lips would be like. Then he quickly diminished that thought before it totally turned him off. “Should we stay up here?” Shay whispered against James’ lips, catching the brunet’s bottom lip between his teeth for a moment before letting it slide back into place.

“Um, n-no,” James replied quickly, nervousness taking over once again as he stepped away from Shay’s embrace and held his hand instead. “We’ll go downstairs again, okay?”

“Okay,” Shay shrugged, leaving the room and tugging James along by the hand. James squeezed his hand, relishing in the comforting feeling it gave him. As they entered the kitchen, Shay turned to face him again, taking both of his hands and tugging him forward, kissing him for the millionth time and winding his arms around James’ neck, hands tangling in his hair. James stumbled backwards against the counter, struck breathless by this guy, as cliché as it sounded. He hated cliché, romantic movies. They were never real. “I’m sure there are other things we can do besides make out,” he spluttered before Shay’s tongue dived back into his mouth and silenced him again.

“Well, what do you suggest we do?” Shay murmured, open mouth pressed against James’. And to the nervous brunet’s dismay, he couldn’t think of a single thing. Until his stomach grumbled.   
   
James quickly squirmed back, leaning against the counter and holding Shay's hips. "Well, we could make some dinner," he suggested. "I'm kind of hungry." He paused, wondering is he was just some oddball who asked these kinds of questions, or if every buyer wondered. "Do you get hungry?"  
   
Shay shook his head. "But I can eat." His face lit up. "Let me cook something for you! I'm a good cook!"  
   
 _Oh, I know._ James nodded. "That sounds great." He pointed to a shelf by the fried. "Those are some cookbooks my family and friends have bought me all those times they still had faith in my culinary skills. You can use one of those."   
   
"I'd be happy to!" Shay skipped over to the shelf, reaching up to try and grab a book. His hand just scraped off the shelf, the books out of reach. He whined, turning to James and pouting. "Jamie, can you help me get one down?"  
   
"Oh, sure!" James hurried over. "Which one do you want?"  
   
"Um . . ." Shay looked up thoughtfully, biting his lip. God, he was adorable. "That one!" he announced at last, pointing. "It has a blue cover."  
   
"Oh, this one!" James slid it from the shelf and handed it to Shay, who took it, gave a happy squeal and kissed James sweetly. "You're amazing," he cooed, kissing James' nose. "And now, I'm gonna make you the best dinner ever."  
   
James watched Shay skip off towards the counter and perch on one of the stools, finding a recipe he liked before going to the kitchen and beginning to work. James smiled to himself as Shay hummed a pop hit he must've been programmed to know, washing some potatoes and peeling them, glancing over his shoulder at James and giving him a wink and a smirk. James gave a quick wave, Shay giggling and turning back to his work in response, cheeks flushed. Here he was, watching his gorgeous boyfriend cook for him while wearing his clothes, before probably making some more moves on him afterwards to get him into bed. Really, this was the kind of life he wanted to be living. Not with dumbass douchebag Dak who always wanted to go out to fancy places for dinner, or to movies. Sometimes James just liked a quiet night at home, dammit!

James sat in the kitchen with Shay and read while he cooked. When Shay finished, he served it and added a cute kiss on the cheek, before perching on the stool beside him, watching him intently as he ate. Eventually James turned towards him with a mouthful of food and mumbled, “What?”

“Sorry!” Shay said quickly, cheeks flushing. “I was just wondering if you liked it . . . “

“Oh! I do, it’s delicious,” James grinned, eating more, but this time being polite and finishing before he spoke again. “It’s great to have someone in the house who can cook. I’m shit at it.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true!!”

“Trust me, it is. But I’m okay with it.” James smirked. I have you, so I’m perfectly fine.”

“And happy?” Shay asked eagerly.

“Yes, and happy, really happy,” James replied with total honesty. Shay’s face lit up in an adorable grin, and James felt satisfied that he was the one making a pretty face like that light up.

“So, what do you wanna do now?” Shay asked. “I can wash up for you—“

“Oh, no. I don’t want you to turn into the slave—“

“No, I want to do it! Please?” Shay’s lip jutted out, eyes watering and holy fuck, how on earth did people make things like these?

“Well, if you really want to do it . . .” James stood up, kissing Shay before making his way towards the living room. “I guess you can meet me in here when you’re done.”

James threw himself down on the couch, loving life at the moment. After Shay finished washing up, he sat on the couch with James, and he thought of some activities for them to do together. They watched a movie, in which James explained to Shay any part he didn’t understand. Then they played a few games of go fish, Shay’s whole poker face talent making it very difficult for him. He lost every time, and oddly he didn’t mind.

But at last, James couldn’t stop yawning and felt it was time to call it a day. He had to remember to call Carlos and Logan in the morning and invite them over to meet Shay. “I think we should go to sleep now,” James told Shay, who immediately beamed and nodded eagerly jumping up and leaving the room. James followed him up the stairs and into his room. He headed towards the bathroom to brush his teeth. As he stared into the mirror, he wondered what he looked like to Shay. Adonis, probably. Sometimes he felt that way. Other times, like now; when his strong body was hidden from view and his hair was a mess and he looked like a dork with his glasses on, he didn’t feel that way. He felt like the opposite. But at the same time, he didn’t want to grow his bangs from the teenage years or get contact lenses. This was who he was.

He walked back into his bedroom to find Shay standing by the bed. Nude. He shrieked, jumping backwards with wide eyes. “Shay—?!”

“You said you wanted to sleep!” Shay said, looking confused, as though this was a perfectly normal thing to do. He hurried forward and grabbed James by the front of his t-shirt, tugging him forward and shoving him down onto the bed. James bounced on the mattress, stunned. _Wow, he’s strong. That’s a bit scary—_

Shay climbed on top of him, rocking his hips and giggling. “I know you’ll like it,” he purred, leaning down to lick James’ neck, before promptly yanking the brunet upwards and tugging his shirt off, before pushing him back down and kissing little trails and patterns over James’ hard chest. “Mmm, you’re so hot . . .”

“Shay,” James squeaked, mentally screaming at the idiot in his pants to quiet down, as he pushed the blond up by his shoulders. “Really, I don’t want to do this now.”

Shay pouted. “Then when do you want to?”

“I . . .” James wracked his brains. “Tomorrow . . .?” he suggested weakly. At least he wasn’t specifying a time of day; he needed a chance to mentally prepare himself for this.

“Okay,” Shay shrugged, sighing sadly. “I guess I can live with that.”

“Good,” James replied, smiling in relief. “Now, please some clothes on. You’re gorgeous, but . . ."

“I get it,” Shay said sweetly, putting his boxers back on and pushing the covers back on the bed, hopping onto the mattress and leaning back against the pillows. James took off his jeans and put them away, but threw his shirt into the laundry hamper. He’d sweated way too much in that thing today. Ew. He switched on the lamp by the bed, before going to pull the curtains shut and turn off the main light. He got into bed beside Shay, taking off his glasses and leaving them on the bedside table. “Goodnight, Jamie,” Shay whispered, snuggling close to him and shutting his eyes, head on his chest.

“Goodnight, Shay,” James replied softly, switching off the lamp and settling down in the dark, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend.  

It was amazing, how much faster he fell asleep when his bed wasn’t empty. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

In the morning, James got up at 9am, which was early enough for his usual standards at this time of year. And normally, especially in situations like this when his bed wasn't lonely, he would only want to snuggle into the warm sheets and his warm companion, sheltering himself away from that morning chill. But today there was work to be done, and he got out of bed and headed for the shower immediately. He washed the sweat from his body and his hair, feeling refreshed and a little more awake from the feel of the hot water dripping down his body in dozens of little waterfalls. When he was finished, he dried his hair in the bathroom and his body, wrapping the towel around his waist and picking up his boxers, leaving the room and going back into his bedroom. Shay was sitting up in bed, waiting for him. He smiled in greeting when he saw him. "Morning, Jamie!" he said, hopping out of bed. "Did you sleep well?"  
   
James nodded. "Did you? Oh, wait . . ." His ears reddened. "It doesn't make a difference for you. So, um, when did you wake up?"  
   
"When you did," Shay replied breezily, walking over to where James stood by the laundry hamper, having just tossed his boxers into it. The little blond placed his hands flat against James' chest, the brunet swallowing nervously as he did. "You see, since you kissed me and became my boyfriend, I can sense things like your body temperature and your heartbeat. When you sleep, your heart slows down. I can put myself to sleep as I please, and when I picked up that your heartbeat had sped up, because you'd woken up, I woke up too."  
   
"Wow," James said, whistling. "The wonder of technology these days." His hands habitually found their way to Shay's hips. "Today, we're going to go shopping and get some clothes for you to wear. Then I'll invite my friends Carlos and Logan over in the afternoon, so they can meet you."  
   
"Do you think they'll like me?"  
   
"Oh, of course! I see no reason why they wouldn't," James replied honestly. Especially given that it was their idea he buy Shay in the first place. "Don't worry about that. Now, I can probably find some pants for you, you can wear a belt with them and roll the ends up if they're too big. Sit on the bed and I'll find them for you."  
   
Shay did as he asked, and James opened the closet to find the smallest pair of jeans he owned. He found a dark-washed grey pair and turned around, seeing that Shay had put on the Superman t-shirt again and was watching him with a cute and eager smile. He realised that Lovers didn't sweat, or bleed, or do any of those human things. He could wear the same clothes ten days in a row, so long as they were kept clean. Wouldn't that be convenient . . . "Here, wear these." He gave the jeans to Shay, then got a belt from his top drawer and gave that to him too. As Shay hopped into the jeans with ease, James put on a new pair of boxers and put on his favourite black jeans and a white t-shirt. He pulled on a pair of socks and his sneakers. Then he stopped, remembering Shay needed shoes too. "What can I give you to wear?"  
   
"How about some boots?" Shay suggested. "I can stuff socks in the toes if they’re too big."  
   
"Oh, good idea!" James praised, grinning and pecking Shay on the lips. He found his black winter boots and a pair of thick woolly socks. Shay slipped the socks onto his small, elfin feet as James stuffed another sock into each boot. Shay put on his boots and laced them up, standing up and grinning, spinning around. "I love wearing your clothes," he beamed, swinging James' hand in his, back and forth.  
   
"I like it too," James told him. "But we need to get you some that actually fit right. You'll be more comfortable and you'll look a lot better."  
   
James grabbed a jacket for himself and for Shay; he zipped his up to the top, and Shay copied him. Then James took his hand, grabbed his wallet, car keys and phone, and headed out to the car. Once they set off from the large house, James handed his phone over to Shay. "Find me Carlos' number and dial it, will you?"  
   
"Sure!" Shay worked the phone with ease and handed it over to James, who held it to his ear and gripped the steering wheel with his free hand, eyes firmly on the road.  
   
 _"Hi, James!"_ the cheery voice greeted from the other end of the phone. _"What's up?"_  
   
"I wanted to see if you and Logan were interested in calling over this afternoon," James replied, glancing over at Shay for a moment, who was looking out the window, surveying the city streets and smiling in awe. "We can hang out for a while, and I want you to meet someone."  
   
 _"What?! **Who?!** " _Carlos demanded, voice getting louder at each syllable. _"Tell me!!"  
_    
"He's my boyfriend, that's all I'm telling you!" James retorted, unable to help smirking to himself. "You'll see when you come over. At about one o'clock, yeah? See you then!" And he hung up before a very confused Carlos could say another word or ask another question.   
   
Shay giggled as James tossed his phone onto the dashboard and kept driving, looking for a suitable place to park. "They'll probably be looking forward to their visit," he teased, sitting back again comfortably in his seat. "So, are you going to park somewhere?"  
   
"Yeah, along here," James answered, pulling into a decently sized parking space. He turned the engine off and picked up his phone, opening the passenger door and getting out. "Come on!"  
   
Shay hopped out of the car and shut the door, James locking the car and putting the keys safely in his jacket pocket a second after, zipping it in securely. "So, what kind of clothes are you going to buy me?" Shay asked in excitement, taking his hand as they headed off down the sidewalk. They passed many people, who smiled or nodded at them, some beaming or blushing when Shay gave them a bright and friendly grin, squeezing closer to James every time that he did. Probably the cutest sight they'd seen all morning.  
   
"Well, I'm gonna get you some underwear," James said, listing the necessary items off as he thought of them. "Maybe two pairs of shoes, a couple of pairs of jeans, pyjamas if you want them, some shirts and t-shirts, a sweater too, a jacket, maybe a scarf or hat. I can buy you lighter clothes once we hit spring and it starts to warm up again, but that won't be for another few months so we don't have to worry about that yet." And he suddenly realised that he was basically saying he would be keeping Shay for at least the year. A year was a long time. But as he thought about it, it was unlikely there'd be any reason for him to want to get rid of such a sweet . . . er . . . person. Boyfriend.  
   
"Sounds good!" Shay cheered. "I can't wait!"  
   
James led Shay along the street towards all the shops where he would normally buy new clothes. They weren't cheap, but he didn't spend all his money on clothes either. He'd always found it unwise; he may have had more money than he knew what to do with but the last thing he wanted was to lose it over something that he could buy at the same quality for half the price. He bought Shay’s winter jacket in Diesel, proud of the admiring looks the stick thin and glamorous employees gave him as he tried it on, looking in the mirror and examining it from every angle. "Do you like it, Jamie?" he asked. If he'd noticed the both jealous and envious glances some of the employees tossed at James, he didn't act like it.  
   
James grinned, hugging him from behind and kissing his cheek, glancing in the mirror at how their bodies fit together. "It looks perfect."  
   
They continued their shopping all morning, darting back and forth from store to store. They bought button shirts, polo t-shirts, some graphic tees, two pairs of skinny jeans and some sweats, a black zip up sweater and a trapper hat. Shay adored it, squealing and putting it on his head immediately. He wore it all around town, chattering about how it kept his ears warm and toasty and it was just so soft and comfy and he loved James for buying it for hm. He felt so overwhelmed by the compliments and the fuss that was being made over him. He'd never been worshipped so much, like this. Never been worshipped at all, of course. He wasn't sure if he loved it, or if it was just too much for him and he wanted to break free.  
   
They got home at noon, walking in through the door laden with shopping bags dangling off their arms and from their hands. They carried them all upstairs, and James cleared out what little he had in the two bottom drawers of his dresser, giving room for Shay to fold his clothes and put them in there. He took Shay's sneakers and boots and lined them up by the far wall, next to where he kept all of his shoes. The sight of those small, dainty shoes next to his was cute to see. He hung Shay's sweater up in the closet with his, along with his jacket. They unpacked and folded up the clothes together, putting underwear together and t-shirts together, and so on. "There!" James said, smiling and straightening up. He dangled all of the empty bags on his arms, tucking the receipts into the little notebook on top of his dresser where he always kept them. "You can change into whatever you want," James told him. "I'm gonna get rid of these bags, and make myself a sandwich. I haven't eaten all day, so . . ."  
   
"Got it, captain!" Shay replied, winking. "Will I just put your clothes back where you got them?" He tugged at the Superman shirt.  
   
"Yeah, do. Thanks." He kissed Shay quickly and then made his way downstairs. He flattened each of the shopping bags in turn and stuffed them all into the recycling bin. He then went and made a sandwich, eating it at the counter with a glass of water. He hadn't realised how hungry he was, and hadn't known how much early morning clothes shopping could take out of him. Given that he'd never been even mildly tempted to go and do it.  
   
Shay suddenly walked into the kitchen, announcing his arrival with a little twirl and a, "Well?"  
   
James looked up. Shay was dressed in the pale blue skinny jeans they'd bought and a navy t-shirt with a tiger emblazoned on the front. His feet were still bare, and James knew that if he were human, his feet would be freezing on the kitchen tiles. But he wasn't, and he was perfectly fine. "You look great," he told him. "A lot better now that the clothes actually fit you properly."  
   
Shay giggled. "Thank you."  
   
James finished his sandwich, and he and Shay sat and talked while he counted down until Logan and Carlos' arrival, staring up at the clock. When he heard the loud obnoxious repetitive ringing of the doorbell, which they only did to annoy him, he smiled and jumped up, hurrying off down the hallway. He had to stop and take a deep breath to compose himself, before opening the door.  
   
"James!!" Carlos greeted, grinning. "Hiya!" The two stood side by side, both wrapped up in their warm clothes.  
   
"Hi, guys!" James greeted, smiling wide and stepping back from the door. Logan and Carlos walked in, unzipping their jackets and letting out long whooshed breaths from their red noses and chapped mouths.   
   
"It's freezing outside!" Logan told James breathlessly, hanging up his jacket and rubbing his pink hands together. "I’m surprised there's no snow . . . I think it's more of a dry cold."  
   
"That's the worst," James replied with a sympathetic nod. "Want some coffee or something to warm yourselves up?"  
   
"That’d be great!" Carlos said, smiling eagerly and hanging his coat up too, unwinding his scarf from around his neck and hanging that up too. He took Logan's hand in his, cheeks flushing a little more than they already were as he grinned at James and said, "Our anniversary dinner on Tuesday night was amazing. We went to our favourite restaurant; you know, Somerlyn?"  
   
"Oh yeah! Haven't been there in forever. I miss those amazing breaded mushrooms they make." James turned around to face the rest of the house. He took a deep breath, and called out to where his boyfriend was hidden away in one of the many rooms. "Shay!" As soon as the name left his lips, his knees began to shake a little. What if Carlos and Logan didn't like him, or if they had done it all as a joke and didn't believe he'd really do it? Still, it wasn't like those gift cards were cheap, so that'd be a waste of money . . . They didn't have money to throw away like he did.   
   
"Hi Jamie!" Shay greeted in a cheery voice, prancing down the stairs with a wide smile, only to jump into his arms and kiss him, giggling happily when James wrapped his arms around him. James then turned to look at Carlos and Logan, who were eyeing Shay like they were trying to figure something out. Carlos' brow was furrowed slightly as his eyes wandered over Shay's pretty pale face and lithe body.  
   
"Well," Logan said at last, folding his arms and smirking. "Who's this cutie?"   
   
Carlos promptly elbowed his boyfriend in the ribs, catching Shay by surprise and smiling sweetly at him. "I mean," Logan wheezed slightly, hand gripping his side. "Who's . . . _*cough*_ who's the blond one? Who happens to be a cutie I am in no way interested in . . ."  
   
"That's more like it!' Carlos cheered, patting Logan on the back.  
   
James rested his arm comfortably around Shay's slim waist as the smaller man (or not man, but frankly it was easier to think of it as making out with a man rather than a hunk of metal) stood beside him. "Guys, this is Shay. He's my boyfriend."  
   
Instantly Logan frowned slightly tilting his head in confusion. "Is he from the . . .?"  
   
"The ACC? Oh, yeah," James replied, trying to keep his tone carefree but suddenly coming to the harsh realisation that his knees were still trembling. "He arrived last night."  
   
"Ooh, last night." Carlos smirked along with Logan, winking at James as his smile widened into a catlike grin. "So, did you . . .?"  
   
 ** _"No!!"_**  
   
"Unfortunately," Shay added, sighing mournfully and pouting as he snuggled against James' side. James squeaked, cheeks turning bright red as Logan roared with laughter at the expression on his face.  
   
"Y-yes, well," James stuttered, clearing his throat nervously. "All in good time. Now, do you go want that coffee?"  
   
"Sure!" Carlos replied, heading off towards the kitchen. James, Logan and Shay followed, Logan sitting beside him on the stools by the kitchen counter. James headed over to the coffee machine, opening the cupboard next to it and taking out three mugs. Shay didn't need to drink any; and honestly, he'd seen too many comedic scenes involving caffeine in too many films to be comfortable giving any to a robot. As he switched the machine on, he glanced to his left when he suddenly realised that Shay was standing beside him. He was looking up at James with wide and eager eyes, a small smile on his shell pink lips.  
   
"Shay," James said at last, smiling at him and gently brushing his thumb over the blond's cheek. "Why don't you go over and sit with Carlos and Logan?"  
   
Shay frowned. "Don't you want me over here with you?"  
   
"I'll be over there with you guys in just a minute," James promised. "As soon as I finish making his coffee for the Carlos and Logan, okay?"  
   
Shay shrugged, nodding. "Okay then." He walked over to where Carlos and Logan sat and perched on the stool beside them, arms folded on the counter as he watched them both. As James retrieved the carton of milk from the fridge and added a drop or two to Carlos', the way he liked it, he suddenly heard Shay say to his friends, "Neither of you are going to steal my boyfriend, are you?"  
   
Logan spluttered, in surprise, eyes widening. "N-no!"  
   
"The thing is, Shay," Carlos said quickly, resting a comforting hand on Logan's arm. He smiled at Shay in the friendliest and most comfortable at he could manage. "Logan is my boyfriend. We've been together for two years."  
   
"Ohh." Shay bit his lip. "I’m sorry, was I rude?"  
   
"No no!!” Carlos replied hastily, smiling wider. "We just, we weren't expecting that . . ."  
   
"Do you think I'll be James' boyfriend for two years?" Shay asked eagerly.  
   
"Maybe," was all Carlos managed to reply, looking away again. When he caught James' eyes, however, he just gave him a wink and a cheery smile, as though nothing was out of the ordinary. Which it wasn't . . . right?  
   
He shook himself out of that insecurity and brought Carlos' cup of coffee over, before going back to the machine and making Logan's and his own. When he walked over and sat with them, serving Logan his drink and placing his own down on the counter, Shay immediately looped his arm around James', nuzzling against his neck and leaving little fluttering kisses against it. James picked up his coffee with his shaky free hand and managed to take a slow sip and place the cup back on the counter without dropping it. Out of the corner of his eye, he was Logan and Carlos watching them, both smirking. He knew they would tease him about this in the weeks, months, and even years to come. What were best friends for, after all?  
   
The four of them sat in the kitchen for the afternoon. James talked to Carlos and Logan, Shay listened and added in his own comment every now and then; often something that embarrassed James and caused Carlos and Logan to crack up laughing. Then Shay would either laugh too and give James a cute little peck on the cheek or mouth, or he'd pout, fearing he'd done something wrong until James reassured him that it was perfectly fine. He was used to getting mortified within relationships, after all. Practically his role, in the universe in the whole grand scheme of things and all. What a fulfilling purpose . . .  
   
Every now and then he felt Shay's hand on his crotch and remembered what he had promised for today, and every time he prayed and prayed that the other guys wouldn't notice, or that he wouldn't get an awkward boner at the mental image of Shay's beautiful body lying completely bare under him, the most gorgeous and arousing sounds escaping for that pretty mouth. Fuck, he needed to stop thinking about this right now. Considering that last night it had been a terrifying ordeal for him to even consider having sex with Shay. He had a suspicion, although it wasn't completely clear what the fear stemmed from, that it had something to do with the fact that even though Shay looked and spoke and acted like a human, he wasn't one. He was admittedly worried about how that would turn out. But on the other hand, he knew that in reality it was unlikely to damage or harm Shay in any way, or harm him. What good was buying a boyfriend or girlfriend if you couldn't even have sex with them without the fear of electrocution? He had nothing to worry about.  
   
But the next time Shay's hand landed on his clothed dick he still felt that unsettling terror in his stomach, cheeks flushing. And he kind of wanted Carlos and Logan to leave so he could stop worrying about it. Finally, they decided they would.  
   
"This has been fun," Logan announced, getting off his stool and pushing it back under the counter. Carlos did the same thing. "Thanks for the coffee, James. And Shay," Logan shook Shay's hand, the blond smiling shyly as he did. "It was very nice to meet you. I'm sure you're going to make James very happy."  
   
"I already am, I hope," Shay replied, looking flustered as he held James' hand and looked up into his eyes. "My Jamie is everything to me."  
   
"Aww," Carlos cooed at them. "So adorable! Anyway, Shay, I’m gonna call you Ken-doll from now on."  
   
"Is that offensive?" Shay asked slowly, eyes narrowing and hand tightening slightly on James'. That iron grip caught him off guard every time. It was like a little fluffy lamb suddenly growing eight scaly tentacles and large devil horns in the space of a millisecond. Weird analogy, but the closest he could come to describing it.  
   
But then there was, of course, that standard comparison; a wolf in a cute, innocent sheep's clothing. He needed to stop thinking about this.  
   
"No, it's not!" Carlos laughed, not put off in the slightest by Shay's change in personality and attitude. "It's just because you're from the ACC, and you're pretty and blond. Ken dolls? Kendoll?"  
   
"Okay," Shay said slowly, smiling again. "I'll get used to that."  
   
"Great!" Carlos stepped forward and gave James a quick hug, more fleeting than normal. James had a feeling it was to do with how close Shay was standing to him. Logan hugged him too, and then the two walked out to the front door. "Call us if you want to hang out!" Carlos called as he opened the door. "Like a double date or whatever! You'll like that, Kendoll!"  
   
As soon as the door closing was heard in the kitchen, Shay leaped forward and wrapped his arms around James' neck, smashing their lips together. "You think a double date would be fun?" James asked breathlessly when Shay pulled back for a second. Though he only pulled back to pepper little kisses along the brunet's neck, tugging the neckline of his shirt.   
   
"I do," Shay replied, hands tugging at the hem of James' shirt and pulling it up over his head before he could be stopped. "But right now, I want to be right here. With you, Jamie." Then he was throwing off his own shirt, arms tight and hands locked in James' hair as he leaped up into his arms, legs looping around his waist. James quickly caught him to stop him from falling, blushing when he realised his hands were on Shay's pert ass. He just shrugged and squeezed it roughly, the blond gasping and dragging a hand down his bare back. "Jamie," he moaned. "Upstairs, now."  
   
While he still had his little bit of reluctance and fear at what was going to happen, James came to realise it was inevitable. Not that he was being forced into it, but sooner or later he knew he would give in anyway. It might as well be sooner rather than later; he hadn't gotten laid since Dak dumped him and Shay was hot, and very very willing. James carried him up the stairs, moaning softly as Shay's hands alternated from on his chest and abs around to grab at his back, up to tug on his hair between passionate kisses. At one point James stumbled against a wall in his aroused daze. Shay let out a delighted giggle, dropping his legs down from around James' waist. "Careful, Jamie. Don't hurt your head." He took James' hand and they walked down the hallway. He opened the door to his room and hurried inside, pushing James down onto the bed, his strength causing his breath to catch in his chest again.  
   
Shay leaned down and unbuttoned James' jeans, dragging them down his thighs. James watched him apprehensively as the blond tugged his jeans off at his ankles, before slowly moving his hands up James' legs again to tug on his boxers and pull them down too. James sat up a little and leaned on his elbows, watching Shay continue stripping off. His body was absolutely flawless. As he slid his jeans down slowly, swaying his hips a little as he did, his hand slid down to wrap around his stiffening dick before he'd even realised it. Shay gripped his boxer briefs and tugged them down in an instant, letting them slip down his legs and kicking them off. James' staring at Shay's naked body was momentarily diverted as he watched them fly across the room.  
   
Then Shay was on top of him, kissing him, and he forgot about that.  
   
Of course, he'd seen Shay naked the day before, but it was nothing compared to this. Shay's hands were sliding all over him, his small fingers wrapped around his cock and stroking it while his other hand tugged on his hair, lips splayed over his chest as he kissed and licked and sucked on every inch of skin he could reach. James moaned and shivered everywhere that Shay touched him. He could feel the blond's erection prodding at his thigh, and when he reached down to take hold of it, it felt fairly real. He wondered what the orgasm would be like. Hmm . . .  
   
"Have you got any condoms?" Shay asked suddenly. "We need to use one."  
   
"Oh, right. Yeah." James pointed towards the bedside locker. Shay grinned, reaching over and sliding it open. Fumbling around and taking out a condom from the box, he ripped the wrapper off and rolled the latex barrier onto James' dick, making sure it was on right before shutting the drawer again, satisfied. James watched the whole procedure with fascinated eyes. It was weird, having someone else to do that for him. But he liked it. “You don’t need lube?”

No, no,” Shay replied briefly, shaking his head and giggling a little. “It’s be a nightmare to wash myself with lube and cum in me, know what I mean? It’s gross.” 

“Oh . . .” James blushed.  
   
"You just lie back," Shay whispered in a seductive tone, smirking as he sat back, straightening up and scooting forward a little. He raised himself up on his knees, leaning forward so his hands pressed finely against James' pecs and his ass was hovering just above the tip of James' cock. "I'll take care of everything."  
   
Then Shay was sliding down and letting out one of the sexiest sounds he'd ever heard and _god_ , James could get used to this. Shay's head was hanging back in pleasure, hair falling over his face as he straightened up again and began to bounce on James' lap, moaning each time he sank down fully and took James' cock completely inside of him. James grinned up at him, trying to close his mouth in between the little pleasures grunts and moans he couldn't help letting out. No such luck. Shay was bouncing faster and harder, his cheeks were flushed and his hair was tossed around and the sounds he was making could rival any porn star James had ever heard. Not that he'd heard many . . .  
   
"Jamie, you're so _big_ ," Shay screamed, hips quivering and moving so fast that at times they were just a blur. He was so tight and hot, clenching around James' dick so perfectly. He had no idea how much time had passed, or how Shay wasn't getting tired, or how lucky he was to get laid for the first time in months and for it to end up like this. Last time he would feel nervous over anything sexual. He hoped. He'd never had sex like this.  
   
"Sh- _ay_ ," James choked out. His hands shook, jerking up from where he'd been clinging to the bed covers, to his stomach, until he pushed them up to grip Shay's hips. "S-slow down, I'm gonna come . . ."

Shay nodded but his speed barely faltered, bouncing and swaying his hips as his hands slid down James’ chest, scratching slightly at the skin. James gasped, moaning shakily and trembling from head to toe as he came hard, filling the condom up and panting. His mind clouded, his body hot and shaky and his vision slightly blurry (because at some point during their intense kisses, Shay had taken his glasses off and he hadn’t noticed), all he could think was that that was the best sex he’d ever had.  
   
James then noticed, as Shay's body collapsed on top of him, his dick had completely softened, while James' was still dying down a little. He hadn't really come at all; he'd just acted it out, in a way. He must've been programmed to 'finish' the same time as James did. Maybe to do with those heartbeat and body temperature sensors, or something. Ahh, science and technology perfectly combined.

Shay rolled off him immediately, lying back on the bed with a contented smile. “So, Jamie,” he said, looking up at him with a satisfied expression. “Did you enjoy that?”

James looked over at him, chest still heaving slightly, cheeks flushed. “It was amazing,” he told him honestly. “I don’t even get why I was so nervous. It was dumb, really.”

“Well,” Shay chirped, sitting up. “Now that you know how amazing it is, we can have sex all the time!” The way he just chirped it sounded like he was inviting him to go play on the swings in the backyard together. James just gave a tired smile and nodded. “Let me clean up for you,” Shay continued, peeling the used condom off James’ dick and skipping off into the bathroom, no limp whatsoever in his step. Figured. It was more of a spring than anything. Shay came back with some tissues, wiping the remaining droplets of semen off James’ dick, before throwing them away and lying back down, snuggling into his arms. James wrapped the blond up in his arms, finding comfort, funnily enough, in that feeling of giving comfort.

“Jamie,” Shay said softly, looking up at him with those large and eager bottle green eyes. “We’re going to be happy together, right?”

James kissed his head. “Of course we are. As long as we both care for each other.” He couldn’t bring himself to say ‘love’. Although this was nothing like he’d ever experienced, it had only been one day. But Shay seemed happy and curled up against his chest, sighing in content.

After all, what could go wrong? 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

**PART II - CHANGES.**

 

_All I've seen since 18 hours ago is green eyes, freckles and your smile._

 

Shay settled in well to James' home. He immediately knew his whole way around the house, knew what every room was and what James used or didn't use it for. He knew all of James' favourite things, and everything that he hated was kept far away from him. They stayed at home plenty of nights, playing cards or watching movies or just hanging out. Or kissing. They had sex a lot, pretty much all over the place. Shay had tireless energy preserved for these kinds of activities and was all over him any time that James was innocent and unprepared for it. Sometimes he would panic and push him away. But after a couple of weeks of stopping these advances maybe 50% of the time, that started to reduce. By the time Shay had been there a month he'd stopped protesting altogether. He enjoyed it, might as well just go with the flow. Sometimes he even braved making his own moves to coax Shay into bed, or onto any other flat surface at their disposal. Not that he needed much coaxing. Or any at all.  
   
And some nights Carlos and Logan would come over, or James and Shay would visit them. Or the four of them would go out together. Carlos and Shay got on especially well, the Latino always keeping Logan far away from the blond. Even though Logan repeatedly protested that calling Shay cutie had been a one time thing. Carlos always joked about how James and his 'Kendoll' made a great couple. James wished he would shut up, but at the same time, it was sweet. He liked what they'd done for him. The weather got colder, October turned to November, and Shay had been there since the beginning of September. It felt like time had just flown by.  
   
But not everything since his purchase had been smooth sailing. There had been, of course, some awkward and/or embarrassing incidents. Little things like a friendly checkout girl with her hand on James' arm in a casual but definitely flirty manner. Then Shay would appear next to him and ten seconds later that poor girl would be three miles away, possibly cowering and hugging her knees, rocking back and forth on the floor. James tried to explain to Shay that he had nothing to worry about because he wasn't even remotely attracted to girls, but his boyfriend always seemed to forget this. Then there were moments when Shay got hit on by either gender because let's face it, he was attractive to the whole population of the world. Then Shay would instantly become outraged, ranting and raging about how his poor boyfriend would be so betrayed and he would never ever dream of hurting his precious Jamie like that. Which was flattering, but mortifying at the same time.  
   
But they were happy together, like James had said they would be. It was a Tuesday afternoon, and James held Shay's hand intertwined in his as they walked down the street side by side. "That was such a nice lunch!" Shay was saying to James, laughing and tugging him along. James of course, knew Shay was only saying this to make him happy; he had no sense of taste. But he still felt that little sense of accomplishment and grinned at Shay, holding his hand tighter. Shay had placed his trapper hat back on top of his blond hair, looking sweet and angelic as usual.  
   
"I'm glad you liked it!" James replied happily, turning around to face him, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to kiss him and give him a hug. "Now, let's go home. I’m looking forward to relaxing; it's been a busy afternoon."  
   
"I know," Shay giggled, taking hold of James's jacket collar and kissing him again. He laughed loudly when his forehead bumped off James' glasses. "I always forget to watch out for those. You look so cute in them!"  
   
"I don't, I look dorky," James protested as Shay tugged him down the street.  
   
"You do not! You look sexy!" Shay bit his lip, turning and winking at him before tugging James closer to his body, the brunet stumbling a little against him. "And when we get home, I'll prove to you just how sexy I think you are . . ."  
   
"I like the sound of that," James murmured in his ear, nibbling on it and making him laugh. James swapped their positions again so he was in the lead, turning around to smile at Shay as they continued down the street. Shay was gazing at him lovingly and longingly. Straight white teeth shining brightly, he looked at James like he had the whole world in his hands and he never wanted to let it go. James had never been looked at like that, by anyone. Except for maybe his mother, though he was far too young at the time to remember it now.  
   
Then his back suddenly collided with someone in front of him. He heard a thump, and a clatter, a grunt of pain. He turned around, eyes widening. "Shit, I'm sor—"  
   
 _Wait._  
   
 ** _Shay?_** _  
_  
No, Shay was still holding his hand. James reached out his other hand to help the stranger get back up on his feet, regaining his balance. The man looked away from him immediately, mumbling something as he bent down to pick up, what James realised, was a tall vase made of tin, half full of white roses. A bit of the water had spilled onto the sidewalk, but he picked it up before any more could tip out. Then he gathered up the remaining roses in his hand and slotted them back into the vase, ignoring the thorns pricking at his fingers. Then he stood up, and James caught glance of a pair of very green eyes.  
   
"Watch where you're going next time," Shay said suddenly and a little rudely. At first, James was surprised, then he realised that Shay was talking to the stranger. And was even more surprised, because it just seemed so unlike him. "You could've hurt my boyfriend."  
   
"Right. Sorry." He didn't sound sorry in the slightest.  
   
James just couldn’t stop staring at him. How was this even possible! But he did manage to stutter out, "N-No, Shay. It was my fault, I was looking behind me when I shouldn't have been." His eyes met the stranger's again. "You alright?"  
   
"I'm fine. Um . . ." His eyes flickered from James, to Shay, and back to James. He stumbled a little over his words as he quickly held up his bouquet. "Um, w-would you like to buy a flower?"  
   
James' eyes fell on the pretty white roses he was carrying, and then wandered over the rest of him. He could finally take it all in without his brain and other insides turning into mush. The blond had a tote bag over his shoulder that was worn and covered with coloured patches. He had dark blond, shaggy hair with bangs too long falling into his eyes. He had to keep brushing them aside. He wore a grey beanie hat on his head and a frayed striped scarf around his neck. His hands looked small, contrasting snow white against his black coat. His hands looked whiter than the roses, and a lot more likely to snap in too. They were trembling slightly.  
   
"Jamie," Shay whined, tugging on his arm. "Come on, that thing will just die before we get home."  
   
James ignored him, eyes still on the stranger, who was looking up at him with a kind of hope in his eyes. He was just as short as Shay was. "How much?" James asked.  
   
"They're $2 each."  
   
Shay scoffed, glancing at him scornfully. "I could buy myself a pretty new pair of socks with half that. And they'd last a lot longer."  
   
The rugged stranger glanced disdainfully at him, before commenting in a cheery voice, "Love the nose job." But he wasn't looking at Shay as he said it; he was looking at James. James swallowed, cheeks heating up. Did he know?  
   
Then he turned away to give a throaty cough into the back of his hand, and James' mind was made up. "I'll take one," he decided, fishing some cash from his pocket.  
   
"Thank you," the stranger replied slightly breathlessly, seeming almost overwhelmed as he plucked a rose from the tin vase and handed it over with one of his fragile hands. James gathered two dollars in his hand, and was about to hand it over when he quickly withdrew his hand. The stranger's jaw dropped as James added another ten dollars and pushed it into his hand. He shook his head quickly. "N-no, I can't take—"  
   
"Take it," James said firmly. "Buy yourself something hot to eat. Or maybe something for your throat. Okay?"  
   
"I . . ." He looked down at the money in his hand, like he'd never seen anything so wonderful in his life. "Okay. Thank you so much." He then stuffed it into his bag, as if he were afraid that James would change his mind and take it away again.  
   
"James," Shay whined, tugging on his hand. "Come on. I wanna get home." He leaned up and pressed his mouth against James' ear. "So I can get you all alone . . ."  
   
"I should go," James said quickly to the man, who just nodded before stepping back and nodding in acknowledgement and looking away. James let Shay lead him off down the street, glancing at the rose he held in his hand. He raised it to his nose and sniffed it; the sweet scent reminded him of when his grandmother used to plant flowers in their garden, when he was younger. She was his father's mother, and had moved in after his mom died. But she didn't stay long; eventually she admitted that she'd always wanted to go to the next state and live there. She'd never been close to his father. After she left, James had tried to keep the roses and tulips and sunflowers alive, but they hadn't lasted long.  
   
He wondered if those flowers gave the stranger similar memories. He longed to find out.   
   
As soon as he got home, James found a tall thin glass in one of the kitchen cupboards and filled it with water. He placed the rose in it and put it on the counter. He sat on one of the stools and rested his head on his arms, staring at it. The petals bloomed out, and he hoped the flower would stay healthy for a while. _Please don't die on me. At least not until tomorrow._  
   
Then I can buy another one.  
   
"Jamie, baby?"  
   
James glanced towards the door to see Shay standing there, only in his underwear. He walked over, hips swaying and a smirk on his face. He rested a hand on James' chest, before leaning in and kissing his neck. "Why don't you come upstairs?" he purred, hand sliding up under James' shirt.  
   
James chuckled, stepping off the stool and sweeping Shay up into his arms. He carried the giggling blond out of the room. Shay's tongue slid along his bottom lip as he let out little cute moans every time James' hand squeezed his ass or nipped on his neck. They fell onto the bed, limbs intertwined, Shay's breath puffing out against his open mouth as he wrapped himself around James' hard body.  
   
James forgot about the stranger as he and Shay rolled around in bed together, loud moans and grunts and the slight creak of the bed springs ringing in his ears and clouding his other senses. It wasn't until he was coming down from the high of his orgasm, and Shay was gently kissing a little line down his cheek and his neck, that he suddenly remembered those eyes. And that comment, "Nice nose job." He wanted to make sense of it; he wanted to figure this out.  
   
Shay might not be pleased with him, but he knew that his mind wouldn't rest until he did.  
   


* * *

  
   
Kendall tipped his empty tin vase over slowly, letting the water trickle down into the drain by the sidewalk. An empty hand at the end of the day or week was always good. This way, he could buy some dinner for himself and for Merlin, if he would eat it, and pop some into his savings jar for later. Zipping up his coat further, he opened up his tote bag and tossed the little vase inside, before heading off down the street. There was a McDonald's a block or two away, next to a little grocery store. He could get some shopping done while he was at it. Heading into the store, he wandered back and forth through the aisles, trying to decide what to buy. He stopped by the shelves of pet food and grabbed a little tin of cat food, holding it in his hand as he walked on. He found some herbal tea on sale and grabbed that too, deciding that was enough for today. When he went up to the counter to pay for it, he fished out the ten dollars he'd been given that day and used it. He smiled to himself as he thought of the strange generosity of that man. Must've felt bad for him. Still, he wasn't complaining.  
   
Tucking his groceries into his bag, he walked next door to the McDonald's and bought a Big Mac combo, picking up the paper bag in his hand and holding it carefully, close to his chest where it was safe. He never missed the pitying glances thrown his way as the people around him eyed his sheer desperation, his protective instinct over this meal he had managed to secure. He stared right back, like they were below him. But of course, that wasn't the case. It never had been and it never would be.  
   
Kendall walked home alone, one hand securely under his brown paper bag to keep it safe. All around him, couples were meeting up for evening dates, friends were heading home after a long day of hanging out, and solitary figures were leaving after a hard and long day of work. He often surveyed these people passing him on the streets, wondering what their stories were. Did they have brothers and sisters, or were they alone like he was? Were they happy? Did they do the same thing he did, glancing at their fellow city residents and wishing they were someone else, somewhere else?  
   
He was so lost in his thoughts that he almost missed the turn in to his home, but instinct and habit kept him on the right path. He hopped up the steps, feet clanging off the metal staircase. Opening up his apartment window, he hopped in and shut it after him to keep the heat inside. Shutting the curtains after him, he wandered over to the door and flicked the switch beside it, light flooding his apartment immediately. "Merlin!" he called, standing at the kitchen counter and taking out his groceries, dumping his tote bag on the table. "Dinner!" He took off his coat, scarf and hat, draping them over a chair safely and straightening his shirt so it covered his torso completely again.  
   
He turned the tap on and picked up the kettle, filling it enough for one cup of tea and setting it back down, switching it on. He coughed a little into his hand, and when he turned around he saw Merlin sitting on the counter and sniffing at his takeaway bag, grey nose twitching. "No, not that," Kendall chuckled, picking the bag up and placing it on the other side of him. "That's my dinner. This is yours." He picked up the tin and opened it, picking up Merlin's bowl from the floor and dumping the food into it. As soon as he placed it on the floor, Merlin was on top of it, purring and slobbering as he began to gobble the food down. Kendall smiled to himself, throwing the empty can in the trash. When the water in the kettle had boiled, he grabbed his mug from the cupboard and busied himself making a cup of tea. Once he'd finished, he sat down on the couch and put his tea on the coffee table, ripping his takeaway bag open and eating straight from the paper.  
   
Just as he was finishing his meal and crumpling up the paper, Merlin jumped up onto the couch next to him, content now that he'd been fed. He curled up against the cushions, before suddenly opening his mouth wide and giving a loud sneeze, face crumpling. Kendall gave a sad smile, scratching behind the cat's ears. "Poor thing." He threw away his food bag and picked up his tote bag again, fishing around in it until he'd found all his earnings from that day, and placed them on the counter in front of him. Counting it all up, it came to $20. Not bad, really. Could've been better, maybe he could do a better job tomorrow. He gathered the money in his hands and carefully slotted it into his savings jar, which sat on the counter in its usual place. It was just a third full; he had to count it tomorrow and see how much more he needed to pay that month's bills. While the cost sometimes varied, he did everything he could to make sure it was always more or less the same. He couldn't afford any different.  
   
He finished his cup of tea curled up on the couch; he kicked off his shoes and tucked his feet in close to Merlin. The warmth from his body was nice and soothing, as was the tea for his throat. He hated getting sick, but he'd been prone to bad coughs and colds every Minnesota winter since he was a child. His mother had never been seen from September to February without a packet of tissues or some cough syrup in her hand, brandishing it as though it were a deadly defence weapon. He'd always found it pretty amusing, because he was never really that sick. But he'd just been a kid, what did he know?  
   
He washed out Merlin's bowl and his mug, leaving them on the counter to dry by themselves. Then he went and brushed his teeth, before changing into his pyjamas; sweatpants and a tank top, with a sweater pulled over his head if it was cold. He wore it tonight and rolled up the sleeves, before switching off the light and filling the apartment with darkness. "Merlin," he called softly, making his way across the floor and crawling into bed, snuggling down under the warm covers. "Come on."  
   
He could hardly see in the low light, but he just about made out the dark shape that popped up on the bed next to him. He lay on his side, Merlin crawling over to curl up against his stomach, head resting against his covered chest. Kendall stroked him gently, smiling to himself. Outside, he heard some deep voices shouting to each other, the sound of glass smashing. Footsteps running off down the alley. He heard sirens at some point, and the sound of a loud and obnoxious car horn. Growing up, he hadn't heard things like this when he was trying to get to sleep. But he'd lived in a cute little suburban house with a white picket fence, so what did he expect? At most, he'd heard laughter. Other than that there'd been silence, or maybe the sound of the television downstairs, or his parents talking amongst themselves in the living room.  
   
He yawned, shut his eyes. He was exhausted, what did it matter what he heard?  
   
Right before he drifted off into the oblivion of sleep, his mind went back to the stranger who'd bought him a meal. He'd never expected to see the Lover he'd created. That'd been the biggest shock of the day. He wondered what that stranger's story was.   
   
The Lover had no story. It began with the stranger, and would end with him too. He just knew that nobody had any idea when, why, or how.

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

James tugged on his shoes, reaching for his wallet and his car keys and his phone.   
   
"Sweetie, where are you going?"  
   
James started, glancing over his shoulder to see Shay standing at the door with wide eyes, a pout on his plump pink lips. "I'm just going to get some groceries is all," James replied quickly. "No biggie."  
   
"I could do it for you—"  
   
"No, I've got it. I'm gonna meet Carlos while I'm out, so . . ." James scratched the back of his head. "Yeah . . . I'll see you later?"  
   
Shay gave a sultry grin, moving over to him with swaying hips and wrapping his arms around his waist. "I look forward to it," he cooed, standing on his toes and kissing him. James kissed back happily, letting Shay's tongue wrap around his for a second or two before pulling back and saying softly against his lips, "See you soon, babe."  
   
"I love you, Jamie," Shay said sweetly, cuddling him once more before letting him go.  
   
"Love you too," James said quickly, exiting the living room and making a beeline for the front door.  
   
Once he found a place to park in town, James headed straight for the street where he'd seen the man yesterday. He looked around, trying to spot anyone holding flowers, or just anyone in a beanie with shaggy blond hair. But nothing. The stranger was nowhere to be seen. James sighed, frowning to himself. Who on earth was he? And why did he and Shay look so alike . . . why did he act like he knew who (or what) Shay was?  
   
He wanted to find out. Which would be a lot easier if he could find the damn guy.  
   
Then suddenly, through a grubby window with some pretty flowers painted on it from the inside, he saw him. Dressed in jeans and a shabby black coat, wrapped in that stripy scarf with his grey beanie pulled over his head. James' face pressed up against the glass as he eagerly watched the man walk up to the counter of the coffee shop, talking to the woman serving there. He didn't hand over any money, but she smiled at him, ticked something off on a notepad she had, and busied herself making him a hot drink. It must have been one of those pending drinks . . .  
   
He really must've been poor, then. Couldn't even buy a cup of coffee.  
   
An old man at one of the tables looked up from his newspaper and suddenly saw James, hands and face pressed up against the window like a child looking into a candy store. He shook his head in bewilderment before going back to his reading. James pried himself away from the glass and was walking into the coffee shop before he knew it, the cute little bell tinkling softly as he entered. He made his way straight to the counter and ordered a large coffee, tipping her generously and leaving her to work on it. He glanced over and saw the man sitting at a table by himself, hands eagerly wrapped around the hot mug of coffee.   
   
James stared hard at him. He could see now, as he looked properly, that he really did look like Shay. If you were to cover his nose, they could be completely identical. Shay had a cute little button nose; this man's nose was larger, as were his dark and bushy eyebrows. But that pouty mouth looked very similar . . .  
   
Suddenly the man glanced up and _oh my god_ , the eyes were totally different. It was so strange; the colour was exactly the same. But he felt like if he looked into this man's eyes he wouldn't be able to see his reflection the way he could in Shay's. His eyes were too deep . . .  
   
"Here you go, sir," the woman smiled, setting the cup down for him. "Careful, it's hot."  
   
"Thanks," James beamed at her, picking up the cup. When he turned around, the man was still staring right at him. James swallowed nervously, eyes wide and cheeks red.  
   
Then the man gave a small smile and beckoned him over. When James shakily walked to his table, he said, "If you're going to stare at me this much, we might as well have a chat too. Why don't you sit down?"  
   
"Oh. Um . . . okay." James sat across from him, setting down his drink. "Sorry, I didn't mean to stare."  
   
"It's okay, I know why you were." He smiled in understanding. "You don't know how those dolls are made, do you?"  
   
"You know Shay's a doll?"  
   
"Of course I do. A Lover, from the ACC." The man chuckled and _crap_ , he had a dimple too. There was another difference. "How could I not? He looked like a more attractive version of me."  
   
 _I wouldn't say more attractive_ , James wanted to stay. He suddenly spotted the little freckles dotting the bridge of Kendall's nose. Shay's skin was flawless. _I'd say more polished, at best._ "So, how are they made . . .?"  
   
"People are modelled for them," the man explained. "For the basic features of the face. Obviously, people can change their nose and eye colour and things if they like, I imagine you knew that; it's just a basis to get them started. But an airbrushed basis, as is to be expected. I modelled for the company a while back. Every doll's face is unique; I guess you bought mine."  
   
"You're a model?" James squeaked, somehow finding it hard to believe that a model would dress the way he did and sell white roses in the middle of the street.  
   
"No, no," he chuckled. "Not in a million years. I just needed some money. They pay really well, see. Always looking for new faces."  
   
"Oh."   
   
"So, now you know." The man smiled, holding out a breakable porcelain hand. "Anyway, I'm Kendall Knight. Who're you?"  
   
"James Diamond." They shook hands, and James picked up his coffee to take a drink. Kendall did the same, sipping much more daintily but eagerly. "So, are you selling roses again today?"  
   
"Actually I managed to sell all those yesterday so today I've got magazines, but it's too cold out so I gave up. The magazines are in my bag; I needed to get warm." Then Kendall gave a small, squeaky sneeze, blushing scarlet afterwards. "Sorry!!" He gave a sniffle, wiping at his blocked nose with one of the little white napkins. "I've always got a bad cold every other week." He picked up his coffee and took a shaky sip, giving a small sigh of relief before looking up and noticing James staring at him. "What?"  
   
James' face flushed, his mouth opening and closing, but no words coming out right. "I-I just . . . you have a cute sneeze."  
   
"Oh." Kendall gave him a puzzled smile. "Thanks. Not something I hear every day."  
   
"Well, I like to be original," James managed to reply wittily, giving him a charming smile. "It's all part of my breathtaking charisma."  
   
Kendall chuckled. Drinking more of his coffee, he said, "So. If it's not too personal, what brought you to buy Shay in the first place?"  
   
"Well, I wasn't planning on it. My friends Carlos and Logan gave me a gift card for my latest birthday."  
   
"And you were . . .?"  
   
"I'm twenty three, since September." James sighed, not even sure why he wanted to admit this. But somehow Kendall's gaze told him he could say anything he wanted, and he wouldn't look away. "But honestly, I've always had shitty luck with relationships. My most recent was this guy, Dak. We were together for about three months, until he promptly texted me that he'd arrived at his destination in New York, and that it'd been fun, but he had better places to be."  
   
Kendall's jaw dropped. "You're kidding me. What a jackass! He didn't even tell you?"  
   
"Didn't say a word. It was bewildering." He gulped down some of his cooling coffee and gave a sly smile. "But I think you'll prefer the previous boyfriend. We only dated for two weeks."  
   
"Can't wait to hear this . . ."  
   
"He's got a wife. He was a sexual tourist."  
   
Kendall spluttered with laughter, coughing a little by the end and giving another sneeze. "Oh, wow . . . that's very interesting." He giggled. "Think he enjoyed the tour?"  
   
"If he stuck around until he got caught, I'd assume he did." James finished his coffee, draining the cup of the last strong remnants at the bottom. "So. What about you? Got a b— girlfriend?"   
   
But Kendall noticed the little slip up, nodding in confirmation and deadpanned, "I'm gay." He frowned. "Is it that obvious?"  
   
"No no!" James replied quickly, hands up. "I mean, it's not like you're jumping around in sparkly rainbow boots or anything, I just . . . I just knew."  
   
Kendall nodded, giving a relieved smile. "Okay, I can deal with that. And no, I haven't got a boyfriend. I've only ever had one boyfriend, actually."  
   
"Oh." James bit his lip. "Then l . . . then I guess he wasn't what you wanted?"  
   
"No, not that. He was exactly what I wanted. I just wasn't what he wanted." Kendall slumped back in his chair, jutting out his bottom lip and blowing a gust of hair up into his bangs. "You may not be interested, but since you've confided in me I might as well do the same, right?"  
   
"I am interested," James said earnestly. "Really, I am."  
   
"Okay," Kendall replied slowly, smiling warmly at him. His brow furrowed as he began his story. "I met Beau when I was fifteen and he was seventeen, he'd just transferred to my school. He was handsome, and smart, and funny, and older, so naturally it was all a bit overwhelming when it turned out he was interested in me. We dated all through high school, even when he graduated; he was going to college nearby so we still got to see each other. My parents didn't approve of him at all, but I just kept telling myself that I knew better, and that we were in love, all that crappy sappy stuff."  
   
"Three years together though, that's a long time. Are you sure you didn't love him?"  
   
Kendall shrugged, sighing. "I don't know, I guess. Maybe I did. Certainly not anymore."  
   
"So, what happened?"  
   
"Well, basically the second I turned eighteen we decided to move in together. My parents didn't want me around anyway, really, and after that they totally disowned me. They'd always wanted me to be straight anyways, so . . ." He stirred his teaspoon around in his coffee as he continued. "At first everything was fine. I didn't have enough money for college so I just went straight to work. Then about six months later, I came home to find Beau, in our bed, with two girls. All totally naked . . ."  
   
James' heart jumped in his chest, and he felt something hot burning inside of his chest. How could anyone do that?   
   
"He kicked me out after I confronted him, because I'd unfortunately lost my job at the closing diner a few weeks before and wasn't helping pay the rent, as he put it. In reality I think it was just his excuse to get rid of me so he could find someone else to charm. So, there I was; no family, no boyfriend, no job, no home. That's essentially my story in a nutshell."  
   
"So, are you still . . .?" James struggled to finish his sentence, he didn't want Kendall to get offended, or upset, or hate him . . .   
   
"Am I still homeless?" When James nodded nervously, Kendall smiled and shook his head. "No, I'm not. I've got my own small place now, and I'm really happy with it. I wasn't on the streets very long; I'm almost twenty now, been living in that place almost a year."  
   
"Well, that's good to hear," James replied earnestly. And he meant it too. "It must have been tough, living outdoors during winter."  
   
Kendall nodded, sighing. "I made a couple of friends after I got the apartment, but I wish I'd had them then. Not even for help, but just a bit of comfort would've been nice."  
   
James' eyes fell on Kendall's white mug on the table in front of them. "I can get you another coffee." He stood up.  
   
"No, you don't have to do that!" Kendall said quickly, shaking his head.  
   
"I'm gonna get one for myself," James told him, shrugging. "I don't mind . . ."  
   
"Really, I'm okay," Kendall said softly, cheeks flushing slightly "One coffee is enough for me."  
   
"Let me get you a snack, then?"  
   
" _James_ —"  
   
" _Kendall_ ," James said, giving a teasing smile and nudging Kendall's shoulder. "Come on, I know there's something up there you like. If we do this again, you can buy me a snack if it bothers you so much. Okay?"  
   
"Okay . . ." Dimple prominent in his cheek, Kendall looked past James at the shelves of cookies and buns and sandwiches beside the counter, safely secured behind a display window. ". . . The raspberry and almond muffins are my favourite," he said at last, smiling shyly up at James. Somehow he felt like he'd just been entrusted with this gigantic secret.  
   
"I'll be right back," James said, winking at him, before walking over to the counter and addressing the woman standing behind it. "Another coffee and one of those raspberry muffins, please?"  
   
"No problem. That'll be $5." As James handed the money over, he glanced over his shoulder at where Kendall was sitting. The blond wasn't paying attention to him at the moment; he looked a bit zoned out, hands clasped on the table in front of him as his eyes stared blankly into space. James wondered what exactly he was looking at, or what he was remembering. Maybe that period of time when he'd struggled for survival on the street, maybe that moment when he discovered Beau's infidelity. He couldn't even begin to imagine how betrayed he must've felt. James had been cheated on before, so of course he'd experienced that same pain. That automatic feeling of self-loathing, because surely you must've done something wrong for them to ever want to cheat on you in the first place. That unbearable knowing you weren't good enough for them. Then a while later, that sudden realisation that maybe, just maybe, you weren't at fault after all. You'd been faithful, they hadn't. They could've broken up with you and gone for someone else if they were no longer interested, but they hadn't. But no matter what pain he had felt, it must've been different in Kendall's case. He'd completely put his trust in Beau, leaving his family for him and losing his bond with them. Only for Beau to turn around and fuck some STD infested sluts when he had everything he should ever want right in his arms—  
   
He suddenly realised how off track he'd gone. He shook his head slightly, frowning a little.  
   
"Here you go!" the woman announced, setting out the tray with the coffee and the plate with the muffin on it. "Enjoy."  
   
"Right, thanks," James said quickly, smiling at her before picking up the tray and carefully carrying it over to where Kendall was sitting. Kendall looked up and beamed when he saw him. "Here we are," James announced, putting the tray down carefully, taking the drink and snack off it before putting it aside on an empty table, out of their way. He pushed the plate towards Kendall, who wrapped his pale fingers around it and tugged it over. "Thank you," Kendall said softly, smiling at him before peeling off the muffin case and breaking off a piece of the crusty top. "Want some?"  
   
"No thanks, I'm not a fan of nuts," James replied quickly, stirring his coffee a little to cool it down.  
   
"You don't like nuts?" Kendall raised his eyebrows, a smirk stretching across his lips. "But you're gay."  
   
"I'm . . ." James suddenly realised, chuckling a little. "That was an awful joke."  
   
"I know, let's not bring it up again."  
   
"Anyway, I don't mind the taste of nuts. I just hate eating then." James gave an impulsive shudder, sipping from his coffee. He picked up the jug of milk and poured a drop in, before opening a packet of sugar and putting that in too. He stirred it around as he spoke again. "They're all chewy and get stuck in your teeth. I hate it."  
   
"Oh. Well, the almonds on the top are sliced but the rest of them are ground up." Kendall tore a chuck of the soft sponge from the bottom of the muffin and held it out. "Go on. It's good, trust me."  
   
"Okay." James took the piece from Kendall, smiling. "Thanks." He popped it into his mouth, the taste of the sweet berries bursting on his tongue. And the nutty taste was oddly comforting. He could see why Kendall liked these so much. "I like it," he said, once he'd finished it.  
   
"See?" Kendall grinned, eating some of it himself. "Raspberries are my favourite; I'd eat them all day." For a while, they just ate and drank in silence, James easily able to see how much Kendall just wanted to wolf down his food, but was taking his time and trying to make it last longer. "So," Kendall said at last, nibbling at a piece of the crust. "Tell me about your friends, Carlos and Logan. They bought you Shay . . ."  
   
"They're great," James replied, grinning. "Carlos is a kindergarten teacher and Logan's in med school right now. They've been dating for two years, but the good thing is it doesn't even feel awkward being around them. They're just the greatest."  
   
"Two of my friends are together," Kendall said, "And it's the same thing, I don't feel out of place when I’m with them."  
   
"Tell me about your friends," James requested. He wasn't sure whether his curiosity stemmed from the fact that Kendall (and he was guessing, his friends as well) had a completely different lifestyle to his, or just from his overwhelming and confusing need to know everything he could about this intriguing man.   
   
"Okay," Kendall shrugged, sitting back. "Well, I'll name them for you; really, the only three I would consider my friends are Heather, Jett and Lucy."  
   
"What about me?" James asked before he could stop himself. His cheeks flushed. "I-I mean . . . am I your friend?"  
   
Kendall frowned, lip pouted. "Um, let me think about that for a minute . . ."  
   
"Oh," James said slowly, gaze averting downwards. Well, he got that message loud and clear. He tried to tell himself that it didn't burn and sting.  
   
"Of course you're my friend!" Kendall replied, throwing his head back and laughing loudly and gleefully, all bright straight teeth and dimples and sparkling eyes. "Silly! Sorry, I just didn't think to include you, since we're sitting together right now. I think of us as friends, even though we only met today." He paused, smile faltering a little. "Wait. Do you?"  
   
"Oh, of course I do!" James replied immediately. "I . . . as soon as I saw you on the street I wanted to get to know you. As cheesy as it sounds."  
   
"I'm guessing it's because of the similarities between me and your boy toy?" Kendall asked bluntly, raising his eyebrows. When James just stared at him blankly, both struck dumb and a little embarrassed, Kendall quickly shook his head and stuttered, "S-sorry, shouldn't have said that. Right, my friends . . ." He quickly rambled on. "Well, Heather is the sweetest girl you could ever meet, she works as a hairdresser and she's the most well off of all of us. Lucy's not so sweet but she's still a really cool girl, she just graduated high school last summer, she got held back a year because she was moved around a lot when she was young and missed out on a lot. She plays guitar in a scary punk band on weekends in bars or nightclubs and during the day she works in a music store. Jett can be a bit conceited and obnoxious but his heart's in the right place, and he's proven that plenty of times. He's a waiter, uses his spare time to try and make all these low fat and organic healthy recipes he's into." Kendall chuckled, his embarrassment forgotten as he thought of one of the few people in the world he put his trust in. "He can be a bit of a hippie, actually."  
   
"They sound like interesting people," was all James could say. But he meant every word of it.  
   
"They're alright. I love them, I guess." And he shrugged it off like it was no big deal. A minute or two later, he took off his beanie hat and dropped it into his bag, running a hand through his hair to try and flatten it after he'd messed it up. His hair looked soft; maybe not in the best condition, if his lifestyle was that difficult, but it was pretty. Attractive. Then he unwound his striped scarf from around his neck and unbuttoned his jacket, draping his scarf over the back of the chair. "Sorry," he said to the maroon faced James, giggling a little. "I didn't mean to go all stripper on you; I'm just getting a bit warm in here."  
   
No problem," James squeaked. Kendall was thin; very thin. His collarbone jutted out, his shoulders and neck looked brittle and pale. Though of course, all of him was pale. Except for his cheeks, which now had a slightly rosy shade of pink dusted over them, from either the excessive body heat combined with his cold, or just because he was getting flustered again. It seemed to be happening a lot.

They sat there and talked for another hour. About their friends, their interests, or just about the weather outside, cracking jokes and laughing. The old man who’d been staring at James through the window took his newspaper and left. A couple came in for a sandwich and left their wrappers after them on the table. A woman came in for a cup of tea. But still they stayed, losing track of time. The only topics they stayed away from was family and ex boyfriends. At one point, James almost brought Dak up again without thinking, almost fell back into that slump, but Kendall quickly cut in and began to tell him about his favourite movies when he was a kid. Anything Disney had been the top of his list. James was grateful for this, and in turn told Kendall about the movies he used to watch every Christmas, curled up under his blanket.

But eventually, it had to end.  
   
"I'm going to get going," Kendall announced at last, standing up. James watched with disappointment as the blond buttoned up his black coat, wrapped his scarf around his neck and pulled his beanie back on over his ears. "I wanna try and sell a couple more magazines before it gets too late and dark out, I don't like selling at night. All kinds of shit goes on and I don't want to be there to see it."  
   
"Okay." James sighed, standing up too and picking up his jacket, pulling it on and zipping it up to the top. He wanted to keep his neck sheltered from the cold; the last thing he needed was to catch a cold like Kendall's. And he didn't have a cute sneeze like him, nope; he sounded like a water buffalo. Maybe an ill or even dying one. He told Kendall this, who laughed loudly and teased him saying that probably wasn't true. He also blushed at the repeat of the cute sneeze compliments. "Maybe I'll see you around?" James suggested, trying not to sound too hopeful. Though why he would even sound hopeful in the first place, he didn't really understand . . .  
   
"I'd like that," Kendall replied, smiling. "It was good to meet you properly, and talk and everything. I had fun. I completely overdid it in the break from my sales, but it was worth it."  
   
"Good," James grinned. "I'm glad. And I hope you can sell more stuff before you head home." _Wherever that is._ He had a million different options buzzing around in his brain like pesky but tantalising little flies. He had a choice between swatting them, or grabbing a magnifying glass and taking a closer look. He didn't know which to choose. He opened the door to the café, suddenly seeing above the door that it was called 'Palmwood's' as he did, and let Kendall walk out before him, before following him out into the street. The bell jingled behind them, calling its little chimed goodbye.  
   
"Thanks. I hope so too." Kendall slowly reached out his hand, looking to shake James'. But as James held out his hand to grasp Kendall's, the blond suddenly changed his mind and lurched forward, arms lunging around James' neck as he gave him a warm hug. He hugged back, arms around Kendall's minuscule body, afraid to squeeze too hard just in case he snapped him in half. "Bye James," he said breathlessly when he pulled back, giving him a shy smile and a wave before turning and heading off down the street, not looking back or saying another word.  
   
"Bye, Kendall!" James called after him. "See you around!"

A little wave of his hand in the air indicated that Kendall had heard him. But he didn’t turn around, and he didn’t slow down. It was only when he was out of sight that James finally moved from his spot in everyone’s way and went to grab some groceries before he went home, like he’d told Shay he would. Afterwards, he drove home in silence, too distracted to turn on the radio or any of his CDs.   
   
"I'm home!" James called, walking through the front door with his grocery bag in his arm.  
   
"Jamie!" Shay squealed in delight, running out from the living room and jumping into his arms, James holding him with his free hand as they kissed. "I missed you," Shay cooed, taking James' hand and pulling him down to the kitchen. "Did you have fun with Logan? Show me what you bought!"  
   
"Yeah, I had fun," James answered, sitting at the counter and smiling as Shay set the bag down on the counter, opening it up to take out the content. He was such a sweetheart.   
   
"Let's see," Shay said to himself as he began to unpack the bag, taking a look at the products James had bought. "Sausages, eggs . . . cheddar cheese . . . tomatoes, bananas, ketchup . . . basmati rice . . . and raspberries." With all the groceries set out on the counter, Shay folded up the paper bag and moved off towards the recycling bin, throwing the bag away before walking back and leaning his elbows on the counter, opposite to where James was sitting. "I didn't know you liked raspberries," he commented, tilting his head in a manner that resembled a confused and curious puppy. "I'd never seen them around the kitchen."  
   
"Oh." James' eyes fell on the plastic box of the pinkish red berries. "I guess I'm getting to like them again . . ."

“Oh.” Shay shrugged. “Okay. So, what do you want to do tonight?”

“Let’s watch some movies,” James suggested, finally looking up again. “There’s a pile of DVDs in the cupboard in the living room, by the window. They might be a bit dusty, I haven’t watched them in years. Can you get those?”

The next day, James met Kendall again in that same café. Kendall bought him a coffee this time, but James insisted on buying him a bagel and a smoothie, since he admitted he had a fondness for those. And they met the next day after that. And on and off they met every day for the next three weeks. It always started the same way; James searching for Kendall on the streets, before glancing through the window and scaring some other unfortunate customer as he did. Kendall would smile and laugh when he saw him, and James would walk in. Some days Kendall left earlier than others, because he still wanted to get some flower or magazine sales in before it got too dark out. And James would way goodbye and watch Kendall disappear into the crowds, like a ghost. His hands always trembled, his cheeks always flushed. His skin stayed white as snow, except for those little freckles on his nose. His hair never did get any shorter. 

James, from what he noticed, wasn’t changing either.

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

**PART III - HOLY GROUND.**

 

_For the first time I have something to lose._

 

Since Dak had upped and left him without any warning, James had felt very differently about love. He'd began to feel that all it ever really did was crash and burn, ending with pain and sorrow. Anyone who said they had a good breakup was lying. Or if they had, there'd clearly been nothing close to love there. Frankly, love sucked. It had blinded him. It was only after Dak was gone, in the months that followed, that he'd started to see all these little details that, if he'd noticed them in a close friend's relationship, he would've told them to get out while they could. Dak thought he was the funniest man alive, but had never laughed at James' jokes. Never thought he was funny; that feeling of pride he had now at making that blond laugh was more fulfilling than he remembered. Dak didn't like the music he listened to, always huffing out, "I don’t get this song," or "What the hell even is that?" every time James turned on a CD.   
   
It should've been a breath of fresh air for Dak to leave, the same way it should've been a breath of fresh air the day he lost his father who'd never really given a shit anyway. It should've been, but of course it wasn't. It was suffocating, knocking the breath out of him as though he were being punched in the stomach over and over. But right now, he had everything he could ever want. Or at least, he should have. He should've felt that way. But since that  
Wednesday, sitting at a small round table on a chair with one leg shorter than the others, something was different. And he didn't understand it.  
   
 _Why am I going back there again?_  
   
James made his way down the street, zipping his jacket up so the collar around his throat was closed, keeping his body heat in. The air was bitterly cold, making his eyes tear up and his nose run. This was not a good day for him to be out, not a day when he'd have any reason for being out. But he found that he wanted some space, from both Shay and from Carlos and Logan. Shay was so sweet, and so gorgeous, and so perfect, but so for the first time in his life he was finding perfection a little overwhelming. He just wanted to see the world outside of his newly polished life, and what better way to do that then to see Kendall again?  
   
He told himself firmly that it was nothing to do with the way Kendall blushed every time he sneezed, as though he were ashamed that anyone could see how weak and sick his life was making him. Or the way he laughed every time James said something stupid, or that intense expression in his green eyes every time James offered him any kind of help. As if he was saying _I'm nothing special, why do you help me, why don't you just leave me here to freeze, or to starve?_ He hardly knew the blond, but he could read those self-disrespecting thoughts loud and clear. Honestly, they angered hm. Whoever it was that had brought Kendall to feel this way about himself deserved to be punished, and severely too. He'd never met anyone like Kendall, and that wasn't just based off his general living situation either. He'd never met someone who made him feel so . . . Lightheaded.  
   
Not the best or most flattering description, but truly it was all he could think of.  
   
James glanced inside the window of Palmwood's, but amongst the pretty clothed tables and chairs, he didn’t see Kendall. He sighed, opening the door and walking inside. He moved towards the counter, shimmying around a stroller pushed beside one table, and over a pair of feet poking out from under another. "Hi," he greeted, stopping at the counter.   
   
The dark woman glanced up, smiling brightly in greeting and showing off her shiny white teeth. She had one of the warmest smiles he'd ever seen. "Good afternoon," she chirped. She knew him well by now, given that he'd been her most loyal customer for the last couple of weeks. "James, is it?"  
   
"Yeah, it is!" James grinned at her. "And you're . . .?"  
   
"Oh, I'm Kelly." She glanced behind him. "Where's your friend?"  
   
James frowned at her. "You haven't seen him at all?" When she shook her head, he sighed. "Oh well, I’m sure he's out there somewhere. Can I get one of those raspberry and almond muffins to go?"  
   
Walking out of Palmwood's with his snack in his pocket, he slowly moved back up the street. Why wasn't Kendall selling today? It started to concern him a little. Maybe he'd been too sick to get out of bed, or maybe he didn't have anything left to sell. Both prospects sounded terrible for him. One, Kendall couldn't make money. Two, he had nobody to take care of him if he was sick.  
   
Then he suddenly heard Kendall's voice. But as it rang out through the street, over the loud chatter of the civilians, it sounded stressed. And angry. Upset. James' heart sank and he sprinted down the street towards the source of the noise. He skidded to a stop when he saw, in one of the quietest areas of the street, just by an alley, Kendall was jostling with two men. At first he thought they were attacking him, trying to pull him out of sight and do god knows what to him, and his fists clenched with rage. How _dare_ they?  
   
But then he suddenly saw what should've been blatantly obvious; one of the men was laughing loudly and obnoxiously, his hand up high as he held a large and furry cat by the scruff of the neck. And Kendall wasn't defending himself, he was trying to reach him. But his lack of height was clearly a disadvantage to him. The cat yowled and squirmed around and tried to scratch, but the man wore long sleeves and gloves and the claws had no effect on him. "Give, him, _back!_ " Kendall huffed, sleeves falling back and showing his skinny wrists as his fists pounded against the man's chest, the other man chortling and grabbing at his hands.  
   
"Aww, what a cute little kitty!!" the man roared with laughter, swinging the distressed animal around.  
   
"Give him to me!!" Kendall shouted, voice heavy with stress. He struggled and screamed and tried to kick out, but this was a fight he'd never win. At least, not without help.  
   
James stormed over, seething, and punched the man holding Kendall back square in the jaw. Kendall squeaked in surprise, jumping back and gaping at him. _"James?"_  
   
"Why don't you just back off?" James snarled at the two idiots. "Leave him alone, right? He's got enough to worry about already."  
   
The man holding the cat glared at him, teeth gritted. "We were just playing around," he muttered at last, lowering his hand and dropping the cat on the ground. James was panicked for a second, but he then remembered that cats always landed on their feet.  
   
"Well, you've had your fun. Now fuck off."  
   
Kendall was just staring at James in amazement as the two men wandered off. "You . . . wow." He gave a dazed smile. "Thank you."  
   
"Oh, it was nothing," James replied quickly, beaming and pretending that his knuckles weren't killing him right now. "I was looking for you, so . . . I found you!"  
   
Kendall chuckled. "Yeah, you did."  
   
James smiled shyly, biting his lip. So, um . . . is that your cat?"  
   
"Oh, yeah. This is Merlin," Kendall announced, beaming proudly down at the cat sitting by his feet. "Isn't he cute?"  
   
James nodded quickly, staring down apprehensively at the ball of fur. Merlin was _not_ cute. He was big, with thick and ragged grey fur and large white paws. He looked up at James with equal disdain, one of his eyes scrunched shut, the other glowing an unearthly yellow colour, his pupil just a tiny slit. He opened his mouth and James saw the rows of pointy teeth, as he let out a low and throaty meow. Kendall reached down and picked him up, cuddling the large animal in his arms. Instantly he transformed from a rough alley cat to a sweet kitten, purring and rubbing his face against Kendall's chin. Kendall kissed him on the head, scratching behind his ears. "I found this little guy trying to fight off a dog in the alley by my place. He had an injured leg so I figured I'd help him out, and after that he just wouldn't leave. He's my family now, I guess. He’s been living with me for months."  
   
"And did he have two eyes when you found him?" James couldn't help asking, prodding him teasingly but keeping his distance away from Merlin. Who was now glaring at him as if to say _Back off from my human._ He'd never felt so ridiculed by anyone. Or anything.  
   
"Nope. He was in pretty bad shape, so I did what I could." Kendall grinned lovingly at the cat in his arms. "I saved up for a few weeks to take him to the vet and everything. I had to get him fixed; his hormones were causing all kinds of trouble."  
   
"No wonder he's so grumpy." _You're just jealous because I still have my balls. Stupid cat.  
_    
But when Kendall giggled and James' heart fluttered, he wondered. Did he really?  
   
"Do you bring him out here often? I guess he'd attract attention, right?"  
   
Kendall nodded. "Cat people always stop and buy something if they notice him. He's pretty hard to miss, though. I do great business every time he decides to tag along with me."  
   
 _Probably because they're scared he'll nip at their ankles._ But Kendall had been so desperate to save the animal. It was an ugly thing, but if it meant that much to him . . .  
   
"You never mentioned him to me before."  
   
"Well, I haven't brought him out in a good while. He had a bad cold and I didn't want him getting any worse. I also hate talking about him when he's sick, so . . . anyway, like I said, he usually helps with business. Except for today," Kendall sighed. "Not just because of those morons; I dunno what the problem is. I think I'm just gonna head home."  
   
 ** _No,_** _you just got here!_ "Let me walk you there," James offered. "In case, you know, you run into any more trouble."  
   
"Oh. You don't have to . . ." Kendall's cheeks flushed. "But I'll take the offer," he said, grinning. "Thanks. Come on."  
   
They walked down the street together, Merlin still cuddled up in Kendall's arms. Every now and then when James stole a glance at the blond, he'd see that yellow eye glaring up at him, judging him. He looked away again uncomfortably every time. "So," he said at last nervously, "What's your place like?"  
   
"Small. But I like it. We're almost there now." Kendall hoisted Merlin up higher in his arms as he spoke. "I don't own it but they pretty much let you do what you want with it, it's so shitty to start off with." He suddenly pointed at the tattered apartment block they were passing, paint peeling off the walls. "This is it."  
   
"Then why aren't we stopping?" James asked, confused as Kendall kept walking and turned off into the alley beside it.  
   
"I live on the top floor," Kendall told him briefly, before placing Merlin on his shoulder, hopping up on the fire escape stairs and walking up. James stared up at him for a second or two, totally bemused. Still, this was probably faster than going through the door. He shrugged and walked up after him, stopping and watching Kendall open the top window and place Merlin on the windowsill. Merlin hopped inside and Kendall jumped inside after him. "Do you want a hand?" Kendall asked, leaning out the window towards him suddenly. James squeaked with surprise when Kendall's face came within an inch of his. His cheeks turned red. "Well, do you?" Kendall asked, smiling as if this close position didn't bother him in the slightest.  
   
"Um, n-no. I can do it." And he hoisted himself inside, straightening up and looking at the apartment. He winced, squinting up his eyes.   
   
Kendall burst into laughter when he saw him. "Sorry, I know it's a bit much at first glance. You should see it first thing in the morning."  
   
James thought about waking up here in the morning and decided to pay more attention to the gigantic rainbow he was looking at. He could tell that this place had been dull to start off with. The sodden floor was worn and dirty, though he could see Kendall did his best to keep it clean. The whole thing was just one room, the kitchen in the corner, the couch and coffee table and small TV near where he was, and to his left, there was a bed and a chest of drawers. There were books and magazines and other little things strewn all over the table, and he could see two doors that must've been the bathroom and the door to the hallway. The walls had been painted with aerosol cans, he suspected. They were splashed with every colour imaginable, bright and dazzling to his eyes. It was like an explosion of a paint factory. It looked fantastic, and made him wish he had a room in his big (and boring by comparison) house that was like this. Still, all these clashing colours and patterns might give poor Logan a heart attack every time he visited. They weren't exactly for the faint-hearted.  
   
"What do you think?" Kendall asked in a small voice. If James didn't know any better, he would say Kendall was worried about his opinion of his home place.  
   
"It's amazing," James told him, still looking around in completely amazement. "Did you do all this?"  
   
"Yeah, one job I had for a while was working in the garage down the street, helping them with paint jobs and switching wheels and stuff. They always gave me the leftovers. I bought the rest of it with some savings so I could brighten the place up."  
   
"I love it. So, are you an artistic type?"  
   
"No, not really. It was just a bit of fun. I hated the way it used to look."  
   
James suddenly spotted something in the corner of the flat. He walked over and picked it up. It was a dusty guitar; a broken one. Really broken. "You play guitar?"  
   
"Yeah," Kendall sighed. "Well, I did. It was my way of making money. Until I had to leave my post for five seconds to grab my hat and someone decided to step on it."  
   
James winced as he looked at the poor broken instrument. "I'm sorry to hear that. You know, I've got some instruments at home—"  
   
Kendall shook his head quickly. "I wouldn't take one from you. I'm okay as it is." He walked towards the kitchen. "Do you want anything to eat? I think I've got some microwave soup here . . ."  
   
"No, I'm fine," James said quickly. He didn't want to say that he should keep what food he had. He thought that might be a bit insulting. "I already ate." Then he suddenly remembered. "Oh! I got you something." He took the paper bag from his jacket pocket and walked over to Kendall, pressing it into his hands. "It might be a bit squished."  
   
Kendall opened the bag, taking out the muffin. "James!" His cheeks flushed as he beamed at him. "You need to stop buying me stuff."  
   
"Oh, don't you want it?” James reached out teasingly to take it back.  
   
Kendall just glared at him. But he broke a bit off and held it up. "Come on, open up."  
   
James opened his mouth and let Kendall feed him a piece, before eating the rest himself and sitting on the couch. James sat with him, pretending that it didn't creak under him and that he wasn't afraid it'd just give way completely. Instead he thought of the way Kendall's eyes had lit up when he saw him coming to the rescue, and when he gave him the muffin. He saw Kendall stand up when he was finished and throw the wrapper away, before going to close the window and taking off his jacket, scarf and beanie, tossing them onto the bed. The plaid shirt he was wearing underneath hung off him, stained with some splashes of neon paint that would never come off. His jeans were worn and ripped at the knees. James thought about taking his jacket off too, but decided it might be better not to look like he was just settling in for the evening.  
   
"Aren't you going to take your jacket off?" Kendall frowned. "It's not too cold in here, is it?"  
   
"No, not at all." So he did, leaving it draped over the back of the couch.  
   
"So," Kendall said happily, throwing himself back down on the couch next to James. "Tell me. What's your place like?"  
   
"Oh." James thought about it for a moment. He didn't want to sound like he was bragging, that was the last thing he wanted Kendall to see him as. "It's pretty big, I guess. It was my parents' house and I moved back in there when I was eighteen."  
   
Kendall frowned in confusion. "What about before then?"  
   
James bit his lip. "Well, my mom died when I was six . . ."  
   
"I'm sorry," Kendall said quietly, reaching out to take his hand. James squeezed it gently, glad of the comfort as he continued. "And my dad ran off on me when I was eight. I think the grief of losing my mom was too much for him, and in reality he'd never had much interest in me. But my mom was CEO of this huge cosmetics company and left all her money to me when she died. And when my dad ran off, I guess he wanted to leave some kind of compensation and left a large sum for me too; he was manager of a bank. My foster parents were great and everything, but I never really forgot about him or my mom. I wasn't allowed have my parents' money or house until I was eighteen, obviously. So . . . I'm rich but I'm alone. Yup."  
   
Kendall smiled sadly at him, holding his hand in both of his. James' hands were so big, Kendall's small slim ones fit perfectly with it. "That must've been difficult." He added with a quick afterthought, "The alone part, not the rich part. I bet being rich is awesome."  
   
James chuckled, nodding. "Yeah, it's pretty great. During the summer I work as a water sports instructor for kids when they hold summer camps at the lake. Then the rest of the year, I just . . . don't."  
   
"Must be nice," Kendall said, sighing wistfully.  
   
James just nodded in agreement, unable to think of anything else to say. He wondered if he should say something to make Kendall feel better about financial position, but then he began to think that Kendall really didn't care much. He seemed to be more into the simple things of life.   
   
Merlin suddenly hopped up on Kendall's lap, purring and rubbing against his arm so he could be petted. Kendall obeyed him immediately, scratching behind his ears and smiling down at him, the exact same way a mother would smile while feeding their baby. He couldn't help marvelling over how sweet it was.  
   
Until Merlin stretched out and sank his claws into his clothed thigh.  
   
" _Argh!_ " James yelped, scooting away quickly and holding his leg.  
   
"Sorry!" Kendall picked Merlin up and put him on the floor. "He didn't mean to do it, they just do that when they stretch."  
   
"It's fine," James squeaked, holding his thigh. "I'm sure I'll recover."  
   
Kendall giggled. "The face you're making is just priceless. Now, tell me more about you. What are your hobbies when you’re not working? I didn’t realise you don’t have a yearlong job."  
   
"I like to read, guess. And watch movies. I love movies." He thought about it a little more. "When I was in high school, I played on the basketball team because I was tall and fast, and I just loved the sport. I was also in the choir because I've always been into singing. What about you?"  
   
"When I was in school, I played ice hockey for a while. It's been my favourite sport since I was a kid, I've always been an avid Minnesota Wild supporter. I think I still have my jersey, and it fits me okay. I haven't grown since I was about fifteen, which sucks . . . but I've coped. I was top of my music class in school, but honestly it's because I loved it and all my classmates were only in it because it had so much more practical work than other subjects. My teacher, Mr Rocque, he always said he thought I'd make a great performer. I had the fire, he said." Kendall smiled wistfully. "Only, that never happened, I guess . . . I’d hate to meet him now."  
   
James couldn't bear to see Kendall unhappy. So he reached out and tilted the blond's chin up so he was looking him in the eye. He realised that probably wasn't wise and his cheeks flushed, but he managed to hold his ground. "I think he would still be proud of you," he replied. "I honestly do."  
   
"Thanks," Kendall said, smiling and not minding at all that James's hand was still practically cupping his cheek. "I'd like to think he would be, guess." Then Kendall suddenly jumped to his feet, looking out the window. "Hey, wanna see something cool?"  
   
"Sure . . .?" His hand feeling oddly empty, James stood up too, watching Kendall picked up a folded blanket from the kitchen table and hold it under his arm.  
   
"Follow me," Kendall said, walking to the window and opening it up. "Merlin, stay!" he called over his shoulder, before hopping back out onto the fire escape. James looked over and saw Merlin, with a scowl on his furry face, jumping up onto the bed and curling up, content in doing as he was told. It was extraordinary. When James walked out after Kendall, Kendall closed the window before climbing onto a ladder beside it, and climbing up the few rungs to the roof. James gulped and climbed up after him, afraid to go too fast in case he slipped and fell. It was a long way down to the ground below. He heaved himself up onto the concrete roof, seeing Kendall sitting at the edge with his feet dangling over it like he was just sitting on a wall a few feet high. He looked around at James, obviously waiting for him to go and sit beside him. So he did, promising himself that he wouldn't look down.  
   
"What exactly are we looking at?" James asked, eyeing the blanket in Kendall's lap.  
   
"The sun setting. It looks fantastic from here." Kendall pointed to some taller buildings in the distance. "Just watch over there."  
   
"Okay . . ." James did as he asked, keeping an eye on the buildings, the glint off the steel and glass shining in his eyes and causing him to squint. He felt a slight chill run throughout his body and shivered a little. Then he felt Kendall's arms around him, and his heart sped up. Until he felt one end of the blanket being tucked into is hand, and Kendall's arms were gone. But they were cuddled under the blanket together to stay warm, and that was good enough for him. He glanced up at the sky, noticing how it had darkened to a purplish red, where the buildings couldn't reach any higher. He glanced back down when he suddenly felt the heat of the sun shining harder on his face. He looked back at the buildings, eyes widening. "Oh . . ."  
   
The dazzling yellow sunlight was slowly filtering through the buildings as the sun began to set. The glass was blinding him, sparkling in a way that left him dazed, and mystified. Behind the buildings, the sky glowed a warm and deep red, and when James looked up the highest he could, he caught glimpse of a star. Just one, shining in the dark blue sky, like a touch of glitter on a black tablecloth. He glanced to the side at Kendall, who was watching the buildings with a different expression. Like this was the life he lived, the air he breathed was from the top of these buildings as he watched nightfall turn this cold jungle of concrete and steel into something spectacular and magical. Not many people saw this, and he knew it. It was his, but he'd shared it with James anyway. The light from the sun cast a warm glow over his hair and face, like a fire. Then Kendall glanced up at him, sensing his gaze. His eyes glowed yellow, like Merlin's. But his pupils were larger, his gaze more open, his smile warm. "It's amazing, right?" he said softly, his hand on the stone beneath them, right where James' was. James could feel Kendall's little finger just brushing off his.  
   
"Yeah," James relied just as quietly, tearing his eyes away painfully and looking at where the sun had descended lower, leaving the top storeys of the buildings in a cold but mysterious darkness. "It's amazing."  
   
And at that moment, he could think of nowhere else he would rather be.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

"Okay, your turn." Kendall's hand gripped his end of the frayed blanket, gaze alternating between the just visible stars above the tallest surrounding buildings, and James, who sat next to him holding the other end of the blanket around his shoulders. The brunet's breath puffed out in a little white cloud as he thought to himself before asking, "Favourite colour."  
   
"Um . . . I think blue." Kendall bit his lip as he thought of his next question. "Your favourite song?"  
   
"Oh, that's a tough one," James chuckled, nudging him in the side. "I think it might be 'I knew you were trouble'."  
   
Kendall laughed, teeth bright against the darkness around his pale face. Even in this low light, his eyes still shone strongly. "Taylor Swift? Is this because of all your bad breakups?"  
   
"She helps me cope with them," James replied stubbornly. He’d had enough boyfriends, friends or just strangers mock his music taste to last him a lifetime. "Plus, have you _seen_ her? I mean, I'm gay but _damn_."  
   
"Yeah, I guess I see your point." Kendall gave him a teasing smirk. "She is very pretty. Back before I moved in with Beau I did listen a little, I think most people probably did. They’ll just save that secret for the grave. Though honestly, I pictured you as more of a Justin Bieber kind of guy."  
   
"Because of my bewitching good looks? Yeah, I get that a lot," James teased, prodding him in the side. Kendall's laughter made his heart jump strangely, and he found his voice shook a little as he said, "I've got another one. What's your favourite movie moment?"  
   
Kendall bit his lip, looking up at the sky before turning and shaking his head at James, cheeks flushing as he bit into his bottom lip. Being embarrassed about what they loved seemed to be something they had in common. "You're going to think it's super cheesy."  
   
"I like cheesy. Go on, tell me." He lowered his voice suggestively. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."  
   
Kendall sniggered. Then, to James' surprise, he rested his head on his shoulder and gave a contented sigh. There was a hesitance in this movement, that even though at first it seemed very forward, James could tell he must’ve been considering it for some time. Strange that anyone would ever give him that much thought. "Okay. The end of _The Breakfast Club_. It's my favourite movie and my favourite moment."  
   
"Why?"  
   
"I don't know . . . the song just gets me, for one thing. I always had the biggest crush on John Bender. I’m a fan of anything from the ‘80s. And I guess the whole movie feels so real and it all just ties together at the end." Kendall shrugged. "It's silly, really."  
   
"So what were you in high school?" James asked curiously. "A brain, an athlete?" He gave a sly smile. "A princess?"  
   
"No, idiot." Kendall rolled his eyes, looking up at him. Then he gave a shy smile and said, "I think you're crazy to make me write an essay telling me who you think I am. You see me as you want to see me, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions, but what I found out is that I am simply a basket case." He paused, giving a small giggle. “Personally, while I love the idea of being a bit of everything, I’m not sure I am. I’ve never been anything remotely close to a princess. Not much of a brain either.”  
   
"Not a criminal?"  
   
"Not yet, anyway." Kendall snuggled closer into James' warmth and shut his eyes. James sat there, pondering and frittering away on what to do and what not to do. At last, he reached carefully around Kendall's thin body and gripped his end of the blanket, wrapping the blond up in his arms and keeping them sheltered all at once. "Are you warmer now?" he asked. "We can go back inside . . ."  
   
"I'm okay. I like it out here," Kendall insisted, free arms draping loosely around James' waist. "Unless you've got somewhere to be."  
   
"I probably can't stay much longer . . ." James' thumb gently stroked Kendall's shoulder. "Shay will be waiting for me, I guess." He winced. _Crap._  
   
Kendall suddenly jolted away from him, eyes wide. "Shay, y-yeah. Of course." He cleared his throat, scooting back on the roof and standing up, taking the blanket with him and folding it up in his arms. James stared mindlessly up at him, wondering that the hell was going on until Kendall quickly said, "Well, aren't you going to come down?" before sticking the folded blanket under his arm and beginning to climb down the ladder.   
   
"Right . . . yeah, I was just . . ." He gave up, sighing and making his way towards the ladder. Why was it he always had to say things without thinking?   
   
His foot slipped on a rung and he counted it as the millionth stupid thing he'd done in his lifetime.  
   
As he swung back through the window, he saw Kendall putting the blanket down and busying himself around the apartment, moving things and tidying things that didn't need to be tidied, jaw slightly clenched. James just stood there and watched, wanting to help but fearing, and knowing, it would only make things worse. At last Kendall straightened up and looked at him, swallowing before saying in a small voice, "Are you going to go?"  
   
"Y-yeah, sorry . . ." James turned towards the door, but then faltered in his step. "You know, I think I'll just go down the fire escape. I need a bit more adventure in my life."  
   
Kendall snorted. "Climbing down a metal flight of stairs instead of a stone one isn't much of a step to intrepid adventuring." But he looked a little perked up, so James just winked at him, put on his jacket and swung out of the window, standing on the little platform outside and turning to head down the steps. "I'll see you around, basket case."  
   
"Wait!"  
   
James turned and glanced through the window, eyes widening at how close their faces were. Kendall was leaning out of the window, elbows resting on the windowsill. Their eyes locked and his lip quivered slightly. "I . . ." His cheeks flushed and words stumbled out, "You never told me your favourite movie moment."  
   
"Oh, you're right." James rested an arm on the windowsill, hand so subtlety resting over Kendall's. The blond gave it a squeeze, gripping it surprisingly tightly, what with his fragile body type that still reminded him of expensive stained glass windows. "It's every bit as cheesy as yours, honestly. But aren't they all?"  
   
Kendall nodded, asking quietly, "Are you going to tell me or not?"  
   
"It's the scene from _Shrek_ , where they play Hallelujah. You know the one?"  
   
"I know it. Sad scene, nice music." Kendall grinned at him. "So, that's your movie? Shrek?"  
   
"It's romantic, okay!!"

“You’re gonna have to give me more reason than that.”

“It’s the only movie I’ve ever seen where the gross but hilarious and sarcastic guy actually found a girl as gross and funny and sarcastic as he is?” James tried.  
   
"Right, okay." Kendall chuckled. "I guess it's got a nice message. Though I'll never figure out how Donkey and Dragon got together."  
   
"Well, you know . . ." James shrugged. "Sometimes there are really weird combinations put together, like two people who could never normally be together . . . but it happens anyway."  
   
Kendall nodded in agreement, eyes staring James down, wide and searching. James swallowed and stared back, until Kendall's gaze dropped and he murmured, "Goodnight."  
   
James moved his hand away, suddenly noticing how cold it felt. "I . . ." He clamped his mouth shut tightly and at last managed to reply, "Goodnight." before hurrying down the fire escape stairs and down to the concrete ground below. As he headed away from the steps, he glanced back over his shoulder to see that Kendall was still standing at the windowsill, watching him. James looked up at him, and even though it was dark he hoped Kendall could see that he was sorry and that he wondered if he was forgiven. But then Kendall smiled, face lit up from the light in the apartment, and James grinned back, knowing now that he was. Kendall waved to him, before stepping back and shutting the window, closing the curtains and cutting off the light from the alley. The closest source of light now was from the street lights back out in the rest of the world, where people still went about their business like everything was normal. James moved out to join them, headed off to where he'd parked the car, and drove home.   
   
He went to bed with Shay. He imagined the plain blue walls around him, dark grey as he looked at them now, swirling with blinding colours that clashed and collided in splats and streaks, dripping down onto the furniture and the carpet, hardening and staining it and staying there forever. As he tore his eyes away and stared up at the ceiling, he saw stars that stayed even when he closed his eyes, twinkling behind his eyelids and swirling occasionally. He had that Simple Minds hit stuck in his head, resisting the urge to hum along to it as he tried to get to sleep.

_Don’t you forget about me . . ._

_Shut up, James. Go to sleep._

_“I am simply a basket case.”_

_Will you stand above me? Look my way, never love me . . ._

_I want to be with him. No I don’t. **Go to sleep**._

_Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling . . ._

_“Goodnight, basket case.”_

_Down, down, down . . ._

_I’m in **deep shit.**_

 

* * *

 

Stumbling blindly through the streets had become a habit of his. A somewhat embarrassing one, but like all habits, he had his justified reasons and didn’t need to explain them to anyone. If he wanted to bite his nails down to nothing, he would. If he wanted to say ‘sorry’ an inappropriate amount of times or chew a pack of gum a day, he could do so. If he wanted to search until he located a basket case with green eyes and freckles and a smile he saw every time he got lost in his thoughts, then fuck it, he would. And he’d enjoy it too.

  
James then finally spotted Kendall, standing among the throngs of people hurrying past on the street, obviously with better places to be and more important things to do. It was funny, how long it always took to spot him. Then when he did it was as sudden as a slap in the face. Kendall stood there holding a bouquet of sunflowers in his hand. He held a separate one in his other hand, offering it to strangers as they passed by. James had to suppress a laugh when he saw Merlin draped across Kendall's shoulders, in full view of all the potential customers. One man stopped to smile fondly at him, gently tickling the cat underneath his furry chin. The animal played it up and looked like he was having the time of his life. The man bought a flower and moved on, looking over his shoulder and grinning at that little thing that had brightened up his whole morning. It was sweet.  
   
As James walked closer, he saw a little girl walking in his direction, holding her mother's hand and a cookie in her other hand. Her little pink parka jacket and her hat atop her curly dark hair, in James' opinion, made her look a little like a marshmallow. But she was probably very cosy, which was important. She squealed when she looked up and saw Merlin atop Kendall's shoulders, like a trusty sidekick from many of the movies she'd probably watched.  
   
"A kitty!" she shrieked, letting go of her mother's hand and pointing up at Merlin, jumping up and down. Her mom clearly looked displeased that her daughter was taking an interest in such a straggly pair, but Kendall just beamed at the girl and knelt down on the ground, the girl immediately going to stroke Merlin now that he was in reach. "He's soooo sweet! What's his name?!"  
   
 _Oh sweetie_. James rolled his eyes, wincing slightly as he remembered the pain caused to his thigh and to his self-confidence, thanks to a damn cat. _If you only knew._ James watched as Kendall told the girl all about Merlin and his habits and personality and his story, a proud smile on his face that was really just one of the cutest things James had ever seen. It made him wish he had a pet. Often, he could never really think of why he didn't have one. He probably wasn't responsible enough for it. And he knew he'd always have that fear of the complete devastation when it died or ran away, because either one would happen eventually. It was hard enough when his boyfriends ditched him.  
   
"Mommy," the girl said excitedly. "Can we buy a flower off the cat man?"  
   
"Camille, sweetie, we need to be getting home," the mother began, looking away as though this act of selfishness greatly distressed her. How awkward the poor woman must feel. James scowled.  
   
" _Pleaaaaasseeeee_ ," Camille begged, tugging on her hand. "He has to feed his kitty or he'll _die!!_ " James had never been a fan of little kids. Sure, working with them was okay but he always feared setting them off. They were like ticking bombs, and he had no idea what to do when they got upset. However, what he did love about them was their innocent acceptance of the world around them and their dramatic take on anything and everything they came across.  
   
She gave an impatient sigh. "Oh, alright." She turned to Kendall, her mouth stiff as she dug around in her handbag. "How much?"  
   
"$3," Kendall told her, and James had a feeling that he was trying his very best to be polite and pleasant towards her, smiling warmly as if her attitude didn't offend him in the slightest. Still, maybe it didn't. He really wasn't the kind of person who got easily upset by what people said or did around him. Except for when James did stupid things. And then he just didn’t show what he was feeling, unlike Shay who made it as obvious as possible. The woman handed the money over, jaw clenched. "Thank you!" Kendall chirped, but looked down at Camille instead of her mother. He bent down and handed her the large sunflower. "Now, this isn't a real flower so you don't need to water it. But you still need to take care of it, okay?"  
   
"Okay," Camille nodded solemnly, holding the flower close to her chest. "Bye Merlin!" She awkwardly patted the cat's head before her mother put an arm around her and tried to usher her on. However, before she could, Camille suddenly darted back and pushed something into Kendall's hand. James tried to look closer and see what it was, smiling to himself when he saw that it was her big cookie. Then she ran off after her mother, holding her sunflower like precious treasure. As soon as they passed him, James hurried over to Kendall, who was staring at the cookie the little girl had given him.  
   
Kendall looked up and saw James. "She gave me her big cookie," he said numbly, holding it up. "How sweet is that? And she called me the cat man!!" He broke the cookie in half and shoved one half into James' hand before he could say anything. He used his free hand to stroke Merlin under the chin, smiling fondly at hm. "Good boy!"  
   
"So." James looked at the bouquet of sunflowers Kendall held in his hand. His favourite flowers had always been tulips, or roses. Especially white ones. But he had to admit, there was something so warm and comforting about sunflowers. "Can I buy one of those? The rose you gave me died out long ago, at least that one will last."  
   
"Sure!" Kendall held one out to him, waving the bright yellow petals at his face. "$3. I think you can afford it, rich boy."  
   
"Rich boy," James mumbled begrudgingly, taking out the money and handing it over. "Am I supposed to be offended by that?"  
   
"Depends how you take it," Kendall replied breezily, handing over a sunflower. He put his money away in his bag, smiling sweetly. "I'm pretty busy today with my sales, I'm afraid. I was looking forward to us hanging out but I've got a cleaning job to do today too, so I just don't have the time."  
   
James stopped looking at his sunflower and glanced at Kendall again, frowning. "A cleaning job?"  
   
Kendall nodded, swinging the flowers back and forth in his hand. "I've got a flyer up in the grocery store around the corner with my building's phone number; the doorman lets me know if I've got a call since I don't have my own phone. I got one last night, so I've gotta go there in a couple of hours."  
   
"Oh." James' face fell. "Okay. I guess that's fair enough. Work first, play later."  
   
Kendall giggled. "Yeah, it's too bad." He shrugged, turning to a passer-by who seemed interested in the sunflowers. Once they'd made their purchase and moved on, Kendall turned back to James with a hopeful expression in his pretty green eyes. "But maybe we can hang out tomorrow?"  
   
"Yeah, of course!" James said quickly. "I'd say I'll call you, but, well . . ."  
   
"No phone, yeah." Kendall waved to him, smiling while Merlin glared daggers from his shoulder. "See you soon."  
   
As James turned the corner and Kendall disappeared from view, he spotted two things one after the other. One was his car, parked safely in its space right where he'd left it what felt like only three seconds before. The second thing he saw was the grocery store Kendall had mentioned. He took a step forward, veering slightly towards the automatic doors. Then he stepped back. No, it would be too weird, too forward. Kendall would just give him a weird look and think he was a stalker.  
   
On the other hand . . . and he stepped to his left again. He was already going out of his way to meet Kendall any day that he could, wandering up and down the street and pressing this face up against glass to find him. That was pretty stalkerish already; maybe this wouldn't be anything strange. Plus, he was sure there was something in his house that urgently needed cleaning. And he loved helping Kendall financially in any way that he could. And he enjoyed spending time with him, so really this could be a positive situation for both of them, for different reasons. He made up his mind and walked into the grocery store, going straight to the board by the door and searching for Kendall's flyer. After a moment or two he found it half hidden behind a dog walking ad. He took out his phone and typed in the number. At least even if he chickened out later on, he'd have the number in case he changed his mind.  
   
He headed home then, walking through the door and expecting to see Shay jump out of some corner and leap into his arms gleefully. However, instead he heard laughing and voices chattering loudly coming from the kitchen. Frowning to himself, puzzled, he walked down the hallway and into the kitchen, only to see Carlos, Logan and Shay sitting at the kitchen table, a bowl of popcorn in the middle and cans of diet coke in their hands. "Jamie!" Shay greeted, hopping up and kissing him, before pulling him over to sit down. Only he pushed James down where he'd previously been sitting, and happily sat down on his lap, arm around his shoulders. "Where've you been? Carlos and Logan came to see you so I let them in."  
   
"Yeah, sorry." James grinned at Carlos and Logan. "Nice to see you guys. You didn't tell me you were calling over."  
   
"We figured we’d surprise you," Carlos replied, shrugging. "Only you weren't here to surprise. So where've you been? Shay said you've been a bit distant and distracted recently."  
   
"It's true, Jamie,” Shay said in a small innocent voice. "You have."  
   
James felt guilty then for hiding this from his friends and his boyfriend. Though he had a feeling it wasn't exactly something his boyfriend would love to hear. "Well, I was hanging out with a friend." James looked at Shay, keeping his tone casual and carefree. "You know, you met him a few weeks ago. He was selling roses, I bought one off him."  
   
"Is that where you got the sunflower too?" Shay asked darkly, pointing to where James had set it down on the table. He looked as though he wanted to pick it up and rip it to shreds before burning it and dancing on the ashes.  
   
James nodded, swallowing uncomfortably. He quickly turned to Carlos and Logan. "His financial position isn't the best. But, but it's really interesting! He modelled for the ACC to make some money, and his face is the one I chose when I got Shay. I had no idea how they were made."  
   
"Neither did I," Logan replied, seeming genuinely interested in discussing this topic because that was just the kind of person that he was. Always open to new ideas and new learning. "So, what's his name?"  
   
"Kendall Knight," James replied instantly. "He's nineteen." He had no trouble remembering that. He could recite it in his sleep. “Almost twenty,” as though he needed to clarify this and justify his actions.  
   
"Kendall?" Carlos sniggered. "Are you serious?"  
   
"Yeah," James said slowly, frowning. "Why is that funny?" Then he spotted Shay frowning at him, and he got the joke. He chuckled, though he felt slightly uncomfortable. A funny coincidence, indeed. Though not everyone in the room seemed amused by it. "Um, anyway," James began again. "I'm thinking of inviting him over tomorrow."  
   
"But why?!" Shay demanded, outraged. "We don't need him here!"  
   
"Babe," James said patiently, smiling sweetly. "He does cleaning jobs to earn money." Inspiration suddenly hit him and he added, "I need the stove cleaned, the stains on it are ancient and I need to get rid of them. It's no big deal, I promise."  
   
Shay sighed, nodding slowly and pouting. "Okay. I guess that’s alright. But I don't really wanna hang out with him . . ."  
   
"Maybe I can give you a book to read," James suggested. "Some books that I like."  
   
He knew that would win Shay over, and he was right. The blond smiled and nodded more enthusiastically. "Okay! I'll enjoy that."

“Good!” James, now relieved that everything had gone well, was able to relax and enjoy the rest of the day with the three of them. However, it seemed that adding that number into his phone had tripled it in weight. He could almost feel it dragging the left side of his jeans down his hips with the weight of it. Any time he would be blessed enough for it to leave his mind, he would suddenly feel that spiteful little gadget burning against this thigh. And back he would go again to his panicking and fretting over what he would say if Kendall were to come over here. If he even had the guts to call in the first place.

The second he could, James made an excuse to go to the bathroom and ran off upstairs into his bedroom. He had a bathroom attached, so really it wasn’t a total lie. He sat on his bed and stared at the phone, as it sat and stared right back at him. It was hard to believe that such a tiny thing could change a lot for his and Kendall’s relationship. Their relationship . . .

What was their relationship?  
   
James picked up his phone, going through his contacts until he found the contact titled _Kendall_ _cleaning_. He hoped that maybe at some point, he'd be able to have a contact in here with just the blond's name. But for that to happen, he would have to know him long enough for him to get a phone . . . he wondered how long that would be. Before he contemplated that anymore, he was pressing the dial button and holding the phone up to his ear, heart pounding against his chest. " _Oakley House_ ," sounded a bored voice on the other end. _Oh god, this is really happening. Okay, don't panic. Don't panic!!  
_    
"U-um," James began nervously. "I called to book a cleaning job, for Kendall Knight? It s-said in his flyer to call this building . . ."  
   
" _Time and place?_ " The man on the other end said, sounding as though he'd done this a million times before. James wondered if maybe he had. “ _And what needs cleaning?_ ”  
   
"Mayfield, Number 16," James replied with slightly more confidence. "My stove needs to be cleaned. At about 2:00pm, is that okay?"  
   
"I'll let him know," the man replied curtly, before ending the call and leaving James with the dial tone. He sat back in his chair, taking a deep breath and letting it out. Well, he’d survived that. But now the thought of Kendall being here with him sent trembles through his body, from the tips of his ears down to his toes. He wondered if Kendall would think he was too snooty. Or if he’d admire him. Whatever it was he thought, as long as he got to see that smile and the spark in those eyes, he would be content. 

But nobody needed to know that.

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

**PART IV - I HATE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME.**

 

_I'm in pieces, you complete me._

 

James was pacing. Back and forth, back and forth, feet tapping off the kitchen tiles in a steady rhythm that seemed to have gone on for hours. Shay had gone upstairs to reads the books that James had given him about fifteen minutes ago, pecking James on the cheek and adding a cheeky little slap to his ass for good measure. It was almost 2pm. He wondered what Kendall would be wearing today. Though why did he even bother, it was always more or less the same. He wished he could calm himself down, but the extra large cup of coffee he’d drunk that morning didn’t help. And the only reason he’d even done that was so he would seem more awake, and Kendall wouldn’t think he was a spoilt and lazy rich boy. He was hungry too. _God dammit—_

Doorbell. _He’s **early!!!**_

Involuntarily letting out the least masculine squeak he’d ever heard in his life, James mentally kicked himself in the shin and hurried towards the front door. Glancing through the peephole, his heart quickened when he saw him. From this angle Kendall’s large distorted face was frowning slightly, tote bag over his shoulder, his shaggy mop of hair, beanie and striped scarf in place as always. But no Merlin, which James wasn’t surprised about. He was, however, very very relieved.

He quickly opened the door, standing there and giving an awkward smile and wave. Kendall’s jaw dropped, eyes widening. “ _James?!_ ”

“Hello there,” James murmured weakly, waving his hand around floppily and quickly shoving it behind his back.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you live here!” Kendall was awestruck, looking up at the house. “It’s amazing!”

“Oh, it’s . . .” James tried to wave him off, but his hand wasn’t being very obedient at the moment. Nor was his tongue. “N-nothing, really.”

“Well, you would say that. You’re used to it.” Kendall glanced back at him, starting to smirk. “So, you called me in urgent need of some cleaning? Wow, what a coincidence, huh?”

“Oh, you bet it is.” Laughing too loudly and clenching his jaw afterward, James stepped back and gave Kendall room to enter the house. “Come inside.”

Kendall walked in, looking around the hallway in amazement and smiling wide. “It’s gorgeous.”

“It’s just a house. Here, hang your clothes up over here.” James’s cheeks flushed. _Coat, James, **coat!!**_

Kendall slung his scarf up on one of the hooks, putting his coat on top of it and stuffing his beanie into the pocket. “So, I’d ask you to show me around, but frankly I don’t think your twink would appreciate it, and I’ll probably get lost somewhere when your back is turned. This place is gigantic.”

“Would you stop with all the compliments!” James pleaded as they both headed towards the kitchen. “It’s not that fantastic!”

Kendall stepped into the kitchen and looked around, eyes wide and mouth gaping. “Oh really? This kitchen is almost as big as my whole apartment. Screw that, It _is_. Minus the bathroom.”

“Now I feel kind of bad,” James replied, sighing and folding his arms. “I’m here making— well, sometimes – my meals in here, while you’re sleeping in this corner.” He pointed. “Making dinner in this one, and chilling with Merlin the dark wizard from the inner circle of Hell in that one.”

Kendall laughed, prodding his shoulder. “Merlin is not from Hell, he’s a sweetheart!”

“Mhm, yup,” James nodded, keeping his tone as deadpan and his expression as blank as possible. “You’re right. He’s a total calendar kitten, the cutest I’ve ever laid eyes on with an angelic personality to match.”

“Okay, less of the sarcasm, thank you.” Kendall poked him again, grinning. “Well, I love him anyway. My love for him is unconditional.”

“I hope you two are very happy together. Send me pictures from the honeymoon!”

“You bet your filthy rich ass I will. Now,” Kendall dropped his tote bag on the table, reaching inside it and taking out a plastic bag with a knot tied on top. “Where am I cleaning?”

James took his hand and led him over to the stove, pointing. “This. I know it’s kind of gross . . .”

“I can handle gross,” Kendall said breezily, shrugging and opening up his bag, putting his cleaning supplies out on the counter. “After all, sometimes Merlin brings in dead mice with their guts spilling out and I have to clean them up.”

James gagged. “Oh god. Now that’s why I don’t have a cat.”

“He means well,” Kendall chuckled, picking up a spray bottle of some kind. “They’re meant to be presents for me. Food, y’know?”

“I’m sure my gifts of food are much better then,” James teased, nudging him. Kendall just nodded, biting his lip and smiling shyly.

James walked over to the counter and switched on the radio, turning the volume up to a decent level. "Figure we might as well put some music on," he said to Kendall. "I'll cook some lunch for us?"  
   
"Oh." Kendall smiled sweetly. He clearly hadn't been expecting this. "Okay, cool. I'll get started."  
   
James dug around in the fridge for something decent he could actually manage to cook for Kendall, while the blond started scrubbing at the stove. He was really glad he hadn't hired a maid or a butler like Carlos had continuously suggested. "I've got some chicken in here," he said at last, taking out the foil tray and wishing he wasn't so dumb. "It's got potatoes and a sauce in it too, so basically I just have to heat it up in the oven for thirty minutes . . ."  
   
"Not a five star chef, huh?"  
   
James shook his head, shamefaced.  
   
"No biggie," Kendall shrugged, smiling at him before going back to scrub at the kitchen. "I'm not much of a cook either. Though I have to say, I make amazing scrambled eggs."  
   
"Well, good," James chuckled. "That's more than I can do, if I'm completely honest." He turned the oven on and ripped the plastic off the foil tray, placing it inside. "So, do you get a lot of cleaning jobs?"  
   
"Nope!" Kendall scrubbed harder at a particularly stubborn stain. "But I only have one flyer up. Honestly, it's just a bit of a backup plan." He gave a frustrated groan. "Do you ever clean this thing?!"  
   
"No . . ."  
   
"Didn't think so." Kendall rolled his eyes and continued cleaning. James tried to busy himself tidying the kitchen a little, but really Shay was good at that so there wasn't much for him to do. He felt a bit silly, just hanging around doing nothing. He sat down at the kitchen table and just listened to Kendall humming along to the radio. Some songs he didn't really know, others he knew like the back of his hand, knew every little note perfectly and sometimes threw in a few lyrics.  
   
Then Kendall suddenly stopped humming, grinning and turning to where James was sitting. "Hey!" he said. "Weren't you listening? It's your song!"  
   
James listened, face lighting up when he heard the first verse of one of Taylor Swift's few hugely appreciated masterpieces. "Fuck yes, all I've heard for two weeks is 22 and that song just drills through my brain by now." James' feet thumped on the floor as he sang along, drumming the palms of his hands on the table.  
   
"You've got a good voice," Kendall commented, turning around to look at him, leaning against the stove with his small handled scrubbing brush in his hand.  
   
"Thanks!" James laughed, already a little giddy with the excitement the music brought him. He jumped to his feet, pointing at Kendall with a bright and wide smile. "And now Mr Knight, it's your turn!"  
   
Kendall chuckled, shaking his head. "No, no, I couldn't . . . I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE WHEN YOU WALKED INNNN!!" he roared, throwing his head back, blond hair tossed around as he used the brush as a microphone. "SO SHAME ON ME NOW!!"  
   
"FLEW ME TO PLACES I'VE NEVER BEEN!" James screamed back, running to grab a plastic half full water bottle from the counter. He bellowed into it, jumping onto one of the kitchen chairs. "TIL YOU PUT ME DOWN, OOHHH!!!"  
   
Kendall laughed loudly, jumping up on the chair next to him. He threw his free hand above his head in a perfect superstar stance as he screeched the rest of the chorus.  
   
"NOW I'M LYING ON THE COLD HARD GROUND, OHHH!!" they both wailed, stomping and jumping up and down on their chairs in time to the aggressive dubstep and autotuned voice. God, James loved this song so much. And he could tell, as he saw how wide Kendall was smiling and how loudly he was laughing through the words of the song, despite the teasing he'd received from him, he could tell that he loved it too.  
   
"You know the words?" he asked, trying not to show how heavily he was breathing after their singing . . . well, sort of singing. More shrieking like a cat with its tail caught in a door. The image suddenly came to him of Merlin in a similar situation. Only he imagined the sounds he'd make would more compare to that screamo metal music Logan had listened to in his teen years. Absolutely terrifying.  
   
"I've got a radio!" was all Kendall said, shrugging and laughing and not giving a shit if he sounded totally winded, because he was having the time of his life. One of the things James loved about him . . .  
   
He froze, eyes widening.  
   
"He was long gone," Kendall sang a little softer, his voice sweet and mesmerising, rough but so beautiful as he grabbed James' hand and jumped down off the chair, dragging him with him. "When he left me . . ."  
   
James took a deep breath and spun Kendall around with his free hand, choosing to be brave, and push whatever the fuck was going on in his head (and his heart) into the corner for later. It was easy to draw the music back in and get back into this. Logan and Carlos never wanted to listen to this stuff with him! And Shay, well . . . he'd do anything James asked, it really didn't count for much. No, it did! He was the greatest—  
   
Then Kendall's body collided with James' chest as he was spun back in, the two of them stumbling across the kitchen tiles. "Sorry!" Kendall puffed, giggling hysterically as he straightened up. "I'm not the best dancer, I haven't got much balance."  
   
"Oh, no big deal!" James told him quickly. "You should see Logan . . . he's just plain awful." He thought about it for a moment. "Though he can do a back flip, which is cool. Can you do a back flip?"  
   
"No," Kendall laughed, shaking his head as if it were the most absurd thing he'd ever heard in his life. "I can do a cartwheel, and 40% of the time I fall over and make a fool of myself." He took James' hands in his, pulling his body closer. "Here, show me how to keep the rhythm or something, dance terms or whatever the fuck it is."  
   
James' heart hammered against his chest so hard he almost feared it would burst out and smack Kendall in the face. Now, wouldn't that be embarrassing . . . and probably fatal. God, Kendall was just so bold, and so brave and daring. He wanted confidence like that, he wanted to be brave. But it had been one of the most difficult things for him to do ever since he was a child. Even before his mother died, he'd never been a brave kid. He'd been that kid with girly hair and rosy cheeks, who'd cried a lot and was teased mercilessly because of it. He liked his hair to be tidy, so he was a sissy. He'd cry in response to this, and be teased more. His mom had told him to laugh at them, but he just couldn't do it. What was there to laugh at? They were funnier and smarter and braver than he would ever be. He deserved to be laughed at.  
   
But Kendall wasn't laughing at him.  
   
"Okay, well . . ." James took the brush from Kendall, setting it down on the counter with the bottle and wrapping a hand around him to rest on the small of his back. He held Kendall's hand in his free one, the blond placing his other hand on his shoulder. "You've got to go in time with the basic beat of the music, once you get that it's really not that difficult . . ."  
   
At the moment Taylor's melodic bird like voice had changed to Lana Del Rey's deeper and more soothing tone as 'Summertime Sadness' began to play. James held Kendall close as he began to take small coordinated steps in time to the slight haunting song. Kendall watched his feet, trying to do the same thing. He glanced up at James, breath slightly heavy against his lips as he asked, "Is this okay?" Though James couldn't understand why he was like that; they hadn't been dancing wildly for a while.  
   
"Y-yeah," James replied quietly, fingers pressed tight against Kendall's back. "You're doing great."  
   
"Okay," Kendall nodded, smiling. "Thanks."  
   
They swayed back and forth, Kendall keeping perfectly in time to James' steps. James didn't need to focus on the dancing, something which had always come naturally to him. But he didn't know where to focus his attention, because it was just flying around in all directions and bouncing off the walls; his hand on Kendall's back where he could feel the warmth of his body through his shirt, or where Kendall's hand held his, or those deep bottle green eyes looking up at him, searching for something that they couldn't find. Though James didn't know why that was, or what they were looking for.  
   
"Jamie?"  
   
James sprung away from Kendall, holding his hands close to his body as though the blond had burned them. They clasped together in nervousness as he turned to the kitchen door, smiling in greeting at where Shay stood, a frown on his pretty pale face. "Hi, Shay! I thought you were still reading the book I gave you?"  
   
"I finished it. Why were you dancing with him?" Shay's lip quivered.   
   
"No, baby it's nothing!!" James said quickly, hurrying over to him and taking his hands. "I was just showing him how to dance, that's all."  
   
"Are you sure that's all it was?" Shay asked quietly, looking up at him with wide and sad eyes.  
   
"Of course," James promised, leaning down and kissing him. Shay kissed back immediately, arms around his neck as he stood up on the balls of his feet. James pulled back after a few moments, letting Shay's teeth catch his bottom lip for a second before withdrawing a little more and saying quietly, "Once he's finished cleaning, we'll go out and do something, okay?"  
   
"I'd love that," Shay grinned in delight, jumping and down a little in excitement and leaving the room, calling something in a sweet voice about going to choose an outfit to wear.  
   
James turned back around to see Kendall cleaning the stove with a kind of new anger in his gestures, as if rather than scrubbing a stove, he was trying to scrub someone's face away. He gnawed hard on his bottom lip, brows furrowed as his hair hung into his face. James winced as the timer for the food went off. Well, didn't everything today have the worst timing ever?  
   
"I'm finished," Kendall said immediately, straightening up and picking his plastic bag from the counter and putting his cleaning supplies inside, before stuffing it into his tote bag and slinging it over his shoulder. "Thanks for the offer of, y'know, food . . . but I should get going."  
   
James switched off the oven, pain set in his voice as he said, "Hold on. I'm gonna pay you, so just stay here, okay?"  
   
Kendall sighed, slumping down into the chair he'd previously been dancing on. "Okay. Thanks."  
   
James hurried out of the room, mind reeling. Okay, he had three options:  
   
1\. He could pay Kendall the $200 he'd promised him and send him on his way, promising to meet him again in Palmwood's soon, then go on his date with Shay.  
   
2\. He could pay Kendall the $200 he'd promised him and try to explain what the fuck was going on in his head and his heart, even though he was having trouble actually figuring it out in the first place.  
   
3\. He could give Kendall something to try and make up for it. He wouldn't take charity, James knew that by now. But maybe something else . . .  
   
James bounded down the hallway and ran into one of his favourite rooms in the house; it had a game console and television, a pool table and foosball table, and his musical instruments. The only one he really enjoyed to play was the piano, and sometimes the drums if he was in the mood to be loud and aggressive. But the guitars were often untouched. He grabbed the acoustic closest to him; the polished wood was a deep red colour, the strap still attached to it. He stared at it for a second, before grabbing a pair of scissors from the drawer in the table beside him and scratching hard across the surface of the instrument; not hard enough to break through it, of course, but enough to leave some obvious marks. Then he stuffed it into its designated soft fabric case and zipped it up, picking it up and running out of the room. He grabbed his wallet from where he'd left it in the living room and walked back to Kendall.  
   
Kendall looked up when he returned, eyes widening when he saw the guitar case. His face darkened. "James—"  
   
"Look, just listen." James placed the guitar on the table, unzipping the case and opening it up to show him the instrument. "I bought this guitar at a charity fair for $180, and they threw in the case for free. Now, since I got it there's been a bit of wear and tear both on the case and guitar." He pointed to the scratches on the wood. "So I would estimate that nobody would buy such a damaged instrument for more than $100, though really it plays very well. Now, if I dock this from the wages," James opened his wallet and took out two fifties, placing them on the table in front of Kendall. "There's your entire payment."  
   
Kendall just stared up at him in amazement. "I . . ." He looked at the guitar, then back up at James. "But why?"  
   
"Well, I figure you might enjoy busking more than selling those magazines," James replied, shrugging. "If you're gonna make money on the street you might as well enjoy it somewhat."  
   
Then he suddenly felt a heavy weight against his chest, the breath knocked out of him. He realised Kendall was hugging him, arms in a tight grip around his waist. He hugged him back, but Kendall pulled away again immediately. He picked up the money and folded it, tucking it safely into his pocket. "Thank you."  
   
"You're welcome." James opened the oven and took out the foil tray. "And just take this too, okay? I'm not gonna eat it and it'll only go to waste. I'm sure you're against all that kind of carry on . . ."  
   
"I am . . ."  
   
James covered the tray and found a paper bag to put it in, folding it and pressing it into Kendall's hands, once he had the guitar case securely on his back and his tote bag in place. "There. Take care, yeah? Maybe I'll see you soon." He smirked. "If I see you getting your superstar on to Taylor Swift I'll cheer you on."  
   
"You're hilarious." Kendall rolled his eyes. "But thanks."  
   
"You're welcome." Then before he chickened out and changed his mind, he took hold of Kendall by the shoulders and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead. "I'll walk you to the door."  
   
Kendall seemed too stunned to speak; he just followed James to the door while hugging the bagged tray close to his chest. He handed it briefly to James while he put his jacket and hat back on, before taking it back. "Oh, and tell Merlin I say hi!" James added cheerfully, opening the front door for him. "I'm sure he missed you while you were gone."  
   
"Y-yeah, probably . . ." Kendall brushed his bangs out of his yes. "Well, um . . . thanks. I'll see you around?"  
   
"Yeah, I'll see you."

Ten minutes after Kendall had left, James wandered back into the hallway in a daze, and something caught his eye. Something bright and colourful against the cream walls and the shiny wooden floor. Kendall’s scarf, crumpled on the floor under the coat hooks. He’d left it behind. James walked over and picked it up, running his hands over the worn yarn and frayed threads. The thing really was a mess. It was probably itchy as fuck too.

James stiffened, glancing over his shoulder. He could hear Shay upstairs, maybe busy prettying himself or whatever it was he did at times like these. James lifted the scarf up and wrapped it around his neck. _I am so totally and utterly creepy._ The scarf wasn’t itchy after all; it was very soft, and comforting. James couldn’t help snuggling a little into it. 

_Dear god help me, it smells like him too._

He’d begun to think recently that Kendall smelt like black coffee. But before that he could’ve sworn he smelt like incense. He quickly took the scarf off and hung it up before his mind could wander any further. He’d give it back to Kendall next time he saw him, if he thought to remember it.  
  


“Jamie!” an affectionate voice cooed suddenly, catching him by surprise. Shay’s arms wrapped around him, and James turned to face him and received a passionate kiss on the lips. “Let’s go out to dinner!” Shay suggested enthusiastically, putting on his jacket and trapper hat and offering James his. “You said we’d go out, so let’s go out!”

“Right, yeah.” James nodded quickly. “I did say that . . .”

So they went out. James took Shay to their favourite restaurant, Somerlyn. Well, it was his favourite place; anything that he loved, Shay loved by association. Except, of course, for Kendall.

**_Stop it._ **

He tried to concentrate on the delicious food, the nice music, and talking to Shay, who was currently sliding his little dainty foot up James’ leg for the millionth time that afternoon. He could tell that he couldn’t wait for them to get home. But they stayed out until evening, hanging around in the park after their meal and chatting, walking together. James focused hard on that cute spring in Shay’s step, and the way he would giggle and point something out in that chirpy voice. His large and eager smile, his bright eyes and his cute little button nose.

The drive home sent him into a panic, his skin tingling with a fiery heat where Shay’s hand seductively rested on his thigh. As soon as they were inside, James felt a hand tugging at him, helping him take his jacket off, leading him to the living room. He opened his mouth to speak and felt Shay’s tongue push in before he could get any stuttering words out. His hands found Shay’s waist and he gripped it like a lifeline. Maybe this as the only thing that could save him right now.

  
But as James felt Shay's hands tightly grip his shirt, it suddenly felt wrong. And alien, foreign. He was suddenly struck with the prospect of what it would feel like if those hands trembled when they held him, as though he was afraid to try and hold on, but afraid to let go. He felt Shay’s hard mouth pressed against his. His lips were soft, but he kissed with a strict passion and force, without softness. He was completely confident and faultless in his movements.

_“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Kendall whispered against James’ lips, giving a shy laugh and kissing him again, shaking hands starting to slide around his shoulders, barely brushing off him. His touch was as gentle and fragile as that of a butterfly’s wings._

At least, that was how James pictured it. And how, though he didn’t want to admit it, that was how he wanted it.

He could feel his heart beating faster, his cheeks and the rest of his body heating up at the thought of Kendall kissing him and holding him the way Shay was now. Of course, Kendall would never do it this way. He was sure of it. Shay could sense the change in his body, sliding his hands under his shirt in a manner that showed he was completely sure of himself. He knew what he wanted, he knew what James wanted, he knew how to give it to him. It was what he was made for.

And then, in a sort of gust of wind and a kick in the head all at once, James pushed Shay away from him, finally able to breathe deeper now that he was away from that controlling hold. This wasn’t how he wanted it. This wasn’t what he was made for. It was only hitting him now that he wasn’t nearly as pathetic as he’d thought he was back in September, and even before that. Through his whole life. For once, he needed to stop looking for people to take care of him and love him. Obviously that was important, and everyone had the right to want it. Everyone should want that. But what they should also want was to hold someone back and keep them safe and tell them they were important, and special. That, in its own way, was being loved. The opportunity to make someone feel as special as they made you feel. It was a two way street.

He’d helped Kendall get Merlin back. He’d kept him warm on the rooftop before fucking things up again. He was important. 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Shay asked, reaching out a hand to touch James’ cheek. “You look pale.”

“I-I . . .” James stepped back quickly, tripping over his other foot as he did. “I have to go.”

“Go? Go where?” Shay looked horrified, and hurt, and James felt awful for it, but he had to figure this out before he lost his mind. 

“Out,” James replied curtly, picking up his jacket and feeling the weight of his keys and wallet inside it. He left his phone behind and simply hurried towards the front door with the jacket draped over his arm.

“Jamie, wait!!” Suddenly Shay’s small hand was wrapped around his in a vice grip, and James was forced to turn around and face him. Shay looked up at him, sadly, but there was a mutinous glare behind that sadness that James didn’t miss. It was okay; he could come back afterwards. He’d make it up to him.

“Shay.” James carefully pried Shay’s hand off and held it in his, gazing down into his green eyes, his own dishonest reflection staring back at him. “I’ll be back soon, I promise. I just need to go check something out, okay?”

Shay sighed. “Jamie . . . you still love me, right?”

“Oh Shay, of course I do!” James kissed his hand and gave it a squeeze before letting go. “You know I do. I just really have to go. I’m sorry." 

And he hurried out of the house before Shay could say another word.

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

It was dark when James ran into the alley leading to Kendall's apartment, skidding slightly on his heels, the wet concrete underneath him slippery and shining under the streetlights. He jogged over to the fire escape stairs and leaped up each flight two steps at a time, panting and gasping for air by the time he reached the top floor. He leaned back against the wall for a moment or two to catch his breath. Then, in a brief moment of uncharacteristic bravery, he reached out and knocked on the window three times. He rested his hands on the windowsill and waited. Only a minute or so later, the curtains were thrown open and Kendall appeared, standing there and gaping at him with confusion and a dozen unanswered questions written all over his face. In the light shining from the apartment behind him, his skin glowed and he resembled a stunning angel. James felt his heart flutter and managed a nervous smile, waving with a shaky hand.  
   
Kendall reached forward and slid the window open, leaning out towards him. "What are you doing here?" he asked, head tilted. “You’re never here this late . . ."  
   
"I had to see you," James replied abruptly, because really what else was there to say? Shrugging and nodding but still appearing bemused, Kendall stepped aside and gave James space to heave himself up over the windowsill and into the room. Kendall shut the window quickly afterwards to keep the cold night air outside, shutting the curtains and turning to look at James. He clearly expected some elaboration on his reasons for visiting at such a strange time. But suddenly James could think of none.  
   
"I . . ." He ran a hand up through his hair, scratching at his head as his foot scuffed the floor and his eyes wandered over anything but the blond standing in front of him. Which, ironically, was where he wanted to look the most. "I just . . ." He stepped forward, finally able to train his eyes on Kendall once again. Standing closer to him then he was before, much closer, their chests almost touching, he was able to count the freckles over Kendall’s nose. But he chose not to. He could save it for a more appropriate time. "I couldn't stop thinking about you," he finished lamely, waving a hand feebly in the air. "So, there you go. You're all that's on my mind lately, and there's a reason for that . . ."  
   
Kendall's lips parted slightly as his eyes widened. The corners of his lips turned up in a slight smile. "And the reason is?" he inquired, that little dimple all James could stare at as Kendall slowly reached out and wrapped his small slender hand in James' large one.   
   
James had a strong suspicion that Kendall knew that the reason was. Maybe he'd even known before James did. But he clearly wanted it to be said out loud. So he complied. "I guess the best way of saying this is that I like you." He let out a weak chuckle to try and hide how nervous and impotent Kendall made him feel. "As hackneyed and completely high school as it sounds. I really, really do."  
   
"Wow." Kendall grinned up at him, and James couldn't believe how confident and at ease he was even in a situation like this, where James was sure he himself could keel over from a heart attack any second. But his hands, he suddenly realised, still trembled. "That is pretty hackneyed. But I guess finding the right words to explain it is pretty much the most difficult thing we could do . . ." He squeezed James' hand in his as their eyes locked properly for the first time since his arrival. "So, I'm gonna say it in an equally lame way, just so you don't feel bad. I do too."  
   
James had to roll his eyes at the 'feel bad' comment. Then he stopped, growing. "Wait. You, uh . . ." He smiled awkwardly. "Are we talking about me this time?"  
   
"Yes, you idiot!" Kendall groaned, rolling his eyes. "My god, you're clueless. I've felt that way since we met in that café. I knew so easily because I haven't felt like that since I was a teenager."  
   
"You're still technically—"  
   
"You know what I mean." Kendall rolled his eyes again. "Are we still having a moment here, or . . .?"  
   
"R-right, yeah." James swallowed, cheeks red. "I don't know how long I've had these feelings for you. I just realised it recently, I guess. I've been pretty blind."  
   
"Well, you wear glasses, so . . ."  
   
James was the one to roll his eyes this time at the excessively awful joke. But he had nothing else that he could think of to say, so he stepped closer to Kendall, lifting his hands to rest them on his tiny waist. Kendall jumped slightly, looking down at his hands and then looking up at James. Then he hurriedly reached up to shakily grip James' shirt, and tugged him forward. James's breath was cut off as Kendall's mouth melded into his.  
   
For a moment, he couldn't breathe, and all he felt was the soft but touch of Kendall’s lips against his. Kissing him wasn't like he'd predicted it; he'd imagined it rougher, messier. But their mouths moved smoothly together like puzzle pieces falling into place and it felt perfect, right. He felt as though this was what was meant to be.  
   
Kendall's forehead then bumped off James' glasses, and the perfection collided to a stop. He winced and pulled back only a tiny distance, breath still coming out heavy as he said with a chuckle, "Your dorky glasses are getting in my way."  
   
James' eyes widened, jaw dropping. He felt something inside him a die a little. "You think they're dorky . . .?"  
   
"Well yeah. You look like a nerd." Kendall shrugged, hands holding James' collar with a weak grip, but he knew he wouldn't let go. "Nothing wrong with that. I look like a hobo, right?"  
   
"W-well," James stammered u comfortably. He felt his cheeks turn redder than they already were. "Um . . ."  
   
Then Kendall smiled and laughed, their noses knocked together, and James did the same. He angled his head so his glasses weren't in the way and kissed Kendall again, arms wrapping around his body and enveloping him in. He felt Kendall's arms draped loosely over his shoulders, one of them bunched in his shirt as the other gently ran through his cropped hair. As James slowly took a step forward, opening his eyes so he could see where he was going, his arms tightened and he suddenly realised, as he took another step, Kendall's feet had left the floor. The blond's soft body was pressed firmly against his, his toes just brushing lightly off James' shins. Then they suddenly bumped into something, and then they were sprawled on the bed, his arms crushed underneath both their bodies. He wriggled them out from under Kendall, who laughed again and pulled him back for another kiss.  
   
"Do you want to?" Kendall asked suddenly, hands sliding down to James' shoulders and staying there. His cheeks were a dark red against the white of his cheeks. "To . . . I mean . . ."  
   
James' hand found its way to Kendall’s cheek, and he gently stroked his thumb along the hot skin. "You mean sex?" he said gently, quirking an eyebrow and smiling, in an attempt to light up the mood. Because Kendall seemed unsure, wary of what was happening. He wanted to ensure that the blond would be comfortable, and happy like this.  
   
Kendall nodded, letting out a deep breath. "I should warn you," he teased, eyes twinkling. "I only ever slept with one person. I'm pretty inexperienced."  
   
"But it also means I don't have much to live up to," James joked, nuzzling the side of Kendall's neck and pressing his lips against it.  
   
"We'll see." Running a hand through James' hair, Kendall tilted the brunet's head up to look him in he eyes. "You don't happen to have a condom, do you?"  
   
"Oh. Hmm." James got up on his knees, giving Kendall space to breathe and compose himself. The blond straightened his shirt and fixed his hair, which really didn't make sense to James since his shirt would be gone and his hair would be a mess again shortly, but he didn't question it. He got off the bed and hurried over to where he'd tossed his jacket on the couch, reaching into the pocket. _Please let it still be there, please please please . . ._ Then his hand found the little foil packet and he tugged it out of his wallet, grinning in triumph.  
   
"Why do you have that?" Kendall asked, sitting up and giggling lightly at the look on James' face. "So sure you're gonna get laid everywhere you go?"  
   
"No," James replied, frowning. "I’ve had it since me and Dak were together . . . he likes the car or public places.”  
   
"Kinky."  
   
"Mhm." James glanced down at it, his heart suddenly heavier, as though encased in concrete. "I guess I just never thought to take it out, even after all this time . . ."  
   
His stare wasn't broken until he suddenly felt a gentle hand on his arm. He jumped, glancing up to see Kendall standing beside him, looking up at him and smiling. He lifted his hand to press it to the back of James' neck and pulled him down for a kiss, his hands then moving to slide up against James' shirt and tug it upwards slowly. James hastily reached forward, eyes open for a moment until he located the buttons of Kendall's shirt. He unbuttoned them with shaking fingers, shivering as Kendall's tongue slid along his and his hands pressed against his chest, fingers spread wide to touch as much as he could. James pulled back to push Kendall's shirt off his shoulders and let it drop to the floor, fluttering a little as it did. His eyes fell on Kendall's body, how thin he was. His collarbone jutted out, his body flat for the most part, a very noticeable v on his hips, disappearing into his jeans. He bit his lip, reaching a hand out to touch it. Kendall jumped, breathing harder as his eyelids fluttered.  
   
James bent down and pressed his lips against Kendall's shoulder. Slowly moving downward, he left little kisses across Kendall's chest. Goosebumps rose on the blond's arms, his hands gripping James' shirt on either side of his neck. James slowly dropped to his knees as he kissed lower, taking more time as he did. He kissed along every scar and freckle he saw, taking his time pressing his lips and tongue against his v line and moved his hands up to open Kendall's jeans. He could feel a slight bulge there, pressing his hand against it. Kendall moaned, his grip on James' shirt tightening. James took hold of Kendall's jeans on either side of his waist and tugged them down slowly, taking his boxers with them and leaving them to pool at his ankles. First, James' eyes fell on how Kendall' hips jutted out, his thighs curving in, a noticeable gap between them as he stood there and trembled slightly. James' eyes then fell on Kendall’s half hard cock, arching out slightly from his body.   
   
He wrapped his hand around it and slowly stroked it once up and down, glancing up at Kendall. Kendall's mouth hung slightly open, breath coming out in quivery little sighs as his hands tightened on James' shoulders. But when the blond finally looked down at him and their eyes met, he could see that he was trusting him. That he wanted to keep going. So James repeated the action and slid his free hand down to unbutton his own jeans and tug the zipper down. After a few more strokes Kendall was fully hard, and James slowly slid his hand over his hip and curved it around to cup one of his cheeks. He didn't miss the faint tremble in Kendall's pale thighs, and looked up at him. Kendall's teeth were gnawing at his bottom lip, his eyes wide. Then he said quietly, smiling nervously, "Just go slow, yeah?"  
   
James nodded. His fingers slid down between Kendall's cheeks to rub at his entrance. The blond keened, a hand running through James' hair. It was a soothing and comforting feeling, and James smiled to himself as he prodded his forefinger at Kendall’s entrance, before slowly pushing it inside. The whimper Kendall let out sent a wave of panic through him, and he remembered that they were going dry and he was stupid for doing that and what if Kendall was in too much pain—  
   
Then he felt Kendall's ass pressed against his hand as he rocked his hips back a little, trying to encourage James' finger in deeper. James did as he asked and started pumping his finger in and out slowly. He could feel Kendall's heat cloaking it, and thought about how it would feel once his dick was actually inside of him. His heart throbbed and he had to press his free hand harder against his crotch. He leaned in and opened his mouth, wrapping it over the tip of Kendall’s dick to distract him as his middle finger plunged inside the blond. Kendall let out an instantaneous and loud moan, James glancing up to see his head thrown back in pleasure. It had been a while since James had done this; obviously there was no point in doing with Shay, whom he didn’t want think about right now. He kept himself busy; his mouth sucked on the head of Kendall's dick, his left hand stretched him and his right was stuck deep inside his boxers, pumping his own cock to the sounds Kendall was making, the anticipation filling his consciousness and making his head swim.  
   
"J-James, James," Kendall stuttered suddenly and urgently, tugging James' head back and tilting it up. "I'm ready."  
   
James withdrew his fingers slightly more abruptly then planned and got to his feet, jeans and boxers caught on his thighs. Their erections brushed together and James gasped, tugging Kendall closer on instinct. "You sure?"  
   
"Duh." A little of that old Kendall reappeared before him as he rolled his eyes and yanked James' shirt up over his head. “Otherwise I wouldn't have said it, would I? Now, Jay, frankly the fact that you've still got your pants on is pissing me off."  
   
Jay. Well, he could get used to that one. James grinned at Kendall and leaned down, kicking his shoes off and then tugging off his socks and finished stripping himself. He hissed as his feet hit the cold floor. "Fuck."  
   
"I know," Kendall simply replied, nodding absent-mindedly as he did the same, significantly less affected by the freezing wooden floor. "I've got a heater, I could . . ."  
   
"No, no, don't worry about that," James said quickly. Shivering, he looked around the cold room. His eyes fell on the bed, grinning. "I guess we can just go under the covers." And he scooped Kendall up into his arms, the blond squeaking with surprise as he was carried like a bride over to the bed. James placed Kendall down onto his feet and the blond tossed the covers back, before sitting on the mattress and scooting back. "James," he said just as the brunet was about to follow him. He raised his eyebrows, smirked, and pointed to James' empty hands. "You're forgetting something."  
   
"Right, shit!" Cursing himself for being careless and letting it drop from his hand, James hurried over to where their clothes lay strewn across the floor and scanned the area in search of the condom. _Fuck fuck fuck where is it . . ._ "Got it!" he called, wincing when he realised how loud and enthusiastic he sounded. He walked back over to the bed and got on the mattress next to Kendall, who lay with his head resting on the pillow, arms hugging his chest slightly. His legs twitched every now and then, as though he didn't know whether to spread them or close them or cross them or any other options there were. James slowly got on top of his smaller, thinner body, scooting back and nudging his legs apart gently with his knee. Kendall glanced downwards, looking up again at James. "U-um," he said at last, pointing behind James. "The blanket."  
   
James tugged the blanket upwards over their bodies, and used this opportunity to lay his body down closer to Kendall's and prop the blond's legs up around his waist. The blanket slipped down past his shoulders, and he felt a chill which he chose to ignore. He opened the condom and rolled it on, spitting on his hand and rubbing over it. Then he reached out, placed his hands on Kendall’s hips, and pushed inside.  
   
Instantly Kendall's fingers dug into his shoulders, his back arching as he cried out weakly. "Oh g- _god_ ," he gasped, eyes scrunched shut. "It's really been a while, hasn't it . . ."  
   
James smiled down at him, lifting a hand to tilt his chin up and slide his tongue into his open mouth. They stayed like that for a while, kissing each other lazily. James felt the rigid muscles in Kendall's body loosening as he calmed down. His body relaxed in James' arms, his chest rising and falling more evenly again. But as their chests pressed together, he could still feel the blond's heart beating rapidly and knew that inside, he wasn't calm at all. James angled his hips and began to slowly roll against him, Kendall whining into his mouth and tightening his legs around his waist. And when Kendall in response began to attempt to rock his hips down, James went faster, pushing his hips back until the head of his dick tugged at Kendall's entrance, before thrusting forward again and hitting his sweet spot.  
   
There was something about the way Kendall looked at him, that adoration in his eyes as their hips rutted together and their eyes stayed locked. It wasn't being worshipped, at least not through gifts or compliments or plain obvious falling at his feet. It was an emotion Kendall only let slip at vulnerable moments like this, when he let himself open up and didn't hide anything. Like that moment when they talked about their favourite things on the roof of the building. Or when they'd danced together in his kitchen. These were the moments, James realised, that he felt most loved. He’d never had sex like this.   
   
Kendall's moans and whimpers of his name crashed against his ear. He kissed along his neck and over his chest and made sure to touch him absolutely everywhere. His hands slid over his chest, the curves of his thighs, his slim legs, his skinny shoulders, the dip where his back slowly curved and down over his ass. "Sorry," Kendall squeaked as his hand instinctively yanked violently at James' hair after one particularly hard thrust. "I didn't mean to do that . . ."  
   
James groaned, hand on his head. Of course, something like this would've had to happen for this to be real. "It's cool. The bald patch will disappear eventually."  
   
"Oh, shut up," Kendall huffed, slapping his chest. Then he yelped in surprise as James suddenly wrapped his arms around him and rolled them over, Kendall’s body sprawled on top of his, the blanket bunching at their waists. Kendall's hands pressed against James' shoulders, his legs straddling his waist, his toes just brushing off the sides of James' knees. He was tiny and clumsy and he fit his body perfectly. "So, I'm on top now?" he joked, rocking his hips and moaning slightly, an angelic smile spread across his face.  
   
James beamed up at him, moving his hands so they clasped Kendall’s waist and spread with his fingertips pressed against his back. He watched as Kendall slowly lifted his hips up, mouth hanging open, and plunged back down. He moaned louder, forehead pressed against James'. He kissed him briefly, before sitting up a little and repeating the action, setting a steady pace. James lay back, caressing Kendall's back and sides and anywhere his hands found and listened to the sounds he made, watched the pleasure and somewhat awed expression on his face and felt the tight hot clench around his dick.  
   
But aside from that all he could think about was how he wanted this to happen every night. How when his nerves sparked and his body tingled and his brain swirled around inside his skull in a flurry of colour, he wanted to see Kendall there with him, feeling the same thing he did. It was all suddenly flooding to him, how he wanted to be called a dork but be loved for it anyway, how he wanted to be slapped around when he did something stupid, but kissed afterwards as a little exchange of apologies.  
   
His hands squeezed Kendall's hips tightly, the blond stopping in his lap and looking at him. "What?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.  
   
"I just, um." James cleared his throat, lifting a hand to brush the pad of his thumb against Kendall's warm smooth cheek. "I'm just realising how perfect you are."  
   
Kendall's jaw dropped. "I . . ." James wasn't entirely sure of what he expected Kendall to say. Maybe a thank you, maybe a return of the compliment or maybe even some protest, and reasons as to why this was completely inaccurate. But instead Kendall simply mumbled, "I'm not. Not like Shay."  
   
 _Shay. Fuck._ James' grip on Kendall stiffened. Suddenly his mind was crowded with the pleas and sobs that Shay would let out if he found out what he'd done. He'd seen nothing wrong with what he was doing . . . until he remembered what he already had. Or rather, who.  
   
But he could focus on that later. Instead he just wrapped his arms around Kendall's back and pulled him down until their noses brushed together. "I don't care," he said softly, kissing him and praying that Kendall would believe him.  
   
He seemed to; he gave a wide grin and kissed James again quickly, before sitting up again and resuming his light bouncing on James' lap. James grabbed his hips then and slowly raised the blond up, bending his legs so his feet braced against the mattress. The blanket had slipped off them, tangled at his feet, but the heat from their bodies kept the chill of the apartment completely unnoticed. James began to thrust up hard and fast, catching Kendall by surprise and making him cry out in pleasure, head thrown back as he quickly gripped the headboard tightly to avoid being thrown off onto the floor.  
   
"Oh f-fuck _James_ ," Kendall moaned loudly, fingers clenching the headboard harder every thrust until his knuckles ached.  
   
"You're so tight," James gasped, thrusting harder. He wondered if he would be stiff or any way sore from this in the morning. But he found he really didn't give a shit. His toes curled, his balls tightened, his whole body trembled and he quickly wrapped one hand around Kendall's cock, stroking it quickly in time to his thrusts as the other tightly gripped his hip. Kendall's fingernails scratched down his chest as he reached orgasm, James' groaning as he felt his semen splatter out against his chest. One more thrust up into Kendall's tight heat and he came too, arms shaking as they slipped from Kendall's sides and the blond fell on top of him, forehead pressed against his shoulder. James felt every shaky breath he let out and ran a hand up and down his back. Once he regained strength in his arms, he lifted Kendall up and laid him on the bed beside him, before peeling the condom off and looking around for somewhere to put it.  
   
"Drop it on the floor. I'll take care of it later," Kendall mumbled tiredly. His eyes were closed, and yet he'd still sensed what James was thinking. James grinned, rolling onto his side and watching him. He looked most beautiful this way, with his hair a mess and his skin flushed and his lips a little dark and swollen and his chest heaving, he looked most natural. James reached out and wrapped an arm around him, tugging the covers up over them again, because it was getting cold now almost instantly. Kendall opened his eyes and smiled up at him, reaching up and kissing him with a new relaxed manner about him. James was smiling too wide to be able to kiss back properly.  
   
Then he suddenly heard a light patter on the floor and Merlin hopped up onto the bed. James's eyes widened. "I . . . Has he been in here with us the whole time?" He suddenly feared for his life, as that hard yellow eye stared at him with the same anger and disdain as always. He tired to glare back, but found he couldn't put half as much energy into it as this animal could.  
   
"Probably," Kendall replied nonchalantly, puckering his lips and making little kissing sounds, beckoning Merlin over. Merlin walked up the bed and let out a low meow, tilting his head when Kendall started petting him. He was standing with his two front paws on James' thigh, which made him extremely nervous. But his claws weren't out, so eventually James accepted that this would do. Until Merlin glanced up at him and took a few blasé steps forward.  
   
"Fuck!" James yelped in pain, eyes widening. He cupped his crotch as Kendall quickly gathered Merlin in his arms, looking both horrified and like he was trying to keep his laughter in. "He stepped on my dick!!"  
   
"I am so sorry!!" Kendall babbled, holding Merlin close to his chest. He was sniggering a little and rested a hand on James' shoulder. "I guess he's not the keenest when it comes to you."  
   
"Wow, you're quick to catch on," James retorted in a cutting tone, whining in pain. "That hurt."  
   
"Sorry, Jay," Kendall chuckled, turning to Merlin and giving him a light pat on the head. "You knew damn well where you were stepping, didn't you? You bad boy,” he cooed, kissing his head. "Silly old furball."  
   
James watched, amused and considerably more cheerful as Kendall put Merlin down and snuggled up into James' side, resting his head and one hand on his chest. Merlin went to curl up at the further end of the bed, accepting defeat. James made sure to throw a triumphant and smug grin his way. He'd won this round. He felt Kendall's fingers tracing little circles and stripes across his skin and looped his arm around the blond's waist, spreading it over the small of his back. Kendall grinned up at him, biting his lip and giving a cheeky little wink. "Sorry my place isn't like yours," he commented at last, a teasing glint in his eyes. "If it was I would've brought out the champagne and little chocolates by now."  
   
James rolled his eyes, playing with Kendall's hand. "Don't be a jerk."  
   
"Sorry, force of habit." Kendall yawned, snuggling closer to him and shutting his eyes.  
   
"Don't fall asleep on me," James said quickly, nudging Kendall's chin up. "I can't stay the night . . ." As soon as the words left his mouth, he wanted to just sucked them back in. But it was too late now. “I just . . ."

“I know.” Kendall shrugged, giving a small sigh. “You’ve got to go back to Shay, I know. It’s cool.”

James frowned, kind of amazed by this sudden turn of events. “It is? Seriously?”

“For now, anyway.” Kendall cocked an eyebrow and looked up at him, before giving another yawn and snuggling back down. “Either way, I’m wrecked. You can use my shower before you go, if you want to.”

“Oh. Yeah, great. I will.” James got out of the bed. “Towels?”

“Top drawer,” Kendall replied softly, pointing. He lay on his side, watching James with a sleepy smile on his face. He looked so sweet that James couldn’t help grinning wider at him. “Now, when you go into the shower, you’ve got about ten minutes of hot water before it turns scalding and you’re gonna have to move out of the way. During the couple of minutes that it’s like that you can shampoo your hair if you want to wash it. Then you’ve got five minutes before you have to avoid the rust for about a minute and a half, and then—“

James cut him off, staring at the bathroom door now like it was a gateway into a dark portal of torture and misery. “You’re kidding me, right?”

Kendall burst into a fit of tired laughter, nodding. “Yeah, I am. Sorry, you were just making the best face. . .” He yawned again. “But the water does get really hot after about ten minutes, then goes cold and goes back to normal. It does it every now and then, so . . .”

“Okay, got it,” James nodded, shaking his head fondly and heading into the bathroom. He’d never been in there before; it was small, and the tiles were a bit cracked, but it was very clean. Kendall’s toothbrush and toothpaste sat on the bathroom sink with a comb and a bar of soap. He tugged the shower curtain aside and left the towel on the sink, stepping into the bath. The bottles were neatly stacked by the tap, and he picked up the shampoo before pulling the curtain back over and turning on the shower.

As he washed the cum, sweat and smell of sex from his body, he wondered about what was going to happen now. He realised, with a terrible dread, that it was up to him. Not only did he seriously lack in the responsibility to department (which suddenly hit him now, might have been part of the reason for this bad relationship history. That and all the jerks) but he had also never been great at making these kinds of important choices. When he was younger, he’d been a little better at it. But now he just thought about it too much and psyched himself out, instead of just feeling it. He was knocked from this depressing and worrying little corner when the water turned ice cold and shocked him out of it.

After his shower James dried up and walked back into the main room of the apartment, drying his hair with the towel and combing his fingers through it. “The shower wasn’t too bad, actually. I could get used to it after a couple of rounds . . .” He trailed off, eyes on the bed. His mouth stretched into a smile as he walked towards it, taking considerably quieter steps this time. Kendall had fallen asleep, and Merlin, now that there was space for him, had curled up by his knees and was purring, eye closed. Kendall slept with a tiny smile on his face, eyelashes dark against his cheek, hair hanging in his face. James walked over to where they’d stripped off their clothes and quickly pulled his back on, before walking back over to the bed. Kendall looked so much smaller, if that was possible, and innocent this way. James didn’t want to tear his eyes away, didn’t want to leave him alone in this breathtaking and tender state. But he knew that if he didn’t, there’d be a lot of explaining to do when he eventually managed to drag himself home. So James leaned in and carefully brushed Kendall’s bangs aside, pressing his lips briefly to his forehead, and then to his lips. Just a quick, fleeting kiss that was barely there at all. He didn’t want to wake Kendall up.

He decided to switch the lights off for him, navigating his way through the dark apartment until he got to his jacket, and put it back on. He reached in through the window and pulled the curtains shut when he was outside, before reaching in and sliding the window down as carefully as he could, slipping his hands out quickly and letting it fall and click into place, keeping Kendall safely hidden away inside.

The last thing he wanted now was to go home and show this kind of affection to someone else, whether he felt it or not. How could he, after that? 

But he’d never been one to resist these kinds of temptations. He drove home with the radio on, to fill the silence and wash away the guilt eating its way into his head.

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

**PART V - WRECKING BALL.**

 

_Don't you ever say I just walked away; I will always want you._

 

James may have left Kendall alone in his apartment that night, but he'd woken up the next morning in bright spirits, trying to ignore the pain coursing through his body. It really had been a long, long time. As he walked around his apartment and then the city that day, he felt like he was floating, his toes barely scuffing off the ground. He got out his guitar, set out the open case and sang his heart out, fingers dancing along the strings in a way that he'd missed dearly. Music had always played (no pun intended) a big part in his life, and nothing made him happier than getting to play again, and make his living from it.  
   
Well, one thing did make him happier. That afternoon, James found him on the street and spent the rest of his working hours with him, having jokingly nabbed Kendall's beanie from him, walking around and using it to collect any little spare tips. He made more money than he ever had, and celebrated by buying them both pizzas and giant cups of coffee. Nothing spectacular, of course. They'd eaten the food in the warmth of Kendall's apartment with the heat turned up. And what they did afterwards was certainly spectacular; just as spectacular as the previous night. Kendall lay on top again, James' arms wrapped securely around him, guiding him every step of the way when he trembled too much or his body temperature soared so high that the only thing he could comprehend was the feeling of James' large hands on his waist, and the wonderfully aching feeling of him moving hot and heavy inside of him.  
   
His only indication that time had been passing around him was that the Christmas lights were being put up around town again, twinkling and reflecting their warm colours off the shiny wet ground. Upon being asked what he did for Christmas, Kendall rolled his eyes and told James of his fun and exciting nights eating Chinese takeaway on the couch and watching the sappy family movies playing on TV with Merlin on his lap. James wanted Kendall to spend Christmas with him, Carlos and Logan, but he point blank refused. He knew Shay would be there too. During one of his working afternoons it had poured rain, pelting down on them like little shards of glass, so Kendall had packed up his instrument and they'd stayed indoors, spooning and cuddled up under his blankets to keep warm, their feet bare and their hands intertwined over Kendall's chest.  
   
James would always have to leave eventually, taking a shower before he left if he needed to. Sometimes they'd shower together; most of the time this entailed James grabbing Kendall and holding him under the spray of water as it turned bitterly cold, laughing loudly and gleefully at his squeals before wincing as he got smacked hard in the chest as a result. James had fallen over in the tub once, Kendall shrieking with laughter above him, before tugging him onto his feet and pecking his lips. "Idiot," he murmured, before he was lifted up into James' arms again, and forgot all about that.  
   
One night they stood in the tub, Kendall pressed up tight against the wall with the weight of James' body firmly holding him there. They were both out of breath at this stage, Kendall's face laid against James' shoulder as he panted slightly, still coming down from his high. This was the first time they'd had sex this way. It had been decidedly different, and definitely amazing. With Beau, it had always been more or less the same. Beau liked him on his back, or on his hands and knees. There was really no variety, he realised now. No excitement. But with James, he wanted to go through every position he'd heard of and some he hadn't, and carry them out in every inch of his apartment. Hell, maybe even on the fire escape outside if he ever got a craving for that exhibitionist crap. Kendall finally found the strength to lift his head from James' shoulder, smiling and pressing a small peck to his neck as he did so. Then he spotted the dark bruise on the side of James' neck and chuckled, cheeks flushing at the mere concept that it had been him who'd placed it there. "You've got a little something on your neck, Jay."  
   
"Huh?" Stepping back slightly and setting Kendall down, James got out of the tub and walked to the mirror. He wiped some of the condensation away as Kendall switched off the shower and stepped out after him. "Oh." Laughing, James placed his fingers over the hickey, dropping his hand and turning to smirk at Kendall. "That's a big one."  
   
"I just couldn't control myself," Kendall teased, tossing James a towel and drying himself off with another. "I'm half vampire, you know."  
   
"Oh yeah?" James tossed the towel back at Kendall when he'd dried himself off, smacking him in the face with it. "Funny, I see nothing even remotely sparkly about you."  
   
"Idiot," Kendall retorted for lack of a better comeback, tossing the towels back at him and walking off into the living room. He retrieved his underwear from the floor and tugged them on, flinging himself down onto the bed and bouncing slightly as he landed. James rolled his eyes at him, put his glasses back on and got dressed, leaving his shoes off and kneeling on the bed beside him. He wrapped an arm around Kendall's waist and tugged him upwards, kissing him. Kendall kissed back happily, giving a little sigh and threading a hand slowly through James' damp hair. James pulled back a moment or two later, catching Kendall's lip between his teeth for a second and letting it snap back into place. "I take back what I said," he murmured at last, forehead pressed against Kendall’s. "Your eyes are pretty sparkly."  
   
"Stop with that crap," Kendall retaliated, sitting back and folding his hands together on his knees. "I don't fall for that corny stuff."  
   
"But it’s true!"  
   
"Keep, trying, it's never going to work!" Kendall called over his shoulder as he got off the bed. "Shouldn't you be getting home?"  
   
James sighed, getting up and putting on his shoes. "I guess I should . . ."  
   
"Then go," Kendall laughed, pushing James lightly towards the window. "I can take care of myself, rich boy." His voice took on a tenderer and loving tone as he added, "I'll see you soon, yeah?"  
   
"Of course." James hopped out of the window, Kendall leaning out and handing him his jacket. James slipped it on, grinning at him through the window as the blond folded his arms on the sill and leaned out towards him. "I still have to give you back your scarf," James said at last, sighing. "I can never remember it."   
   
"Oh, don't worry about it." Kendall smirked. "You're just always so excited to see me that nothing else is on your mind, right?"  
   
"Oh, definitely." Of course, James would never admit if this was even close to true. There was also that fact that seeing it hanging in his house like it belonged there gave him a sense of comfort. He wasn't sure how much he really wanted to give it up. "See ya, basket case," he teased, leaning in and kissing him quickly, before stepping back towards the stairs. "Close your window!" He yelled over his shoulder as he made his way down the steps. "You're half naked and you’re gonna catch your death!" He cheerily kicked a bit of snow as he hit the ground level, turning around to see Kendall’s window sliding shut.  
   
Every time James walked into the house, he liked to glance to his left and see Kendall's colourful striped scarf hanging where he'd left it like always. It was as cheerful as any 'Welcome Home' sign. However, today he didn't get a chance to glance anywhere. He'd taken one step into the hallway when suddenly Shay appeared in front of him, scowling with his arms crossed. "Oh, hi Shay," James greeted brightly, hoping his cheery grin would become contagious and the little blond might cheer up. No such luck.  
   
"Don't just say hi like that to me, Jamie!" Shay snapped. Even like this he still used that adorable little pet name. "You've been gone for hours! Again!"  
   
"Babe, it's nothing," James replied casually, moving away from hm. "I was just . . ." He was stuck for an excuse, as he often was. However, this time. He was interrupted when Shay sharply grabbed his sleeve and held him there.   
   
"You're always disappearing on me," Shay whined, tugging at his sleeve. "Where do you keep going?"  
   
"Nowhere," James replied quickly, shaking his arm from Shay's tight grip. "Look, I've just got a lot on my mind lately . . ."  
   
"How long can something possibly be on someone's mind?" Shay demanded, scowling up at him. "I'm sick of this!" He stomped his foot. Then he suddenly gasped, eyes widening. "What. Is on. Your neck?!"  
   
"Oh." James winced, hand automatically coming up to cover his skin. "Babe, it's nothing!"  
   
"Someone gave you that!" Shay wailed in dismay, tears gathering in his eyes. "It's a hickey! Someone gave it to you, you’re cheating on me!!"  
   
"No!" James protested frantically, waving his hands and shaking his head. Shay’s hands angrily smacked against his chest, making him tense up with the pain and grab his hands, holding them still. "Shay, listen to me," he said determinedly. "I was at a strip club."  
   
Shay stopped sobbing, eyes widening as he sniffled. "A s-strip club?"  
   
James nodded, telling himself to keep calm, keep calm, keep calm, so his heartbeat wouldn't give anything away. "One of the dancers gave it to me, I tried to push him off but you know what they're like . . ."  
   
"I really don't."  
   
"Oh, right. Yeah." James gave a wry smile, drying Shay's cheeks. "I always forget that, don't I? I'm sorry. Forgive me?"  
   
Shay frowned at him, arms freed and folded over his chest. At last he nodded, smiling and leaping forward to give James a warm hug. "Of course I do, Jamie. I love you."  
   
"I love you too," James murmured softly, hugging him back and shutting his eyes. When he opened them again, the first thing he saw was the coat hooks by the door. There was something missing. It looked distinctly greyer, duller. "Hey, Shay?" He pulled back, frowning in puzzlement. "Where's Kendall's scarf?"  
   
"Huh?" Instantly Shay's expression turned cold. "What scarf?"  
   
"He left it here the day he cleaned the stove." James shook his head, slapping his palm lightly against his forehead. "I'm continuously forgetting to give it back to him, it's ridiculous. Where did it go?"  
   
"Oh, I'm sure it's under a jacket somewhere," Shay replied sharply, glaring up at him with a look James had never seen in his face before. He failed to recognise what it was, putting it aside as that mild jealousy Shay had always felt towards Kendall. Of course, there were reasons he should be jealous, but the blond didn't need to know that. And neglecting any possibilities of danger or negativity, like he always did, James headed off to the kitchen and announced he was going to get himself a snack, leaving Shay standing in the hallway with his dark, freely developing thoughts.  
   


* * *

  
Kendall was sitting on his couch, legs crossed underneath him in the lotus position with his book balanced on his lap. He'd read this at least ten times before; the pages were all bent somewhere, the colour on the spine of the cover faded with creases, a stain on one of the pages probably from when he'd fallen asleep reading and eating at the same time back when he was in high school. Merlin sat on the other end of the couch, washing his face with loud slobbery licks. "Keep it down," Kendall chuckled, turning the page into his favourite chapter. "I've got my own things to do here." Merlin pointedly ignored him and carried on.   
   
Kendall felt a slight chill on his bare arms and glanced up, sighing when he saw he'd left the window open again. "I need to hang a sign up or something," he murmured grudgingly, marking the page in his book and snapping it shut, tossing it on the couch and getting to his feet. As he walked over to the window, he suddenly heard the clang of quick and dainty footsteps on the stairs outside. Before he could lean out and see who it was, a great weight suddenly crashed into his chest and he was knocked onto his back, the wind ripped from his chest as he lay there in shock. At last, he got up on his elbows and looked up. Shay was standing above him, in front of the window. "Hey, home wrecker," he greeted in a cutting voice, jaw and fists clenched. "I thought I'd stop by and pay you a visit."  
   
Scrambling back on his heels, Kendall shakily got to his feet. Standing at full height, he and Shay were eye to eye. It was bizarre, to be facing someone who looked so like him. Like his reflection in the mirror had just been altered a little, and made more beautiful. And more terrifying. "What the fuck do you want?" Kendall demanded, trying to keep his voice authoritative. He reminded himself that this was his territory they were standing on. He should have the upper hand here.  
   
However, he was a human with very little upper body strength or fitness training, and Shay was a robot with all of that automatically built inside of him. And he was very, very angry.  
   
"Don't act like you're so innocent!" Shay screeched in rage, striding forward. Kendall stepped back perfectly in time with him, until suddenly his back smacked off the wall and he had nowhere left to go. "I know what you did with my Jamie!!"  
   
Kendall, like the reckless idiot he was, couldn't help smirking. "I think what you mean is, you know what your Jamie did with _me_."  
   
Next thing he knew, his head was thrown back against the wall with a hard smack across the face. Shay's chest was heaving, and he looked as though he wanted to cry, scream, and beat Kendall to death all in one. Kendall clutched his red and burning cheek as Shay roared, "Stay away from him or you'll be sorry!!"  
   
Kendall straightened up again, breathing hard with the adrenaline pumping through his veins at high speed. "No," he replied slowly but loud and firm. "Why should I?"  
   
 _I have feelings for him_ , he wanted to say. _Really strong feelings. And guess what, maybe he feels them for me too. He's made it pretty clear. Quite a few times, I'll add.  
_    
However, he didn't get a chance to say any of this. Shay's arm lashed out quick and deadly as a cobra and his hand clenched tightly around Kendall's throat. Kendall gasped, eyes bulging as his hands gripped Shay's hand and tried to yank it off. But his fingers stayed tight, and wouldn't budge. Kendall tried to suck a sufficient amount of air in, but Shay's hold cut most of it off. "This is why you should back off," Shay sneered, showing no exertion at this murderous act. If anything, he seemed stronger than ever. Kendall hadn't known that the Lovers could do things like this. He wondered if it was right, or if there was something seriously wrong with him.  
   
He also wondered if Shay would kill him before he had a chance to find out.  
   
"It would be so, so easy," Shay continued, his other hand placed carefully over the one throttling Kendall. He shook him back and forth, the blond's head and body flopping feebly as he said, "All I'd need to do was turn my hands just so, and your neck would snap. Like a little wishbone. And nobody would even fucking miss you."  
   
 _James would miss me. I know he would . . . oh god, I can't breathe . . .  
_    
Then Kendall suddenly heard a snarl, coming not from Shay, but from the floor. The protective instincts that Kendall and Merlin had for each other had taken over, and this small animal was under the illusion he could come to the rescue. In any other situation, maybe he could. But right now Kendall just wanted him out of there.  
   
Merlin hissed, back arched, tail puffed out and ears flat against his head. He lashed out against Shay's leg and sank his claws in. "Merlin, _no!!_ " Kendall choked frantically, still squirming desperately against Shay's hold around his throat. His hands clasped at Shay's sleeve. His scratches left no marks on his smooth skin. He may have looked human, but he was the furthest from it that Kendall had ever seen.  
   
Then Shay, face contorted on a snarl, reached down and grabbed Merlin by the scruff of the neck. And he threw his arm back and flung him with all this strength against the opposite wall. Kendall let out an agonised cry as the cat smashed against the wall with a barely audible yelp, falling on the ground in a limp and still heap. He didn't get back up.  
   
"M-Merlin!" Kendall sobbed, struggling harder and kicking out. Tears blurred his vision as he tried to keep his eyes on both Shay and Merlin at the same time. Shay's hold on his throat tightened and as a tear trickled down his cheek, his head began to spin as the air was cut off from his lungs. Then suddenly he was being let go and was thrown onto the floor. He lay there coughing and gasping, a hand massaging his throat until he finally dared to glance up at Shay, who was smirking as he watched the trembles wracking Kendall's body.  
   
"Aww, now you're crying?" Shay said, lip pouting. But it only lasted a second before his mouth curled back up into that evil smile. "I know it hurts, sweetie, believe me. But you've just gotta get over it; I'm what James wants, not you, me. That's why I'm here, right? You're just a distraction. If you didn't look like a dirtier and much less attractive version of me, he wouldn't even have looked at you. Just think about that."  
   
Kendall gave him a mutinous glare, trying to pour all the anger he felt towards this monster into it. But he still felt so weak, and so pathetic. When Shay crouched down to look him right in the eyes, he wanted to yank that blond hair right out of the roots, or whatever they were attached to on this hunk of metal. "Stay away form James," Shay said slowly and darkly. "For your own good." Then he straightened up, that cold sneer suddenly melted into the same innocent, happy-go-lucky mask he always wore. "See you around, or not!" he chirped, skipping towards the window, past Merlin who still hadn't moved. In another second, he had vanished.  
   
Kendall eventually found the strength to stand up, one hand clutching his neck as he groaned in pain. "M-Merlin . . ." He stumbled over to where his cat lay and fell to his knees, weeping as he reached out a shaky hand to touch him. "Oh god, Merlin . . ."  
   
At Kendall's touch, Merlin's eye blinked open. He gave a tiny, feeble meow and Kendall cried harder, arms giving away as he lay on the floor beside him, hand slowly stroking his back and trying to soothe him. But Merlin gave a weak hiss and then Kendall felt the lumps, the distortion of his spine. He felt nauseous, having to get shakily to his feet and run into the bathroom, throwing up and gagging and spluttering over the toilet, sobbing. He felt too hot, but he was shivering violently and couldn't stop. He got to his feet and ran out back into the living room, grabbing his jacket and hat and putting them on. Reaching down by the couch, he picked up a cardboard box he'd previously filled with some books and magazines and turned it upside down, tipping them out. One of the harder and bigger copies landed on his foot, but he hardly felt it. "You're going to be okay," he called in as calm a voice as he could, hoping this reassurance would help Merlin to hold on somehow. "I p-promise, you'll be okay."  
   
He tossed a sweater and a shirt into the box, laying them out and arranging them so they made a blanket on the bottom of the box. He placed it on the floor beside Merlin, and carefully slid his hands under him to lift him up. Merlin yowled in pain, Kendall whimpered out his distraught apologies he placed him down in the box. He got another shirt and lay it over Merlin a little, just to keep him warm, even though he really didn't need it. He picked up the box and walked to the window, stepping out and tugging it down with his free hand. He left it a little bit open so he could get back in. If anyone did break in, he really had nothing worth stealing anyway. And even if he came back and things were missing, what did it matter? He just kept his eyes on Merlin as he slowly walked down the steps. He kept an eye on his belly in particular, so he could see that he was still breathing.  
   
As he walked down the street and intercepted some puzzled looks from many passer-bys, his heartbreak didn't lessen. However, it was covered over with an instinctive rage. The kind a mother or a friend would feel if someone were to hurt her child or if their best friend had been injured. Or the way that animals in the wild would protect their young, their families from harm. Merlin was his family. And Shay had hurt him. That was not okay with him.  
   
He was angry with James for causing him this. It was his boyfriend, his doll, under his control. The moron couldn't even keep his dumbass twink from running wild and almost killing him and Merlin. His eyes swelled with tears as he glanced down again. Merlin lay in the box curled up against his sweater, mewling feebly and clearly in pain. "Shh," he murmured soothingly, holding the box close to his chest and sending a death glare towards anyone who passed. They steered clear of him. "Its okay baby, you're gonna be fine." If only he believed it himself.  
   
He knew where the closest veterinary clinic to his apartment block was by heart. He'd passed it many times, glancing at the sign on the large front window with the little logo of a dog with floppy ears. The last time he'd been in there was months ago, just after he first found Merlin and he needed his operation. That has cost him almost a whole jar's worth of savings, and since then he'd chosen to look after Merlin and treat him based on his own instincts, unless there was an emergency. He was desperate and afraid and worried; if this wasn't an emergency, he didn't know what was. Holding the box closer and supporting it underneath with his free arm, he pushed the door open and walked into the waiting room.  
   
Instantly the room filled with a flurry of barks as the dogs smelled this new and exciting visitor. Their owners gave him and his cardboard box a perplexed and disdainful look, clutching into their strong posh leather leashes tighter with their bony fingers. Kendall sat far away from them, watching them warily and keeping the box on his lap, one arm around it and his other hand soothingly rubbing over Merlin's head and the back of his ears. Merlin gave another pathetic meow and closed his eyes. Kendall decided to leave him be; maybe if he was rested the pain wouldn't be so intense. At least, he hoped so. He was the only person with a cat. The only other three people in there had a German shepherd, a little black and white puppy and a terrier with large dark eyes and a small fluffy tail, which was wagging in enthusiasm as she tried to scramble across the floor towards the bigger dogs.  
   
Kendall tentatively placed the box on the empty chair beside him and got up, hurrying over to the front desk where the receptionist had had her eye on him for the last minute or so. "I need to have my cat seen," he told her hurriedly. "He's really badly hurt. He got hit by a car." The lie was quick. Easy to create and stick with. And when he thought about it in technical terms, cars were made of metal. So was Shay. Though telling the truth that he was hit by a hunk of metal would seem very vague. "Please," he pleaded.  
   
The young woman looked sympathetic and turned towards her computer. "Owner and pet names?" she asked.  
   
"Kendall Knight, and his name is Merlin."  
   
"Well, two of the dogs here are only visiting for a check-up and a booster shot, the third is getting his leg checked out so he'll take a little longer. But I wouldn't say you'll be waiting more than two hours. Dr Bitters will see you then." She glanced up at him. "Sorry about that, but since you don't have an appointment—"  
   
"It's fine, I'll wait. Thank you." Kendall sat back down and hefted the box back onto his lap. For the time that he was waiting, he contemplated what he was going to do. Obviously, the first thing on his list was to take care of Merlin and make sure he was okay. But after that . . .   
   
James was different. Not that Kendall could really talk; it wasn't as though he'd had much experience with dating various people. But James, there was certainly something unique about him, as stupid as it sounded. On the other hand, while he was incredibly sweet, he was also incredibly stupid. Thinking he could just flit back and forth between him and Shay as he pleased, because he couldn't make up his mind or didn't know what he felt or couldn't make any kind of substantial decision without his hand being held. There was also that whole teeny little problem of Shay turning psycho and almost ripping him to shreds over having sex with his boyfriend.   
   
It hadn't even been an hour and a half before Kendall was called up, and he quickly picked up his box and ran off into the room. The vet was standing at his examination table, and raised an eyebrow when he saw the box. "I've been told there's a cat in there?"  
   
"Yeah," Kendall replied, setting the box down on the table. "I-I don't wanna take him out, it’ll hurt him . . ."  
   
"We have to," the vet told him patiently, reaching into the box. The yowl Merlin let out as he was scooped out of the box and placed on the table brought tears to Kendall's eyes. "You're hurting him!!" he cried, finger quickly scratching behind Merlin's ear until his crying and hissing died down a little. "Its okay sweetie, its okay . . ."  
   
"Hey. Just calm down," the older man told him firmly, taking his hands and pushing them back. He glanced at Kendall's stricken face and softened his tone slightly. "I'll be gentle with him, don't worry. I just need to check him out."  
   
Kendall's hands dropped to his sides, curled into tight fists as he nodded his head slightly. "Y-yeah, okay."  
   
Dr Bitters, his rubber gloves snapped tight on his hands, started to examine Merlin slowly and carefully, brow furrowed in concentration. Kendall watched nervously, ready to reach out and comfort the cat if he chose to lash out and scratch the vet. He wouldn't have put it past him, even in this state. "Katie said he got hit by a car," he stated thoughtfully, not as a question. But Kendall nodded anyway, biting his lip and watching intently.  
   
Eventually Dr Bitters straightened up, sighing and turning to Kendall. "There's a fracture in his vertebrae. He's going to need spinal surgery, comes with an overnight stay."  
   
"Um, w-when do you think you can do the surgery?" Kendall asked nervously.  
   
"Soon as possible, but it might not be until tonight, or even tomorrow morning—"  
   
"Can he stay here until then? Please?"  
   
Dr Bitters opened his mouth to speak, but Kendall cut him off, face burning with the shame of the tear that slipped down his cheek. "I don't care if it costs me more, I-I have to work and I can't take care of him, I don't want him to be by himself when he's in pain! Please!!"  
   
"I charge $14 per overnight stay," the vet replied firmly. "And the surgery is going to cost you at least $600."  
   
Kendall winced. But he kept eye contact and said slowly, "I don't care. I'll pay for it. I just want him to get better."  
   
Dr Bitters was writing some notes down on a little pad by his table. He looked up at Kendall and nodded, giving a small smile. "If you want to see him after the surgery, come tomorrow at about 5pm. It'll be long over by then, but he might be a bit groggy. You might be better off waiting until the next day."  
   
"Okay," Kendall nodded quickly to show he was listening. "I'll come and collect him and pay you the bill on Tuesday. Thank you so, so much."  
   
Although he was furious with him, and upset with him too, Kendall was thankful that James had given him that guitar. It'd be much easier to make money with that than with selling magazines. He wasn't sure how much money was contained in his jar of savings, and how much extra he might have to work to pay for Merlin’s surgery. If he didn't have some food left in his fridge, he might be going without dinner tonight. He'd live with that.  
   
But the other lengths he had to go to, to protect himself and Merlin, as well as to avoid another heartbreak . . . he wasn't sure if he could live with them.  
   


* * *

   
James walked up the fire escape steps, whistling and smiling away to himself. He was looking forward to seeing Kendall today, though that was nothing new.   
   
The window was open when James reached Kendall's floor, and he saw Kendall sitting on the couch, watching television with his head resting on his hand. He knocked on the top of the window, calling out cheerily, "Knock knock!"  
   
Kendall looked around, mouth turned up into a slight smile. This was less of a reaction than he normally received, but then Kendall raised a hand and beckoned him inside, and James hopped in, walking over to him and sitting down on the couch beside him, kissing his cheek. "How are you doing today?" he asked sweetly, running a hand soothingly up his arm. "Did you miss me?"  
   
"Mhm, yeah." Kendall suddenly reached across James and picked up a stray t-shirt lying there. He stood up and walked away, heading over to his dresser and packing the shirt away. But afterwards he just sat down on the bed, picking at a loose thread on the covers. Frowning, James stood up and walked around the couch towards him. He looked around the apartment and suddenly noticed there was something clearly missing. "Hey, where’s Merlin?"  
   
Killing mice, he suspected. Or little kids. But Kendall, eyes on the floor, murmured, "The vet. He needs a spinal operation."  
   
"What?!" Instantly feeling guilty, James hurried forward to hug Kendall, who didn't hug back. "That's terrible! What happened?"  
   
Scooting back, Kendall looked up at James directly in the eyes, and replied bluntly and angrily, "He got attacked by a dog."  
   
"A dog?" Before today, James would've pitied any dog that tried to take on Merlin.  
   
"Yeah. Totally unexpected, really. But I guess I should've seen it coming. I made a mistake and it won’t be happening again."  
   
There was an awkward silence between them for a few minutes. James didn’t know what to say to Kendall's strange and bleak opinion on the dog attack. It wasn't his fault, surely. If a dog had run at Merlin and attacked him, and if it had been big, there really wasn't much he could've done. He had no reason to feel guilty. James was about to tell Kendall this, but he was abruptly interrupted.  
   
"Look, James." Kendall stood up, hands clasped together. The tone of his voice worried James; it was uncaring, dead. Even his green eyes, normally sparkly with life, weren’t today. He looked nothing like James had ever seen him before. And then he said it. "I don't wanna do this anymore."  
   
"Do what?" James asked slowly, frowning and stepped closer to Kendall. His worry only increased when the blond looked at him as though his advance was the worst thing he could've done. The pout on his mouth, he was suddenly seeing, really was nothing like Shay's. He didn't know why he'd thought that before; Kendall looked so much angrier.  
   
"Well, anything," Kendall replied, hands clenching tighter, his whole body stiff and rigid. "With you, that is. I'm just . . . I'm done. I don't want to sleep with you, I don't want to meet with you, I don’t want to see you anymore." His lips pressed together, the colour leaving them so they were almost blended completely into his skin.  
   
James' jaw dropped. "But why?!" He didn't realise how high his panic was until he reached his hands out for Kendall again and saw that they were shaking violently. "I don't understand!!" _Please help me understand. Why would you leave me?  
_    
Kendall stepped away from him again, folding his arms as if to shut him out completely and snapped, "Because! I-I'm sick of being your second choice, okay? I hate hanging out with you here and then knowing you're going back to Shay!"  
   
"But, I . . ."  
   
"You don’t get it, I know." Kendall ran a hand through his hair, giving an aggravated sigh like this whole interaction was so beneath him and he was so done with it. "And I don't mean to be inconsiderate or selfish or whatever the fuck you're thinking, but would you ever get rid of him?"   
   
"What do you mean, get rid of him?"  
   
"Well, send him back to the ACC, obviously. Get him scrapped." Kendall rolled his eyes, staring James down. He felt overwhelmed by the severity of this interrogation.  
   
"Scrapped?" The idea of poor, sweet Shay getting ripped up and crushed and burned horrified him, stressed him to the extent where he began to shake harder. He quickly shook his head, heart sinking because he knew now, that this was the wrong thing to say. "I . . . I-I couldn't do that to him."  
   
"That's what I thought." Kendall pointed towards the window. "You've made your point, James. Now please go away."  
   
"B-but, Kendall," James tried again, uncertain if the idea of losing Kendall was worse. The fact that he could hardly breathe gave him the idea that it was, but the idea of losing Shay tortured him equally, he was sure. "Please, we can talk this out—"  
   
"No, James!! I'm done. Now get out."  
   
The window slammed shut behind James, the curtains shut to block his view from inside the apartment. He could hear and see nothing. For a few minutes, however, he found he couldn’t move from his spot. He was too numb, too shocked.  
   
 _Kendall_ _. . ._  
   
His lungs were tight and burning, his whole body washed over with an overpowering cold. He felt crumpled, and weak, and destroyed. He felt dead. He was sure that at some point, he walked back down the steps, out of the alley and around the corner to where he’d parked his car. Somehow he'd taken the keys out with hands that he couldn't even feel, they could've been floating ten feet away for all he knew. He was sitting in the car, not knowing how he got there. He couldn't hear the street outside, couldn't will his body to move, and bring itself back to life. He couldn't hear his own breathing.  
   
Then again, maybe he wasn't breathing at all.

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

Time was dragging. All Kendall could think was how paralysed he felt, like he was going to be trapped in this bitter and miserable winter until the day he died. He had some awareness that it was still December; it had really only been a day since James had left. Or rather, since Kendall had pushed him out. It felt like months had passed. How could it still be winter? He should've been strolling around in the hot sun by now, but the snow still lay in a wet blanket over the ground and the air still cut at his skin like tiny icicles.  
   
The vet's surgery bill was another $200 extra, for some vaccinations or antibiotics or whatever crap it was. Kendall stared at Dr Bitters blankly, hand tightening slightly and crumbling the money he already held in his hand. "I-I don't have that much," he said weakly, placing his payment on the counter. "That's what I have. $628, like you said." He was relieved; so relieved that he'd chosen to come in and pay the bill today, and collect Merlin tomorrow. After James had left, he'd paced back and forth in his apartment for a while once he had the strength to do so. He'd resorted to stopping by Heather's apartment and borrowing some money from her. She'd had no objections, but he'd felt dirty and cheap and pathetic as he took it from her and put it in his pocket. He had to pay her back as soon as he could; his pride wouldn't allow any less.  
   
"Well, you've got until tomorrow to complete your payment," Katie said, not unreasonably. But Kendall just wanted to grab her and shake her and scream that she just didn't get it. She needed to take a good, long look at him. Did he really look like he'd have that much money to just throw away at a moment's notice? Ignorance was one of his greatest hatreds. "We're not loan sharks or anything like that."  
   
"But, I . . ." Kendall clenched his jaw. At last, he nodded. "I'll be here tomorrow morning. I'll have the money, don't worry." Then he offered a charming smile. "Thank you, for all your help."  
   
 _So, that was the month's bills to pay_ , Kendall thought to himself as he left the clinic, trembling all over inside his coat.  
   
 _And the vet’s bill._  
   
He slipped slightly on the sidewalk as he hurried along the darkening street.  
   
 _And Heather's loan.  
   
And a better bed for Merlin.  
   
And food.  
   
And water.  
_   
Kendall stopped in the middle of the street, leaning against a street lamp and holding onto it tightly, his arms wrapped around it and gripping it for a bit of balance. People passing were probably wondering if he was drunk, or high, or jut insane, but no. He was only broken. Upset, and scared, and worried, and furious, and utterly shattered inside.  
   
So shattered that he resorted to doing something he'd sworn, even as he'd laid in dirty alleyways with a blanket over him to keep the bitter cold away, that he would never do.  
   
He and James, hand in hand, had gone into a pharmacy one afternoon together after he'd closed up his guitar case and packed up his earnings. James had insisted point blank on him buying two things. One was some cold and flu tablets to help him with his sickness. The second was a box of condoms, so that, as James said, he wouldn't have to pack up a truckload every time he showed up. Exaggerating in an endearingly stupid way, like always. Kendall had to quickly sniffle and dry his eyes so he could at least pretend he was still keeping up this strong facade.   
   
There were three condoms left; he tucked them securely into the pocket of his jacket. But this wasn't enough; what if he needed more?   
   
The neighbour down the hall gave a dirty and sleazy kind of smile when Kendall knocked on his door and asked to borrow a couple. He probably assumed that Kendall had a pretty girl in his room, waiting for him. Or a pretty boy, whichever assumptions he'd chosen to make. He'd been more than happy to oblige, handing them over and waving him off with a good-matured, "Have a good time, now!"  
   
Kendall wanted to laugh, and cry all at once.  
   
It was dark out. The reasons Kendall never liked being outside after dark were the men who stumbled drunkenly up and down the streets, bellowing and crashing against any poor innocent bystander who they happened to see. One of them jolted against Kendall's shoulder and almost sent him flying to the ground. The apology he received was a laugh and the stench of alcohol clotting his senses until the man moved on, and he could breathe again. He hated seeing women stumbling along beside them, equally stupid and doped up on whatever they'd been taking. He always worried about where any of these people would end up, even though he really shouldn't have cared. Most of all, he hated seeing the occasional man or woman lurking on a street corner, or by an alley, waiting for a bit of business. Even in this weather some of the girls wore tiny skirts and high wedges; he didn't know how they could bear it. Some of them dressed more sensibly; the men in particular always did. They didn't dress to catch attention, but everyone knew why they were there.  
   
Kendall found a place to stand and hoped that the right people would know about him, too.  
   
It didn't take long before he did catch someone's attention. He saw straight away that the man had a gold filling in his tooth, and had to shudder. Nobody under forty had those anymore. The alley was darker than the street outside, and it smelled of vomit. Kendall told the man firmly, he wasn't stripping off. It was too cold out, too late. He didn't seem to care. His lips were too dry and cracked and rough against Kendall's neck, it felt wrong and harsh and he wanted to shove him off. He was glad he could just stare at the wall, hands and chest pressed up against it and pretend he was somewhere else. It was hard to, with the stranger plowing into him painfully, his grunts right in his ear and his hands all over him, under his coat and over his bare thighs. And it was even harder when he suddenly realised that he had no happy place left to think about.  
   
The man's payment was pushed into his hand, he heard the sound of a belt being buckled up, and he was gone. Kendall slowly peeled himself back from the wall and pulled his jeans back up, tying them and pretending that they were going to stay that way. He saw the used condom lying on the ground, and for a second he stupidly wondered who it belonged to. He wanted to pick it up and throw it away; he hated littering, but the thought of touching it made bile rise in his throat, and he went back to his spot, leaving it there.  
   
Three more times.  
   
Kendall's body ached, his skin was cold, he was developing a bad cough. It was past midnight now, as the fourth man left him standing in the alley with shaky knees and a heart full of hatred. He even gave him a little spank before he sauntered off, whistling like his night had been made. The four condoms lay by his feet.  
   
Two more.  
   
He wondered if the prostitutes were this busy every single night, or if he was just especially popular. The thought of being wanted to so dearly for this made him sick to his stomach.   
   
When he home that night (or morning) he divided his earnings into three sections. One was for Heather. The second was the vet's bill. And the rest was stuffed into his empty jar. But it looked wrong. It was dirty money; he wanted to give it back. He wanted to take it all back.  
   
He went to bed alone and tried not to hate himself too much.  
   


* * *

   
James sat slumped against the piano, forefinger jabbing slightly at one of the keys. He couldn't concentrate enough to know which it was, but it rang out in an ear-piercing shriek through the otherwise silent room. He tried to lift his other hand, maybe just his other fingers and play some kind of note he could bear to listen to. But he felt numb.  
   
"James, please stop that."  
   
James turned around and saw Carlos standing at the door, leaning against it with his arms folded. "Hi," was all James could murmur, gaze dropping to the floor as his hand slid off the piano keys, striking that shrill note one more time before his hand slumped into his lap. "What are you doing here?"  
   
"Logan's studying, I wanted to check up on you, Shay let me in," Carlos explained simply, walking over and sitting on the stool. "So, how are you?"  
   
"Oh. I'm . . . I'm okay."  
   
"You are, yeah." Carlos rolled his eyes. "I've known you for four years. More, I'd say. You're not fine. You're miserable."  
   
"Fine, I'm miserable. Okay?" James' hand slammed down on the piano, making Carlos jump with fright. "It was all a big stupid mistake!" he snarled. "I don't love him and I was stupid to think that I might, it was all just my imagination because he was different!! I just fooled myself into thinking I was falling for him and—"  
   
A smack over his head knocked him onto the floor. He whimpered slightly in shock, hand his head as he glared up at Carlos. "What was that for?!"  
   
"To shut you up," Carlos retorted, patting the empty spot beside him on the stool. "Now sit back up here and let me explain something to you."  
   
Giving a grudging sigh, James got up and sat down again, staring ahead with hard eyes. Whatever Carlos was going to say to him, he didn't particularly want to hear it. He wasn't interested in a lecture, or a telling off about his stupidity.  
   
But Carlos didn't intend on either of these. "James, falling in love doesn't happen like that."  
   
"It doesn't?" James turned to stare at Carlos, frowning in confusion. "I . . . what do you know about that?"  
   
"Because, James." Carlos rested a hand on his shoulder. "I realised it when I was in love with Logan, and I waited until I knew he loved me too. I just know. Look, falling in love doesn't happen slowly. If it did, it wouldn't be falling, would it? It'd be like, a slow descent down some steps or something. But it's not; you fall head over heels and it happens like that." He snapped his fingers. "Now, I'm not saying that this means you fall in love with someone immediately. That doesn't happen. You might know someone for only a day before you love them, or you might know them for years. But when you actually fall in love with them, it happens in an instant. And you know. The length of time you've known that person doesn't make it any less real, you just can't help it."  
   
"Okay, Dr Love," James said, putting on a teasing time for a moment before he sobered up again. "So, what exactly are you trying to tell me?"  
   
"I'm telling you that deep down, you know how you feel. You might not be sure of what you want, but you know how you feel. So basically, you have to decide, if you want what's perfect and secure." He paused, giving a small sigh. "Or if you want what's real."  
   
 _What's real . . ._  
   
He didn't realise Carlos had upped and left the room until he lifted his arms to play the piano again, and found he had plenty of room to manoeuvre them. He glanced up and saw the door hanging open. He wanted to call Carlos back, get him to explain more and ask him what he thought he should do. But he had a strong suspicion Carlos wouldn't have responded to either of these calls.  
   
His fingers darted across the piano keys as he played out a song he hadn't played in a long time. Maybe he could start writing music again.   
   
Maybe he could get Kendall to sing it for him.  
   


* * *

   
Around him, the city buzzed with festivity. People walked around with a smile on their faces, a little springing in their step. Soon they'd all be eating with their families, opening presents and singing carols at the tops of their voices. Christmas used to be his favourite time of the year.  
   
"It's really close, you know," Logan said as he and James walled along the sidewalk, hands in their coat pockets to keep them warm. White steam puffed out in front of his face as he continued, "Christmas Day. In two days, as a matter of fact. Got everything ready?"  
   
James nodded dully. "Shay took care of it." In other words, he couldn't find himself getting into the Christmas spirit very well, it had been too difficult; he'd had to bite his tongue hard to stop himself from suggesting they get Chinese takeout when Christmas Eve came around. Fortunately, he'd kept his mouth shut. Instead of speaking, all he could do was think of Kendall instead, and miss him. Miss the way he blushed every time he sneezed, and how sometimes when they lay together in the evenings and Kendall had drifted off to sleep, James would just lie there with him, arms wrapped around him as he lazily counted the freckles over his shoulders and his nose, just so he had an excuse to keep looking at him. He wanted to do that again. Hell, he wanted it right now. He just wanted to go back and change what had happened. He could still hear Kendall's sad, angry and resigned tone in his head, along with the clash of loud music and laughter.  
   
 _So casually cruel in the name of being honest . . ._  
   
Suddenly James froze, right in the middle of the street. Someone grunted and crashed into his back, muttering curse words in his direction as they walked on. Logan stared up at him, frowning. Somewhere in the distant he heard him ask, "What's wrong with you?" But all he could hear was another voice, singing a song he knew all too well, and the sound of an acoustic six string. Without thinking about what he was doing, James gripped Logan's arm and hurried forward, ignoring the shorter's loud protests of how James was squeezing his arm and where the heck were they going anyway.  
   
He saw the black guitar case on the ground before he saw him. Kendall stood there, dressed in his usual winter gear; minus his scarf, of course. He also wore black gloves n his hands that were cut off at the fingers as his fingers played the strings of the guitar like he'd been a natural all his life. He was singing, voice full of that tireless energy that the people seemed to enjoy, and paid him generously enough for, keeping that Christmas spirit in tow. But James could see that his mind was elsewhere. He'd grown to know that expression like the back of his hand.  
   
Right now Kendall was taking a break, just strumming a little instrumental in his song, breath puffing out in white smoke from between his lips. James stumbled over, leaving Logan behind and a good distance away. He dropped a five dollar bill into the case, hen he suddenly realised as he looked up, that he was standing right in front of Kendall. "Um . . ." He gave a nervous smile. "H-hi."  
   
"Hi James," Kendall replied breezily, still strumming.  
   
"How've you been?" James asked at last, watching the way Kendall tapped his foot on the ground to keep in time, then looked up again at how his brow was furrowed ever so slightly in concentration. Music was made for him.  
   
"I've been okay," Kendall answered slowly, biting his lip and strumming a little slower and softer. "What about you?"  
   
"I've been . . . well, um . . ." Clasping his hands together behind his head, James mumbled at last, "I miss you."  
   
"Sorry?" Kendall said after one particularly loud and aggressive strum down. "I didn't catch that."  
   
"N-nothing. I said," James glanced back at Logan who he could just about see through the crowds. He was looking at him sympathetically. "I said Merry Christmas," he finished lamely, looking back at Kendall. "Have a good one, I guess."  
   
Kendall gave a small smile that immediately weakened James at the knees and made his heart flutter uncontrollably. "Merry Christmas to you too."  
   
James just wanted to take Kendall in his arms and kiss him and beg him to take him back. But he couldn't. It was only then that he realised somewhere along the line, Kendall had stopped playing. The blond didn't seem to realise it at all. At last he cleared his throat, stepping back and offering a carefree grin. "Well, I'll let you get back to work. You're really good."  
   
"Thank you." And with that, Kendall began strumming again and trying to remember where he'd left off.  
   
He didn't seem to until James had turned away from him and was making his way down the street with Logan in tow. "You keep my old scarf from that very first week, 'cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me . . ."  
   
"You can't get rid of it," Kendall sang, and as James glanced back at him with an agonising burn in his chest, he felt as though the blond were crying out to him. But of course, if he really was, he would've done it in words. He would've made himself clear. He was never the type to just hint at what he wanted. And James loved that about him. It was one of the things he missed most.  
   
"James, come on," Logan said softly, tugging at his sleeve. "It's no use watching him, okay? It’s not going to help you."  
   
The only person that could help him felt a million miles away. James tried to say this, but all that came out was a tiny pathetic whisper. All he could say was, "I miss him.”  
   
"When I loved you so, back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known."  
   
"I know you do," Logan said a little louder as to take James' attention away from Kendall and back to him. "But you need to think rationally, and you can't do that here and now. Let's go back to your place, okay? I'll drive."  
   
James sighed at last, body slumping as he slid his hands into his pockets. "Okay, fine." He left Kendall behind, singing about what could have been.  
   
Back in his living room, Logan sat him down on the couch and slumped down next to him. "So, that's what he looks like. I've been wondering," he said with a light chuckle.  
   
"Yeah," James said softly, sighing wistfully to himself.  
   
"He does look a lot like Shay. Only Shay is more . . ."  
   
"Polished?"  
   
"Yeah. I guess that's the word I'd use. Does Shay think so?"  
   
"If you asked, he'd probably say he was much prettier. He's not exactly president of the Kendall Knight fan club."  
   
"No, I don't suppose he would be." Logan shot a slightly disapproving glance on the door, where he assumed Shay lurked somewhere else in the house.  
   
Then James groaned, hands raking though his hair. "I just miss him like crazy, and there he was right in front of me. I'm such an idiot. I could've at least asked him how Merlin was doing!"  
   
"Merlin?" Logan's brow furrowed in confusion. "Who's Merlin, a friend of his?"  
   
"No," James replied, chuckling a little fondly. "He's his monster cat. He needed spinal surgery, I think it was pretty serious."  
   
"Oh god, that's terrible," Logan gasped, looking pained. He's always been a big lover of cats, any shape or size. "Still, I guess living in the city comes with the risk of accidents like that . . . did the driver offer any help at all?"  
   
"Driver?" James echoed. He shook his head quickly, "No, Logan, that's not it at all. There wasn't a car accident or anything. He got attacked by a dog."  
   
"A dog." The statement was pointed, somewhat sarcastic. Logan's bottom lip jutted out as he clasped his hands together on his lap, clenching his lips together before blowing out a puff of air in a resigned tone and saying, "James, a dog couldn’t have done that."  
   
James just stared at him blankly.  
   
Looking him right in the eye, Logan delved into his vast back of medical knowledge and continued in a patient but slightly worried tone. "You see, a dog attacks a cat to kill it, otherwise all it does is chase it a little and bark. I know that much from when I had cats and dogs growing up. A dog goes for the neck if they want to kill something. If anything, it would’ve snapped Merlin's neck. There would've been a lot of blood, it would've killed him. He couldn't have just damaged a cat's spine without hurting anything else, or without killing it."  
   
"I . . ." James suddenly felt this already devastating facade crumbling into something stranger, and much worse. "Are you sure? Why would he lie to me about that if Merlin got hit by a car?"  
   
"I don't know. Maybe . . ." Logan sighed. "Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, and you might get mad, but . . . look. What if it wasn't a dog, and it wasn't a car?"  
   
"What else could it have been?"  
   
"Well . . . Shay."  
   
"What?!" James gaped at him, outraged. "Logan, Shay would never do that! He's too sweet! What's wrong with you?!"  
   
"Hey, listen," Logan snapped. "Just hear me out. He doesn't like it when you mention Kendall."  
   
"Yeah, so?"  
   
"That's not the point here. Listen." Logan's hands clasped tighter. "Okay, I'll explain it like this. Shay only has one purpose in his life. There is one reason he was created. What is that?"  
   
Feeling like he was in kindergarten again. James answered slightly uncertainly. "To be my boyfriend."  
   
"Exactly. Now, someone has come along and is threatening to take that away from him."  
   
"But I'm sure he knows Kendall doesn't mean to . . ."  
   
"James, don't you see? That's irrelevant!" Suddenly Logan's hands were gripping his shoulder and he was shaking him. "I swear, if I only had one reason to be alive and someone tried to take it from me, I would not be happy! Would you?"  
   
"No."  
   
"What would you do?"  
   
"Well, I'd . . ." Suddenly it dawned on him. "I'd want them out of the way," James whispered. "I'd hate them for it."  
   
"You would, wouldn't you? You'd want them out of your way no matter what."  
   
"Yeah, I would."  
   
"Now, picture that you don't feel any morals or any emotions that aren't related to this life purpose you have. For instance, Shay feels nothing but love and devotion to you. He feels no positive emotions for anybody else. He has no morals in relation to anybody else."  
   
It was piercing together, how Shay had initially given off a threatening vibe when Carlos and Logan first met him. Those sudden moments when his eyes turned hard and steely and James felt very much afraid of him, if even for a millisecond before that look was gone again. But it had definitely been there and he was only just starting to realise that. "Logan . . ." James took a deep breath, letting it out in an exhausted sigh. "Shay hurt Merlin, didn't he?"  
   
"I think so, James."  
   
"Because he's jealous of my relationship with Kendall."  
   
"He really is."  
   
"Because I love him." This was said with a new spark, a different certainty that he'd never spoken those words with before.  
   
"Do you? You're sure about this?"  
   
"I really do. And yeah . . . I'm sure. And you know me, I'm never sure."  
   
"Then you need to tell him."  
   
"I don't know how."  
   
"If you do really love him, it'll come to you."  
   
"I guess it will." James gave a mournful sigh. Part of his heart felt heavy, but he knew that soon he would be happy again, he hoped. "I have to get rid of Shay first."  
   
"You can call the ACC and they'll take care of it."  
   
"He'll be scrapped."  
   
"I know."  
   
"I . . ." James sniffled, embarrassed by this overpowering affection part of him still felt for Shay. "Do you think it'll hurt him?"  
   
"No. In fact, he'll probably be deactivated when it happens. He won't even notice."  
   
"Okay . . ."  
   
Logan picked up James' phone from the coffee table and handed it to him. "Here, go make the call."  
   
James nodded, slowly getting to his feet. "Thanks Logan."  
   
"No problem, James." Logan grinned reassuringly up at hm. "This whole thing will work out, okay?"  
   
James nodded again, leaving the room and walking into the kitchen. He checked all around in every possible hiding place to make sure it was empty. Then he checked once more and closed the door carefully behind him. Hurrying over to the bottom drawer next to the fridge, where he kept takeout menus and manuals on the kitchen appliances, he slid open the drawer to see Shay's manual lying on top. The pages were neat, the lack of usage clear at first glance. He picked it up and saw the ACC's phone number written in the bottom left corner. He punched it in, his thumb aching slightly and his whole hand shaking a little. Kendall's hands always shook; he wondered if they were this much of an inconvenience to him as they were to James right now. But thinking about Kendall made his heart pound and every inch of him ache, so he pushed those thoughts aside hurriedly and pressed the button to dial, holding the phone up to his ear and waiting. He walked to the kitchen counter and stood by it, eyes firmly on the door.  
   
It rang quite a few times before anybody answered. Naturally, this gave him more time to panic and wonder if he was doing the right thing. But then, mercifully, somebody picked up at last. _"Absolute Companionship Co.! What can I do for you?"_ a peppy male voice sounded over the phone.  
   
James' heart pounded and he gripped the counter slightly. Oh god, here we go . . ."Um, h-hi. My name is James Diamond. I bought a Lover back in September. I want to return it."  
   
 _"Oh, that's too bad!"_ The man on the other side's voice took on a slightly condescending the as he added, _"You know if it's been used you can't get any money back for it."  
_    
James flinched at the word 'used', no need to ask what he meant by it. "I know that. But I don't want him anymore, and he has to go somewhere."  
   
 _"No problem, sir. I'm going to need the ID of your Lover so I find your purchase details, if you don't mind."_  
   
"The ID?"  
   
 _"It's a combination of numbers and letters, sir. It should be taped to the inside of your manual."_  
   
"My manual, right . . . okay, just a second." He picked it up, reaching over to press his phone to his near again as he opened the front cover and read out the ID. It felt so strange; as though he was looking at a copy of Shay's birth certificate. The proof and details of Shay's birth were nothing but a combination to be entered into a computer and saved in a database. Like the license plate on his car.  
   
 _"Thank you! We'll deactivate your Lover on arrival, then we'll take it back to the plant with us."_  
   
 _It. Stop calling him it._ "Okay. And, um, when will that be?"  
   
 _"Unfortunately, sir, this is our last working day before Christmas vacation. Our products are never very popular until after the holidays when people wanna use their gift cards and such. During the vacation people tend to go more for the ILC. You know, Instant Lovers?"_  
   
"Oh, y-yeah." _Live sex dolls. Merry Christmas to you too._ "So, when can you come and pick him up?"  
   
 _"We re-open on the 26th, and I'll call you when I've got a pickup time for the Lover. That sound okay?"_  
   
"I . . ." James sighed. "Alright, yeah. Thank you."  
   
 _"No problem, sir! You have a good holiday!"_  
   
"You too . . ." James hung up the phone, sighing. He placed it down on the counter, slumping onto a stool and smacking his lips together. Now he just had to wait. But he couldn't wait until Shay was gone before he tried to get Kendall back. He just couldn't.  
   
That was when he suddenly spotted what was on the kitchen counter. Or rather, what wasn't there. That tall glass with Kendall’s sunflower inside it had vanished. He frowned, getting to his feet and heading towards the kitchen door. He opened it up. "Shay!!" he called as loudly as he should.  
   
Only a few seconds later Shay hurried down the hallway towards him, an angelic and innocent smile on his pretty face as always. "What is it, Jamie?" he purred, fingers slightly trailing up James' arm.  
   
James glanced back at the counter, before looking back at Shay and keeping a careful eye on his expression. "What happened to the sunflower that was on the counter?"  
   
And there it was. That ever so slight darkening look. If he blinked he would've missed it entirely. "Oh, I threw that away. I didn't think you'd want it anymore."  
   
"Why did you think that?"  
   
Shay rolled his eyes, wrapping his arms around James' neck and pecking his lips. "Because, Jamie," he said in a tone that was both sweet and very patronising, "He upped and ditched you, why would you want to be reminded of him? You only need me. Besides, he was just a dumb kid anyway."  
   
"He's nineteen."  
   
"A child, Jamie. You don't need him in your life, he's nothing." Shay kissed him again, giving a teasing smile. "Besides, I'm Kendoll, remember? So just him, only less trashy and so much better for you."  
   
James just nodded, nuzzling his cheek against Shay's briefly before saying, "Okay, you're right. How about you go in and sit with Logan and I'll bring us in some drinks?"  
   
Shay did as he asked and left the room. James immediately hurried over to the trash can, opening it up and glancing inside. Among little pieces of leftover food and peelings and other things, he saw the flower. Only it had been ripped into several pieces, only recognisable now as a pile of paper and plastic. He let the lid of the trash can drop down against with a clang. Clenching his jaw slightly, he went to grab a beer for himself and for Logan. He may have done a lot of stupid things over the last few months. He may have said some bad things and made some shitty choices. But at least now, he knew what he wanted. He just had to figure out how to get it back, and make sure he never lost it again.  
   
As he slumped down later on, alone in his room full of musical instruments, he remembered how Kendall had looked that day out on the street. He'd looked unhappy, maybe because of what had happened between them. Most likely because of that, in fact. But he also recognised that there were only one or two times throughout their relationship that he'd ever seen Kendall look so alive, and so free. He wanted to be able to see him like that again.  
   
 _It was rare, I was there. I remember it all too well._

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

**PART VI - YOU.**

 

_Even if disaster strikes, I close my eyes and then I'm next to you._

 

"Here you go, Merlin," Kendall said soothingly, scratching the back of the cat's neck as he placed the bowl of milk on the floor. Merlin normally didn't drink milk; Kendall tended to save it for himself, and Merlin didn't even want it much. But now Kendall figured he could do with something extra. Merlin only stretched off his new bed far enough to place his two front paws on the floor, lapping up the drink. He wasn't interested in moving much. Kendall had worked all day after taking Merlin home, leaving him sleeping in the apartment. 

Kendall heard a knock on his apartment door and got up, walking over and opening it up. Ronnie, the doorman, was standing there, arms folded and looking bored. There was a food stain on his shirt, like always. "Somebody called," he said in that monotone voice, handing over a crumpled yellow notepad page. "Here."

"Thanks, Ron," Kendall replied, giving him a friendly smile as he took the page. Ronnie left without another word. Maybe to go watch porn in his office, who knew?

Unfolding the page, Kendall looked down at the details scribbled down in Ronnie's untidy and jagged handwriting. _Cleaning bathroom. 1pm today. Get lift outside._ There was no address on the paper. He tossed it down onto the counter and glanced at the clock he'd propped against the wall on the counter months ago. Almost noon. He busied himself with getting ready, leaving Merlin with a bit of food to eat if he felt up to it. "I'll be back soon," he promised, pecking him on the head. "See you soon."

He waited outside the front door of the building, tote bag on his shoulder as always. People were passing, but he was the only person standing here and waiting. So when a car pulled up and the window rolled down, the two men in the car immediately knew who he was. "You're Kendall, right?" a Hispanic man called out from the passenger seat. "Get in," he added when Kendall nodded. 

Kendall sat in the back seat, buckling his seatbelt and smiling in greeting at the both of them when they turned and grinned at him. "We're not axe murderers, promise," the driver joked. "Our place is just kind of far and out of the way, so we figured it'd be easier to just take you there."

"That's okay," Kendall replied. "Thanks."

As the stranger drove, Kendall sat back and focused his attention out the window. He let his mind wander about, so that instead of seeing the passing buildings and trees and streets, he saw summer. He would've loved to see James teaching kids water sports, with his shirt off. What a nice image. Maybe afterwards they could spend time at the lake together, just the two of them . . .

"Okay, we're here!"

_Fuck no. No more of that image._

Kendall looked up, and his jaw dropped. The driver was steering the car in towards the sidewalk to park it in a housing estate. The houses were all big, with large front gardens and pretty fences and perfectly shovelled paths. Mayfield. "You live _here_? B-but I could've walked here, you must've made a mistake . . ." Of course, the logic which normally would've told him that of course they hadn't made a mistake since they lived here, was nowhere in sight. All he could see was Number 16, which they were parking in front of right now. He felt sick.

The man behind the wheel stopped the car, turning around and grinning at Kendall, as did the other. "Nope. There's no mistake. This is definitely the place."

Kendall looked out the window again, sighing as he eyed the familiar front lawn of James' house. He may only have seen it once, but the memory was clear and fresh in his mind. His car was parked in the driveway, some shrivelled up leaves scattered on the ground and on the steps leading up to his shiny big black front door, along with clumps of snow. He slumped back in his seat, puffing his cheeks and sighing before leaning forward again and glancing at the houses leading further along the street. "So, do you live next door?"

"No, no," the man in the passenger seat shook his head quickly, chuckling. "God, if I lived in a place like this I wouldn't have bothered going to college. However, our best friend in the whole wide world and universe lives in that house right there." He pointed.

"And he's really, really sorry," the driver added, giving Kendall a concerned look. "And he wants to explain himself."

Kendall looked up at the house again. He gave a weak laugh, turning to the two men in the front seats with raised eyebrows. "Carlos and Logan," he stated, clamping his lips together for a second in a grim smile. "We meet at last."

"And you must be Kendall," the driver teased, holding out a hand. "Logan Mitchell at your service."

Kendall shook his hand reluctantly, staring hard at the both of them. "So you tricked me into coming here?" Kendall said, folding his arms. "Why?"

"Because," Carlos said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "You've got to take James back! He wants to say everything he's failed to tell you before. As cheesy as it sounds."

"And what if I don't want to listen?" Kendall snapped, yanking at the handle of the door and growling in frustration. "What if I say no? Let me out of this car!" He tugged and pulled on the handle, but the door wouldn't budge. He groaned. "Let me out!!"

"I can't do that," Logan replied firmly, suddenly reaching forward and grasping one of Kendall's writhing hands. "Because, Kendall, James is so crazy about you."

Kendall stopped, eyes widening. All at once his heart sped up, his cheeks grew warm and he had to resist the urge to smile like a lovestruck idiot. He managed to do so. "More like crazy in general," he scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Look, what happened between us, it didn't mean anything. It was a fling, a mistake. That's all it was."

"Do you really believe that?" Carlos pressed. "Look, we know how much you mean to James. We've seen it; he misses you like crazy, and he knows he's made a mistake. Why can't you at least give him a chance to explain?"

"Because of Shay," Kendall snapped. "Alright? Sure he might be 'crazy about me' or whatever, but it doesn't matter if Shay is around. Not only because one of us is always going to be the third wheel. It just keeps reminding me that I'm not what James wants. Shay is. Otherwise he wouldn't even be there . . ." Kendall trailed off, looking out the opposite window at the street. He bit his lip hard, telling himself firmly that if he cried now, he'd never forgive himself.

"Kendall, James called the ACC," Carlos said gently. "He told them that he doesn't want Shay anymore. They're open again today and they'll be getting back to him with a refund date, but the point is that he's only interested in you now. Even if you don't take him back, Shay's going to be gone and he'll be alone again."

"I . . " That should have been enough for him. But he still needed answers, and persisted with, "But we're so different."

Logan rolled his eyes. "So what? Carlos and I are like chalk and cheese. I'm a med student, he finger paints with noisy little kids all day, and acts like one too. He obsessively plays video games and I obsessively read science novels. And we've been together for two years." Carlos reached and took Logan's hand, grinning at him. Kendall had to resist the urge to smile endearingly at them; he tried to recall a time when he'd ever seen two people as in love as they were. "And anyway," Logan continued. "Opposites attract."

"Point taken . . ." He was blabbering on before he could stop himself. "But he can never make his own choices. He always does stupid things like talk about Shay when he's with me and even if he's getting rid of him, he's still got all those issues and it makes me so mad and—"

Carlos cut him off. "Kendall, now you're just looking for excuses." He quirked an eyebrow at him. "Come on, cut the guy some slack. He's been in love plenty of times before, and he's lost it every time. But it's never been like this."

"How do you know?"

"Because he didn't give up," Carlos replied simply. "It's real this time and not just him whining and pining over the rom com romances he hallucinated having."

Kendall had to chuckle at that.

"We get that he made you mad, a lot," Logan continued for Carlos. "But if you do love him, and trust me, I'm not stupid and can see that you do, you won't be able to stay mad at him for long. I can already see your resistance crumbling." Logan smirked. "Trust me, no matter how hard you try. And nobody on this entire planet has tried harder than we have."

Kendall was now just wondering where on earth James had found amazing friends like these. Wherever it was, he needed to take a trip there. Pronto.

"Look, Kendall, the bottom line is that you and James belong together," Carlos said at last, his tone making it clear that this conversation was almost over. "You love each other, and you'll regret it if you don't give him another chance. You know you will."

Kendall glanced back out the window again, up at the house where he'd danced around the kitchen with an idiot that really, he did love. And it was so stupid of him, but he couldn't help it. He stared hard at each of the windows in turn, unable to see anyone but still wondering if James was there, hiding and watching them and speculating how much progress had been made. Kendall wanted to give a thumbs up so he could see, if he was there. But he figured that would be stupid. These things were better said than kept quiet. If he'd made his boundaries clear much further back, then maybe he wouldn't be sitting here right now. Maybe he'd be alone, or maybe James would even be with him. But the point was, he hadn't said anything and the whole thing had just blown up in their faces. 

"You can unlock the door now," Kendall said softly, gripping the handle and wishing his fingers would stop shaking. "I'm going to go inside."

Logan and Carlos glanced at each other, before Logan looked at Kendall, nodded, and pressed a button on his own door. Kendall opened the door and got out, shutting it firmly behind him. "You can just walk right in," Carlos told him, leaning out of the passenger seat window. "He'll show up in about a millisecond once you cross that threshold."

"You'd better be nice to him," Logan added sternly.

"Don't worry, really." Kendall glanced back up at the house, heart fluttering a little in his chest. "I can handle it."

Taking a deep breath, Kendall took a shaky step onto the driveway. His feet tapped against the concrete, echoing in the otherwise silent suburban estate. There were no children around, no people out walking or jogging. It might have had something to do with the dark clouds gathering overhead, indicating it would probably rain soon. One hand tightly clutching onto his jacket sleeve just for something to hold onto, Kendall walked up the driveway and around James' car, taking his time going up the steps. As he reached out to grasp the door hand he had to stop, fingers hovering above it. What if it all went wrong again?

He glanced over his shoulder and saw Carlos and Logan sitting in the car, nodding at him and making shooing noises towards him. He returned their comforting smiles and turned back around. He grabbed the door handle and pushed it down, propelling the door forward and walking inside. He turned and caught one last glance of the world outside before he pushed it shut again, letting it click back into place. When he turned around. James was standing in the hallway and watching him. His hands were clasped behind his back as he swayed slightly on his feet. He looked more terrified than Kendall had ever seen him.

James felt more terrified than he'd ever been before.

There were plenty of times when James had been frightened. When his mother died. When his father left him. His first day of high school. When he turned eighteen and went to live alone in a big empty house. When he'd had his first relationship. When he'd lost his first relationship. When he'd bought Shay. When he'd met and later, lost Kendall. But somehow this topped them all. It was all he could do not to run and hide away again. This time he knew it was different. If he ran, he would blow his last chance. And this was one of the few times, in all his life, where he genuinely felt that if he blew this, he'd have nothing left.

"Carlos and Logan dropped me over," Kendall said at last, biting his lip. "I assume you asked them to?"

"Yeah, I did." James' eyes darted towards the coat rack, where he'd hung Kendall's scarf back up in place like a trophy or a photograph on a shelf. He hurried over and grabbed it, walking to Kendall and handing it to him. The sneaky part of him used this as an excuse to touch Kendall again, pushing it into his soft and white hands. "Here. I wanted to give this back to you. I figured you need it."

"I do . . . thanks." All he did was push it inside of his tote bag. James held out his hand for the bag. When Kendall slowly handed it to him, he hung it from the rack and left it there. Any barrier between them would only make this harder. "So," Kendall began again, trying to make the first move again. "I . . . I did want to talk to you the other day in town. I just didn't know how."

"So did I. But I did enjoy hearing you play."

"Thank you again, for giving me the guitar."

"It's nothing, really. I just . . ." Running a hand through his hair, James lamely added, "I wanted to make things easier for you."

"I know, and I appreciated it, really." Kendall cleared his throat. "I'm sorry I kicked you out of my apartment. I was just upset, about Merlin and about you. I really thought you were losing interest in me. Or more, that it was just for fun."

"I don't know what it was at first," James answered honestly. "I just loved spending time with you. I'm not sure when it changed." Then he suddenly remembered what Carlos had told him. "Actually, I kind of do."

"When did it?" Kendall asked.

"Remember, when we were in my kitchen and we were dancing? It was then. There was just this . . . this shock, I guess. It scared the shit out of me."

"It scared me too, when I realised how I felt." James' jaw dropped when he saw Kendall's eyes fill with tears. It seemed such an alien thing to him. "It just sucked, knowing that you had Shay here with you, a-and knowing I'm not your type. He's proof of that. I didn't want to get hurt again."

"I never wanted to hurt you," James pleaded, holding his hands. "Really. I know I kept saying stupid things and fucking up, and every time I realised it was too late to fix it."

"Look, Jay, I'm not going to come chasing after you if we're not right for each other . . ."

"You are right for me, Kendall." James tilted the blond's chin up, watching the way his bottom lip quivered slightly and his jaw clenched as he tried to hold up those walls again. But James could see right through them. As he gazed into Kendall's eyes and pleaded for him to understand, memories came flooding back to him. Their night on the roof, the first day they'd met, lying sprawled across his bed with their bodies tangling together. He had to make sure he didn't cry either. "You are so right for me. And I know you're not my type, and you're not perfect. You're reckless and frankly you can be pretty rude at times. But don't you see? I love you anyway. I love you for all of that."

Kendall's hand shot up towards his face to quickly dry away a tear that had escaped. "You mean that?" he said in a low voice, a tone of longing wonder. "You love me?"

"I do," James replied honestly, running his thumbs gently over the curves of Kendall"s cheekbones. "I'm so in love with you. You have no idea, honestly." He gave a weak laugh, shaking his head slightly as his mouth trembled. "It's crazy. I'm sorry I didn't tell you until now, I just didn't know how . . . And I guess I was scared of getting rejected again."

Kendall laughed too, almost a little hysterically as he brought both hands up to wipe at his cheeks. "I'm in love with you too. God, I hate crying. Don't look, please." He covered his face, shoulders and hands shaking. "I-I was scared of rejection too . . ." It came out muffled from behind his hands.

"Hey, it's okay." James wrapped his arms around Kendall, tugging him forward and pressing heir bodies together, feeling the blond's face and hands pressed against his chest. Immediately he felt comforted, and warmer. Resting his chin on Kendall's head, he murmured against the soft hat on his head. "You're beautiful when you cry."

"Did you seriously just say that?" Kendall demanded, glancing up at him and lowering his hands from his face. They weakly curled into fists, sandwiched between their bodies.

"I did. I probably shouldn't have, it was a bit stupid. But you're beautiful all the time, so why not now?" He offered a charming smile and a little wink, pecking the blond's nose before he had time to shove him off and scoff at the cheesiness of it, like he used to. Even if he probably realised that James knew how much he secretly adored it. "You look especially beautiful now. And you're in love with me." He laughed again, this time more of a bewildered chuckle than anything. "You're everything to me, Kendall. I don't want to lose you again."

Kendall's fingers gripped James' shirt by his collar. For a while, he had no idea how long, the blond just stared at James' shirt, like he was trying to find some kind of pattern, some change in it. Eventually he looked up again to meet James' eager gaze and said softly, a smile finally stretching shyly across his face, "You won't."

James wanted to say something else. Anything he could think of, anything he'd been hiding in his head and his heart for the past two months. It had felt like much more time than that had passed. Like he'd felt this way forever. He couldn't get any of these feelings out. So instead, his arms tightened around Kendall, and he kissed him. _Finally._

He felt Kendall's hands touching his face and running through his hair as they kissed passionately and hungry, closing every space between them. Their mouths and tongues crushed together as somewhere his hand found its way looped around Kendall's scrawny shoulders. Their first kiss had been something like this, he remembered. But this time the sparks between them were great big burning fireworks, and the intensity of how much he'd missed Kendall's lips and  body pressed to his amazed him and left him breathless, weak at the knees.

It happened in the space of a second. James felt something fly past his head, the wind chilling his ear. Then the smash of something made of glass hitting the wall behind him and Kendall. They jumped apart immediately. James glanced at the floor behind the blond to see a plate lying in pieces on the floor. He turned around, and saw Shay standing at the door to the kitchen. Of course, he should've realised immediately that it would be him. He doubted anyone (or anything) else had the strength to grow something that far. Hs whole stance was tensed with rage, his eyes flaring. "I told you," he said in a low voice, taking a step forward. Then another. "I told you to _stay away from him!!_ " His voice rose into a terrifying and mind-numbing scream, his teeth bared in an animal snarl. James' hand found its way to Kendall's and gripped it. Kendall held him back tightly, stepping ever so slightly back towards the front door. As James subtlety tried to follow he stepped a little in front of Kendall like a shield. This was the wrong thing to do.

"Oh look, you're touching each other again!" Shay roared, a kind of manic smile on his face now as he gave a loud satirical laugh. "How lovely!! Get your hands off of him you filthy _slut!!_ "

James turned Kendall around and sprung in the direction of the front door. But he could already see that it was too far away. He felt a hand harshly grab at the back of his shirt and yank him backwards, so hard he heard the material rip from his skin. He fell flat on his back, head smacking off the floor. Kendall landed sprawled on the floor next to him, grunting in pain. But his jaw was set in anger, even though James could tell by him that he was afraid. "Shay, just calm down," he tried to say soothingly, quickly getting to his feet and tugging Kendall up with him. "Come on, we can talk this out—"

"NO!" Shay slammed his fist against the wall in frustration, cracking the plaster. "No more talking!!" 

He took a step forward. But it was hurried; his anger was blinding him. James truly thought the ACC's research on human emotions and the accuracy of them placed in these dolls was truly extraordinary. And terrifying. 

Another step forward and Shay lunged. But then James suddenly realised that Kendall had grabbed his bag from the coat rack, and swung it with a long breath. The force of it hitting Shay in the chest knocked him flat onto his back on the floor. "Run!" James managed to gasp, grabbing Kendall's arm and sprinting away. He couldn't go back to the door, not with Shay in the way. He looked around, panicked for a place to hide. "In here!" he hissed, tugging Kendall into the music room and shutting the door, locking it. He could hear Shay screaming, looking for them and the sound of things smacking. He hurried grabbed a table and tugged it in front of the door. 

"Do you really think that'll hold him?" Kendall asked in a small voice. But even in this state, he still had strength radiating from him in great waves James could feel very clearly.

"No," James replied quietly, stepping back with him and holding his hand. "I don't."

"We have to call someone," Kendall said urgently, squeezing his hand. "Carlos or Logan, or 911, or something!"

"My phone's in the living room," James hissed, quieting down when he suddenly realised Shay would be listening out for them. "And even if I did call, what good could anyone do? Hmm, I guess the fire department could spray him with a hose, maybe he'll rust!"

"Are you asking to be slapped?" Kendall snapped. "It was just an idea."

"I know." James' gripped Kendall's hand tighter. "I'm scared."

"Me too."

"Maybe we can get him to see reason, he's just upset . . ."

"No, James. I don't think we can."

Then there was a loud slam on the door. James and Kendall quickly stepped back further on instinct, even though they were already far from the door. Kendall's hand wrapped around James' arm. James' other hand reached out and clasped over his, and they waited. A hole was smashed through the wood of the door. Then the door was broken open, Shay barging through and tossing the table out of his way like it weighed nothing. His eyes fell on their intertwined arms. They quickly broke apart. Kendall hurried over and grabbed a guitar from one of the stands as Shay charged towards him, leaving James unnoticed. 

But Kendall was ready for him, and swung the guitar around with all his might. For the second time his aim was perfect. It smacked against Shay's face, his head knocked to the side as he stumbled backwards and tripped over the drum kit. Kendall's chest heaved, glancing down at where the wood of the instrument had been chipped off. Then Shay turned to him again with a scream of anguish, and James froze in horror. The skin over the left side of Shay's face had been peeled away, like paint. Underneath his face shone silver. James could swear he saw a wire there, just under his lower eyelid.

He wasn't human. He never had been.

Why was this just hitting him?

Though really, it was just coming down hard to hit him. That moment of breathless impact when it really hit him, was when Shay lunged forward and his hands latched tightly around Kendall's neck, throttling him. Kendall struggled and flopped around and tried to kick him away. Shay was snarling, but smiling and laughing as his grip tightened. "I warned you, blondie—"

"Shay, STOP!!" James grabbed Shay around the waist and tried to yank him off. Surprisingly he was successful, and the two of them stumbled backwards away from Kendall, who fell onto the floor gasping for breath, fingers weakly rubbing at his neck. James tripped over a fallen instrument and lost his footing. Shay grabbed him by the collar and yanked him forwards, his feet dragging off the floor. Their heights were almost level now.

James grabbed at Shay's hands and tried to pull them off. Then he tried to push him away. He couldn't do either, and just stared fearfully into the robot's face. "I-I'm sorry . . ."

"No you're not!" Shay hissed, shaking him. "You're not sorry at all!! I love you, Jamie! I love you!!"

 _You don't._ James swallowed nervously. _You're programmed to. You could be told to love anybody else, and with the push of a button, you would._ But somehow he couldn't bring himself to say this to Shay. So he just stuttered out, "I know."

He could see Kendall sitting up a little, but before he could do anything else, Shay yanked James forward and kissed him. It only lasted a second; a brief clash of teeth and tongue. James tasted metal on his tongue before he was shoved backwards and onto the floor. Shay stood above him, reaching towards the table he'd knocked aside and breaking a leg off like it was just the width of his little finger. He stood above him, the leg of the table raised high. James could only watch him, a kind of cold numbness setting in.

_He's going to kill me. He's going to kill us both._

He closed his eyes. He was sure it would just be one large, painful strike on the head, and then he would die. Then there would be no pain. This gave him a little comfort. But he had a bad feeling in his gut that he might beat Kendall to death with it. He didn't want that to happen. But what could he do?

He opened his eyes wide when he heard a clatter. He wondered if Kendall had grown something in an attempt to direct Shay's attention back to him. But no. Shay had dropped the table leg, hands still poised above his head. His eyes were wide, mouth slightly open as he stood frozen, staring blankly into space.

"What . . .?"

Then Shay's eyes closed, and he fell limp on the ground. Nothing.

James sat up, eyes locking with Kendall's from across the room. He looked astounded. Then somewhere in the silence of the house, James' phone rang. "Y-you should get that," Kendall said at last, bracing a hand against the wall as he got to his feet shakily.

So he did, jogging down the hallway into the living room and picking up his cellphone. The number wasn't saved as a contact, but it did look somewhat familiar to him. He answered and pressed the phone to his ear, watching Kendall appear in the doorway and watch him. 

"Hello?"

 _"Is this James Diamond?"_ a female voice greeted.

"Yeah, it is . . ."

_"This is the ACC front office! Are you alright, sir? Any injuries? Any damage to your house?"_

"I-I'm fine, but one of my doors is a bit . . ." James paused. "How do you know?"

_"Oh, we have sensors in all of the Lovers, didn't you know? They go completely haywire and overheat if a Lover goes rogue. It happens sometimes, unfortunately. We got the alert and deactivated him before he could do any harm!"_

"Oh . . . well, thanks." James glanced over at Kendall, who raised his eyebrows and mouthed something James didn't get. 

_"We'll be sending someone over right away to take care of it, sir! We'll take a look at the damages too. Have a good day!"_ And she hung up, just like that.

James put the phone down and walked over to Kendall, knees quivering. "They deactivated him," he said.

Kendall nodded, reaching out and wrapping his hand around James' and holding it steady. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Kendall had red marks all over his neck. He still looked shaken. James should've been asking if he was okay. He tried to tell him that. But nothing came out but a strangled sob, his knees bucking beneath him as he clamped a hand over his mouth. Kendall held him as his legs gave way and he slumped onto the floor, the tears flowing down his cheeks as he choked and wept. Kendall sat against the doorframe and held James against his chest, pressing his lips to his forehead as he rocked him back and forth a little. "Shh," he murmured, running a hand through James' hair. "Shh, Jay." 

He was safe. They were safe. He felt slightly empty inside, but then he felt Kendall's hand playing with his, and he felt a little more complete again.

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

"Stay here."

James was only too willing to follow Kendall's instructions. An ACC employee had arrived to take Shay away, and Kendall told James that he didn't want him to have to see the robot being wrapped up and carried out. So he stayed in the living room and stared blankly at where his phone sat on the coffee table. It stuck out like a beacon.

He could hear the distant murmur of Kendall talking to the ACC man. Then he heard their footsteps, and wondered in a brief moment of terror if they were going to bring Shay in to him. But when they walked in, all the employee carried was a clipboard. "I'll need you to sign this," he said to James, handing him the clipboard and a pen. James scribbled down his name on the form, underneath where he saw a little list of spaces to fill in, all filled in already by either Kendall or the employee. "I took a look at the damages," the man added. "Not much, thankfully. Your door would be the biggest problem. We're more than happy to help chip in, it’s due to a fault in our product after all—"

"No," James replied wearily, handing him back the form and the pen. "Don't worry about it. I can pay for it myself."

"If you're sure, sir."

"I'm sure."

As soon as he left, James went into the kitchen and yanked Shay's manual from the drawer. He tossed it into the trash can and slammed it shut without pausing to look at it. "I can't believe it's over," he said to Kendall a little numbly, who stood at the kitchen door and watched him with piercing bottle green eyes. "That he's gone. I mean . . . it's going to feel weird, I guess. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I get it." Kendall walked over and wrapped his arms around James' waist, resting his head on his chest for a moment. Then he looked up and quirked an eyebrow, giving a teasing smile before saying, "You're beautiful when you cry."

James burst into a slightly mad laughter and hugged Kendall close.

They went to bed in the spare room that night; there was just something foreboding about the room which James and Shay had slept in for so long. As he examined the marks over Kendall's neck more carefully, the blond admitted to him that this wasn't the first time this had happened. Only once before, but it had still happened. Instead of making him feel worse, it comforted him in an odd way. It helped him to see that this really was the way things should be. Sure, you can buy love.  That much had been made obvious to him. But it could, as he'd learned, go wrong very easily.

_And anyway,_ he thought in a moment of bliss as Kendall curled up against him under the sheets. _This is so much better._

In the morning, James decided that he would look into calling a repairman to take a look at his door, and get him a new one. He also needed to go shopping for a new table. "You could come with me," James offered to Kendall as they sat in the living room, his head rested on Kendall's lap.

Kendall played with the strands of his hair and lightly tapped his fingernail on the lens of James' glasses, laughing when he winced slightly and scrunched up his nose. "I should go home," Kendall replied softly. "I've gotta feed Merlin and go busking, so . . ." He playfully ran his index finger down James' cheek and tapped his bottom lip, making him chuckle before he sat up straight and kissed him. "But you can come over later if you want to," Kendall added breathlessly when James pulled back and pecked him on the nose, his cheeks flushing rosy pink.

"I think I'll do that," James replied with a grin.

That night, Kendall got Chinese food for them to eat, and James joked that this was the kind of Christmas he'd wanted. They even went and bought some Christmas cupcakes that were still on the shelf in the grocery store on the corner. James fished a piece of chicken from his dinner and offered it to Merlin, who gobbled it up with some savage sounding grunts. But then the cat curled up and started purring, rubbing his head against the back of James' hand the way he always did with Kendall. "I can see you you two are alike," James teased Kendall, pointing his fork at him. "All I had to do was feed you a few times and you were mine."

"That's not _entirely_ true," Kendall argued, nudging him with his foot. "I was already a little smitten, if I'm honest . . . but if you make me mad, I will sink my claws in. Trust me on that one."

James rolled his eyes and went back to his food. Afterwards, Kendall threw the packaging away, before they sat on either end of his couch and just talked. James found himself with a greater freedom of speech than before, and had so much more to say. He described to him in detail how he'd felt when his father left. What had actually happened that day, when he'd taken the bus home from school only to find the house empty. He may not have found out the truth at all if he hadn't managed to find where he'd left his note. It had been on the bookshelf where all his mother's books still were. He really had loved her.

He told Kendall about how he'd always hated going into school because too many girls liked him and too many guys didn't. Kendall told him about how Beau would often talk him into skipping class to go make out with him on the back stairwell. Sometimes he'd done it, and sometimes he'd valued learning too much. They talked about losing their virginities, and how James' first time was majorly awkward, but the second time about thirty minutes later was fantastic. Kendall had lost his a night Beau took him to a party, and got too drunk to remember it the next day. Which had freaked him out at first. But like James, his second time had been pretty great.

Kendall told James about when he and Beau first broke up, about how lonely he'd been. He told him about how when he lived on the street, he'd had to deal with junkies in his sleeping spaces and fights outside of homeless shelters. He'd been tempted to join in both of these, but thankfully he never had. He'd made a friend at one point named Amy, who was about thirty years of age. She told him he reminded her of her nephew, whom she'd been the sole guardian of until he'd died in an accident at sixteen. She'd lost everything since then, too depressed to really notice. She said Kendall had made her feel happy again. "What happened to her?" James asked when Kendall stopped talking.

Kendall shrugged, sighing and scratching one of his nails with another just to have something to do with his body. "One day we got separated and I just never found her again. Maybe she died, or maybe she got help. I have no idea."

"Maybe some day you'll see her again. This place isn't too big."

"Maybe. But honestly, I think either option is good for her. She was really miserable."

"Were you miserable?"

"A little. But not now."

Eventually, they got tired of talking and just lay in bed together. At some point after dark, instead of sleeping they made love, moving slowly but passionately with heavy breath. Kendall's body shone white against the dark blankets, and against the tan skin of James'. But they fit well together, and James pointed it out when they fell back, drained but blisfully happy. Kendall gave a soft laugh and just winked at him, before happily snuggling down, his head barely touching off James' shoulder. James always found it entertaining; these times when Kendall tried to be cool about the whole thing. Sometimes James broke his walls down enough to prevent this. But other times, like this one, he enjoyed waking up in the morning and seeing Kendall's red cheeks upon the blond discovering he'd cuddled up to him during the night.

When February came around, Kendall moved into the cold empty house with him. And it became much warmer.

He packed up everything he wanted to take with him, and didn't even fill two boxes. Then with Merlin on his shoulder and his bag in hand, he sat in James' car and they drove over. James had already cleared space for him in the drawers and his closet, and he unpacked his stuff. Merlin ran off to explore this vast new posh suburban territory he was to occupy, and wasn't seen again until the next morning, in which he leaped up onto the windowsill and started scratching at the glass, giving James a heart attack. He'd been attracted to the smell of the breakfast they were making, which now lay splattered on the floor. "Is he like that very morning?" James demanded when Kendall let Merlin in and placed him on the floor to enjoy this new feast. "Because I'm not looking forward to heart problems when I get older . . ."

Kendall just rolled his eyes and told James to shut up. Then he kissed him and ruffled his hair. "Idiot," he said fondly.

Every morning, James placed the newspaper and various flyers down in front of Kendall, so he could look for a new job. By the time March arrived he'd been working at it a couple of weeks. He was a waiter again, but he was much happier than he'd been before. And he got to play music on Saturday evenings. James went to watch him every time, Carlos and Logan often accompanying him. Then they'd go get a drink afterwards and make fun of Kendall for being under the legal age. The first few times they'd done this, James looked away for a second or two only to look back and find his glass empty, with Kendall licking his lips beside him and smirking. From then on, he bought alcohol for Kendall when they went out.

"I feel sorry we ever got you that gift card," Logan said to James one night in his kitchen, smiling a little grimly. "Looking at all the trouble it caused. But we just wanted you to be happy."

"I am happy," James replied warmly. "Anyway, if you hadn't, I probably wouldn't be happy now. I'd be alone. I wouldn't have Kendall."

Logan glanced over at where Kendall and Carlos stood at the stove in the kitchen. Carlos was looking through one of James' many cook books he'd never opened and showing him how to work the complicated utensils of this fancier kitchen. "I'm glad you found him," he said at last, grinning at James.

"Me too. Obviously, I mean—"

"I know, James." Logan rolled his eyes. "Let's hope he doesn't pull a Dak Zevon. Only instead of New York for modelling, it’ll be off to LA to join a boyband."

James chuckled, head turning to look at them again after Kendall let out a triumphant laugh and gave Carlos a fleeting hug. "Well, we'll see, somehow I doubt that's going to happen . . ."

"Because he loves you?"

"Well, that. And he'd kick all their asses when they tried to style his hair for him."

"I don't think they'd even make it that far."

James and Kendall decided they would both try and learn to cook properly. It started off with basic things, which both of them could do well enough. Kendall had a particular knack for making mashed potatoes. James joked that they could just eat that for the rest of their lives, what could go wrong? Kendall gave him a light whack over the head and told him to concentrate harder on the vegetables he was frying, because "if they burn I will make you eat them!!"

Kendall called James Jay in moments of lust, or just pure moments of love. He called him an idiot whenever he felt especially happy and at ease with him. James could always tell. He didn't really have any pet name as such for Kendall; he liked his name, and he called him by it. But he did call him basket case a lot, in those same breezy moments when the two could just say anything they wanted with nothing to worry about.

Occasionally, they hosted these big events where James invited his friends and Kendall invited his, and they all sat out in the backyard having dinner together. Kendall's friends were strange, and James knew that immediately. They all hid under these same masks; he'd grown so accustomed to Kendall's that he could recognise another in an instant. He wondered what their stories were. He didn't know if Kendall knew them, but at times when the blond would just reach out and squeeze the back of Lucy's hand or pat Jett's shoulder, he suspected that he probably did, and he understood. They weren't like James and his friends, who were perfectly comfortable with making their distress known.

Kendall told him, when they left, that they meant the world to him. And so did James, obviously, he added.

* * *

James woke up in April to the painful and sharp sensation of five claws sinking into his thigh. He opened his eyes and gave a yelp, seeing Merlin sitting on the bed with his two forepaws on his leg. He glared at him, like always, and James glared back. It was a tense sort of acquaintance between them, but they managed. Merlin let out a low and scratchy meow, claws stretching out again. James quickly shook Kendall awake. "Kendall!"

Kendall groaned, rolling over and lifting his arms lazily to rub the heels of his hands against his eyes, sitting up and opening them. He blinked a few times, attempting to smooth down his hair as he turned to James and mumbled sleepily, "What?"

James pointed to Merlin, who was cheerily hopping up the bed to rub his head against Kendall's chest, purring and meowing in a distinctly more affectionate tone. Kendall petted him with heavy and slow movements, opening his eyes a little wider and giving James an exasperated smile. "You couldn't feed him yourself?"

"Hey, you were sleeping on me," James retorted, chuckling at Kendall's embarrassed face before kissing him. He glanced at the clock. "We might as well both go downstairs; it's almost 10am. It's my turn to make breakfast, so . . ."

"Great!" Kendall chirped, much more awake and cheerful now. He hopped out of bed, and James couldn't help grinning and giving a little wolf whistle. Kendall's cheeks flushed and he quickly covered them with his hands. "Oh, shut up." He was wearing his underwear and one of James' t-shirts. It hung down to his thighs and was too wide on him too, one side sagging a little so the skin of part of his shoulder was exposed. James got out of bed too and quickly hopped out the way as Merlin hopped down next to him.

"I can't help noticing how cute you look in my clothes, you little basket case you," James cooed, pinching his pink cheek and ducking as the blond aimed to smack him on the head, laughing. The two went downstairs, James standing at the counter in the kitchen and watching as Kendall fed Merlin and washed his hands afterwards.

"So, what do you want?" James asked as Kendall came back over to him and looped an arm around him. Cereal, right?"

Kendall rolled his eyes. "As if I'd left you off that easily. It's the weekend, we don't have to leave the house for another couple of hours." Kendall sat up on the counter, swinging his bare legs back and forth slightly as he did. "If you make scrambled eggs, tomorrow I'll make you a frittata? I found a recipe online that looks good and I wanna give it a try."

"Works for me," James replied, pecking Kendall on the lips before grabbing the breakfast ingredients necessary and taking out a small saucepan. "And you can make some tea. Not any of that organic crap that you drink, _real_ tea."

"I do drink real tea!" Kendall protested in outrage, aiming a kick at James' thigh. He squirmed and giggled when James reached out and prodded his side his his fingers. James cracked a couple of eggs and glanced up at Kendall from the corner of his eye. He was sitting and watching him with his hands folded on his lap. James leaned in towards him and gave him another kiss. "What was that for?" Kendall asked softly when he pulled back, a smitten smile on his face. With summer approaching, the freckles on his nose had become slightly less prominent as his skin tanned just a little.

"Do I need a reason?"

"No, I guess not. I love you."

"I love you too."  

Here he was, glancing at where Kendall sat by him wearing his shirt, as he made breakfast for the blond. But there was something different about it; something warmer. Something real. Maybe it was just the sheer simplicity of it. Or maybe it was because of how the night before, when James admitted he'd practically memorised every crevice in Kendall's hands, he rolled his eyes and told him he was an idiot. And James didn't care at all. Then Kendall admitted that he could tell if the colour of James' eyes ever changed even just a little, depending on the light or on his mood. He looked mortified to admit it, but happy too.

He wasn't perfect. Neither of them were. But they loved each other just the same. And they were happy, just the same.

 

  
**_—_ ** **_End_ ** **_—_ **   


 

_I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end._

_But on a Wednesday, in a café, I watched it begin again._

 


End file.
